Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

That I'm not perfect? Yes I am completely flawed. I took care of everything in our lives and I was resentful for it, among other things. But no I'm not going to accept that anything I did made him have three on going affairs. He's responsible for the destruction of his morals. If I was so bad he should have divorced me and left with a clear conscience, instead of the guilt he is carrying now.

My W too. We had a friend leave her husband two years ago because, according to the friend, he spent too much money and wouldn't get a job. W was extremely hard on her and vocal about what it would do to the children. W is now using the friend for support and justification. Blows my mind.

kml, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I've looked up that book on Amazon and it has some really great reviews. I'm wondering if it would be applicable as part of the pursuer/distancer concept too. My H has been the distancer. The issues that are happening now, I can see that they started growing over the last few years, but not over the whole marriage. I wasn't completely blind to them at the time, but would attribute them to other things, like his job or that he hasn't visited his family in a long time. I would then take steps to solve these problems. But I too was growing frustrated with all I was doing, all I was doing for him and nothing was coming back. I can understand now that this could have made him feel useless and like a failure. I was resentful and annoyed by him being overly affectionate, because I felt like it was always about him and his needs and never about me, even when I told him things I liked/didn't like. I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. That then would make him more avoidant, I'm sure. He wouldn't take initiative because he said I could do it better. This was really annoying to me. I felt like he was pushing me into the role of being his mom and I didn't want to. Even wanting me to decide what he should order at a restaurant.

I have felt this dynamic growing as I've become more confident and successful. I have this personality that pushes things to the max. I will tell people I can do things, and then figure out how to do them.

Last June when I asked H what was wrong and he said he was depressed, he said that he can't live up the expectations I have for myself, and he feels like I hold him to that same level of expectations. I was just tired of feeling like all responsibility and decisions were on me. I didn't feel like I had any high expectations of him. I just wanted him to be more involved with the kids, to take the initiative with me sometimes for date nights or whatever, be involved with what was going on with the finances. I know he did do things and I was not as encouraging or appreciative as I should have been.

Well, some of that sounds like typical depression and ordinary marriage-with-kids adjustments.

But sometimes, too, when they tell us they're not good enough for us - they're right!

Have you ever suspected that maybe he could have been leading a double life before all this recent stuff? (I do look back at my ex now and wonder if maybe he was unfaithful to me earlier in our marriage when I never suspected - no solid suspicions, but a few oddball things that would make sense now in that context).

Or - it is possible that he just felt trapped, and once he figured out changing his job didn't relieve that feeling, he decided to change his marital status.

I'll be interested to see what you think once you read the book.

Yes. I've had a lot of those kind of possibilities swirling around in my head. I wonder if a PA with OW #2 could have happened a few years ago. But the things that are strange to me is all the other 180s in life. I get if there were issues with me that I just didn't realize, that he didn't communicate, but then why not get a divorce? Why hasn't he seen a lawyer by now if he felt that way 9 months ago? Why has he dropped his kids, friends and everything else too? Nothing fully adds up. I don't think he has ever felt good enough for anything, because he has said that his parents never acknowledged any of his successes. His Dad is jealous of him and has told him he is where he is because of luck.

At BD I thought everything was to do with depression. He would go back and forth between he was depressed to this is who he has always been.

Catching up on some journaling...

I had been freaking out because H had been making plans to go out of town around due date, as OW#3 would be going at the same time. He hadn't told me yet and I wasn't sure how I was going to react when he did. He was over last weekend and while he was here, his mom called to see how I was doing. I told her everyone is great. We talked for awhile and then I passed the phone to H so I could put S2 down for a nap. As I was coming back, I heard him tell her he would be going out of town around such and such time. After he got off the phone I said to him, "What do you mean you'll be leaving then?" He told me what it was for and I said "I need you then. I need you to be here until the end of the school year. You can go after that. I need your help with the kids." I was trying not to be emotional or confrontational, but I couldn't hold those build up emotions in. He said that he would change it until after then. That's all it took. Here I had it all planned in my head he would fight me on it. I apologized for having such a strong reaction. He came over and hugged me and told me he just needs me to tell him what I need. I told him I just did. This is the first time he has hugged me in two months, and I haven't initiated either. I felt relief that was all it took. I've been holding so much in. I was surprised by how much that took out of me. I kept it cool when I had to call him because my brother and his daughter caught him with OW#1 and talked to him like a friend, but this one got the best of me. Maybe because it hit too close to the baby and kids.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Raine. Having emotions is not a bad thing. In your situation, it is very understandable. Your H made a mess of things. His choices is absolutely the right way to look at it. And don't be afraid to ask for what you need. You'll need quite a bit with the kids and a new one on the way.

Be well.

AJ

Thanks AJ

I put my foot it in again today with him. He called up because he thought it was S's birthday and wanted to take him out. He's a few days off. He then said he is the most terrible father in the world that he doesn't even know his S's bday. I said "yup." Whoops. I immediately backtracked and said "Sorry, I was just teasing you. It's not a big deal. I know why you thought that, and it's an easy mistake." I so easily slip into the banter we had with each other before, especially when he sets it up. He's not the same. I know that really hurt him. Truth hurts and I should not have taken the bait. And now he's back to OW#1 tonight. Been two weeks since last he was at her place.

Oh, Raine, I'm so sorry. It's so hard to be perfect all the time and not make the slightest slip! I've said so many inappropriate things along the way to H, but I didn't have to know what he was doing or with who.

Your H is hurting so badly inside. He is so frightened too.

I think you are doing remarkably well. I was picturing him hugging you with baby between. I remember hugging my H at work as we were seeing each other at a shift change when I was very pregnant with S13. I said "you're already letting the baby come between us!"

Thanks so much for your comments on my thread. You have well thought out posts yet are able to feel emotions intensely. You are a pillar of strength right now for everyone in your life. Keep up the good work

Hugs for you today,
rH

Hey Raine. Nobody is "perfect" whatever perfect is. You didn't want to hurt him and that shows regardless of what you said or didn't say. You aren't choosing for him, nor can you make him go to OW's house. His choices how he handles things.

But since you don't want to hurt him, just try to do better next time at not taking the bait, right? It's better for you if you don't take the bait as well. Just note that being "perfect" is unobtainable. Instead, be you and let him figure himself out.

Peace,

AJ