Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Another dollar in my one-man show

"Brace, tomorrow or Saturday I will post something that many will thank me for."

Humility would serve you well. I'm assuming that your "internal work" doesn't include being humble.

BTW, you don't need to validate or get approval for any of your actions from the posters here. You just need to get a positive response from your W. It's all that matters.

I'm hoping that these issues we ALL see with his lack of humility is simply a language barrier.

If not, wow.

Bruce, I will not thank you for anything since there's really nothing you should be doing for be. You should be making changes to yourself to become a better person, husband and father. For that, I will congratulate you if you've had an epiphany...

Hi guys,
Sorry about the "thank me" comment, I was more thinking on the lines of the progress I've made could be useful for you or give you a food for thought, that's all, in all humility.
Tomorrow though as today's getting a little late.
Cheers for now.

BB

if you have had a genuine breakthrough of emotional or spiritual insight, please make a PLAN FOR IMPLEMENTATION so it won't be words that fizzle out into giving up again when it requires work.

you're an engineer right? I think of the guys who draft designs, the "PLanners" who then give it to the guys who take the design or draft,

and figure out how to make that into a reality. I call them the "Implementers".

Like all of us, you will have to design/draft the goals AND come up with ways to implement them...

WE all drafted our plans and then implemented them...but there are tools for that if we need them AND WE DO.

And safeguards or safety "equipment" we use to help with it...like DB boards, a DB coach (did you ever try them? They're not that pricey if you are paying out of pocket for T now & compare)

and support in planning or implementing, which we all need in some form...

BUT IF your "new" insight is another extreme form of any plan

THEN STOP & RETHINK it.

Don't come in with the 1) I will leave my w and son for another continent b/c I don't want to work on this or pay more than I feel like, and boy will they be sorry;

or

2) I will give her everything I own and start over somewhere, nursing my self inflicted wounds, blaming others, AND proving that when it comes to sustained work on improving myself, I'm just NOT up for it.

BB, don't choose either of these ^^ options please.

THey are the only ones you seem to swing to and from....neither is right morally or smart emotionally.

So let's see some thoughtful reflective honest & real movement in you.

If I do,

I'll be CLAP CLAP CLAPPING over here.

Hi guys,
25 yearsmic is right, first the theory, then the application.
1) It starts with heart. What do I really want? To win? To save the appearances? To prove I was a good guy? It takes honesty to not look at the problem source only outside of oneself but rather primarily inside. (That doesn't mean W is perfect either).

2) The problem comes from perception. I explain. The pure facts are that I did lots of extra sports and activities. No positive or negative judgement on that. My point of view says, translates, interprets that as a natural thing at best, a neutral thing at worse. My W point of view is that in such a critical time as the birth of our child, and given her state of tiredness, it simply meant I didn't't care for them. Our stories are different. Our "movies" lead to different feelings and emotions. I feel i'm being a good husband because I work and leave the W take care of the household. She feels neglected, unloved, mocked, taken for granted.

3) The sentiments lead to action, you know the action she took. Now, to cope with the shock, I make up three stories that I end up believing. First one, I'm the good guy, i'm the innocent, the victim. Of course I am, I only worked, cared for my family and played sports with my friends. And therefore, all of this is impossible to understand and deeply unfair.
Second story, she's the villain. Now, her separation is the ultimate proof, if needed that she is evil. And it explains a lot of things, so it's very convenient indeed if she's the deranged one. And finally, i'm helpless, there's nothing I can do about it, and all my subsequent actions are not owned by me because it all happened despite me.

4) because i'm so convinced I have little to reproach myself, instead of asking W for her point of view, opinion and where she comes from, the only thing I do upon arrival in Canada is try to strike down every argument she makes with pure logical maths. It isn't before long before she is trying to strike mine down. Now instead of dialogue, we have a jerk off the husband on one side and the crazy wife on the other side.

5) it's not about the real subject anymore, there's a toddler in the middle and W is all about keeping him far from me, and hitting me in the mouth by asking as much money as she can. I'm outraged of course and it's not about understanding her and being honest with her feedback, it's about demonstrating how tough it's going to be to separate from me and how much she'll regret it.

If my first part of the analysis is correct, I think I know what to need to do to amend my path. Sharing with you on my next post.

I'm not exactly sure about the "breakthrough" that you insist that you came to. Your post above shows exactly how self-centered and self-righteous you've become. It's why your W doesn't want to talk to you. Period.

Metaphorical 2x4's thru this forum have NO chance of getting thru where a REAL 2x4 would be turned to splinters.

MrBond is right in his above post.

And after reading the tripe you've posted, Bruce, I think it's safe to say your W was well founded in her decision to leave you. And her request that you stay put where you were at.

You've not learned anything. In every post where you try to explain your actions and feelings, you still blame your W and her faults. You fail to see the most basic fact required in DB: it's about CHANGING YOURSELF. Everything you've done, you admit to doing with reluctance, and even fault the judgement of your counselor and the court system. You've taken no real responsibility for the situation you're in.

Maybe your best course of action would be to go to Africa after all. At least then your son would have a chance to grow up without someone who's egocentric, misogynistic, self centered, self righteous and controlling. Whether it's cultural or by choice, you are every one of those - and more.

And with that, I give up... You will not have to worry about me commenting on your thread any longer...

Thank you for your input, but let me finish my analysis before drawing conclusions too fast.
So, I realised I needed to counter this spiral.

1) Why would a normal, reasonable person want to D or separate if the spouse was blameless? Rather than viewing me without fault, I should strive to understand what lead W to assume the worse of me. Recognising my fault is the first step.

2) No matter what the facts are, what matters is perception. Because it will create the interpretation, the emotions and the action.

3) As convenient as my three stories are, they are biased at best. Looking honestly at them, they are only pretexts. I am not a poor victim. W is not a evil genius, and i'm not helpless.

4) In order for us to resume dialogue, not only must I stop trying to systematically shoot down her arguments, but I must welcome her feedback with gratefulness even when it doesn't please my ears.

5) We've let the situation degenerate, and we're now focused on secondary stuff such as keeping a straight face, showing we were the right one, hurting the other, etc.. and in order to go back to the essential, words won't be enough.

That's where it becomes tricky. Now that I've had a change of heart, for W to see it, it'all have to be through patience, showing interest in my S, responding gently, apologising, not using statement sentences but asking for her opinion, being thankful when she shares her point of view.


Maybe, and I understand it's maybe, some "camaraderie" will build with W and dialogue will resume.
If it doesn't, the years with my son won't be lost, he passed from being one of the many things I had to take care of and manage into being the centrer of my attention and care.

Please feel free now to comment. I'm all ears, as I'm learning to welcome feedback and consider it as a precious gift for change in me.
Have a great Sunday.

I also don't see any change. You're still analyzing things like it's Day 1. The mantra still goes...change you, change your situation.