Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

Howdy from the worst DBer ever.

W and I are, regrettably, heading to mediation next week. After less than two months into our 'trial' separation she told me on Valentines Day she was ready to file and would soon. She was just waiting until I got settled in my place, she never really was considering whether to work on us or not (her words). She told me this again over the weekend as I said in an earlier post.

It's very apparent to me that she hasn't even thought of any of the consequences with this. I'm already sending her about 50% more a month than I'm required by law for both child and spousal support, and that will stop when the D is finalized. W will never be able to afford our current house payment, the utilities along will eat her alive. A part of me feels like a heel, but I have been abused and disrespected enough. She so desperately wants out of our marriage, in her mind it's the final thread connecting her to our past besides the kids, she has severed all other ties with family and friends. I just don't know how she is going to make it, I really don't.

I, however, plan to make the most of for me and the kids. I want/need a new car, my current one is 15 yrs old and shows it! I'm going to start shopping for on by the end of the month. I want to by a house for me and the kids by the end of the year. My apartments great and I'm getting a really great deal on it, but I want a home. I'm thinking about saving for a European vacation summer 2014, Italy probably for this first trip.

My friend and I were having lunch today. I told him about mediation and my concerns for W. I also mentioned how I was still quite lonely at times. He said, I told you we could hang out at any time, come over for dinner, whatever. I said that was not exactly what I was talking about. I miss the companionship, not having someone to come home to and talk about the day, holding hands, snuggling up on the coach, other things It's been 5 months.

I told him from what I understand the most common complaint from single ladies in their late 30's to early 40's is that all the good guys are taken. He was worried about a rebound relationship. I said I don't think I'll be ready for anything like that for a while. I'm a family man frequent casual dating with other people doesn't really appeal to me. Then he gave me some good advice. He said, if you don't wait for that W shaped hole in your heart to close up and heal, you will be constantly trying to fill it with the wrong 'shaped' people. You and that person will never be happy because you will be constantly trying to fit her into that hole and after 25 years together, it's going to take time for it to heal. Did I mention how smart this guy is.I really like that metaphor. Maybe for the last 23 years she has been trying to fill the hole in her heart from her mom's death with me. I with her the best, I really do. I Anyway, I'll post again when something interesting happens. Love to you all.
J.

Hi J -

Bud, you are not the worst DBer ever. I'm not sure there is even such a thing.

Your W's choice to go through with this has nothing to do with you. Strange, but true.

I'm sure she hasn't thought about any consequences. I sometimes think MLCers can't look ahead to lunch time, let alone the future. The fog is just too thick.

During our last big talk, my H told me he "didn't think he had it in him" to work on rebuilding our M. He's trying to "work through issues" and "fight demons". It's taken him a long time to be able to express these thoughts, and they have been helpful to me in understanding where he's coming from.

I don't think your W doesn't want your M because she doesn't love you, it's more like she doesn't love herself. And if you don't love yourself, how can you truly, deeply love another?

Your friend sounds like a very wise man

I understand about the loneliness, it is very hard to deal with at times. Luckily, the kids keep me pretty busy so that I don't have much time to think about it. But in those quiet moments when I do, it's sad.

5 months? Try 14 and counting! Talk about a dry spell!!!

Try not to be hard on yourself, and even her. Anything can happen in the future. Keep those expectations down, and hope up. I know you can do it

J, you have a very wise friend. I gave similar advice to a friend of mine a few years ago. Fast forward to now. His fiance and he are calling it quits and she's moving out. I asked him about it and one of the things he said was that he got involved with her too early in the relationship. I told her that early on as well. I don't like being right in this instance, but it's an example of how your friend is most likely right.

Your W is going through some tough transitions in her life. She may be there a very very long time. I think you're spot on with your plans. A new car, a house, a vacation. One thing you really need to get past is the idea that it's your responsibility to help her out. Keeping the money flowing for now is likely going to help with the legal disentanglement. But be careful that you don't do that too long and be careful that you take care of you. She is telling you loud and clear, not to take care of her. Her plans are not something you can really see. You see bits and pieces of it. But they are her plans and she needs to see them through. She can't stop and it would be unwise to get her to.

You can't reason with her. You can point out reality to her all day long and it would be like talking to a red rubber ball at this point. You know that though, from your counseling sessions.

She is like a drowning person, J. You want to help her, but if you do, you'll likely drown with her. She has to do it. She can do it. She will be better for it when it's all said and done. You'll get hurt along the way if you stay too close though.

I can tell you from my experience you don't see all of what's going on. I'm a lot like you in your thinking. It pained me to no end to watch that train-wreck. It was painful to have her trying actively to hurt me. She still tries, but it no longer hurts and barely gets a reaction from me. Your friend was right, it takes a lot of time. What he may have also mentioned is that it will take her a lot of time too. Her actions will be "odd" for quite some time most likely. Keep that in mind and try to keep the compassion and the distance. Both will keep you sane and human, but the best way to help her now is to let her do things on her own.

Peace,

AJ

TVS, AJ...powerful words and greatly appreciated. I will come back and read this thread often. Thank you.

Hi J,

If you think you aren't a good DB'er, just re-read you initial posts, then your latest posts, and notice the strong, new YOU that has evolved....and that is the first goal of DB, imo, an evolved you. I am so happy to see the change in tone of your writing, so much stronger, on your feet, secure.

You have to do what you need to for you and the kids, if my W pushed for D the way yours has and such, I would probably be doing as you are. The good thing is that you made time, did the work, to get past the initial hurt and anguish, so now you are in a strong, clam, logical, non-vindictive state of mind to do the best for everyone. This will pay off down the road, and trust me, your kids have been, are, and will continue to watch what you do...but you know that already...

You're awesome, a great Dad, a good man.


T^2

What the h@ll is going on…
Anyone who has somehow read through my threads up to this point (had a pants-load of free time if you did) may recall I said I was going to hold off posting until something happened. I’m not really sure what it is, but something has changed. But before I talk about that, to my shame, I must relate this.

W and I went to our first mediation for D a few weeks ago. It was ugly and all my fault. I used it as an opportunity to attack her. I wanted to teach W a lesson about demanding something and not giving two thoughts to the consequences or lifting a finger to make it happen. I wanted to make it clear she might get the house, but she couldn’t really afford it, among other things. I wanted to punish her for the previous two weeks of absolute silence and 5.5 months of indifference and pain.

What I did was teach me instead. I learned that I did not have my children’s best interest in mind first and for most going into the mediation. I learned that I can be the bully and control freak she has accuses me to being. I learned that you cannot and should not try to teach an adult a lesson. It’s not my place, it’s disrespectful, it was horrible to sit there and ‘watch’ myself doing it but unable to stop. I got some sense of what W might be going through.

As W cried and began to say how she knew I would do this, how she should have gotten a lawyer like everyone had suggested, how all she wanted was to keep the kids in the house and a little help getting financially stable (I believe this and have absolutely no reason to think otherwise); my soul just crumbled. A pit of anger, despair, and self-pity had opened in my chest and I felt almost exactly like the weeks following BD all over again, maybe worse.

The next 5 days are a blur, the worst I’ve had so far. I felt endless self-loathing and pity, I drugged myself into a stupor for a few days, I contemplated sleeping forever to end the pain, I broke down in front of and badly scared the children, I started fantasizing about running away and disappearing. It’s been a full week since the worst of it, but I can’t let this happen again. I had to get control of myself and I slowly started to think. I mean really, REALLY think about why I did what I did at the mediation and about how much I felt like I needed her and how unhealthy it was for both of us. I’m still working on this, but I started to think maybe she is right. We are bad for each other on some fundamental level, or have become so. I’m not saying it’s always been that way or was nearly as bad as she has felt it was last year or feels at the moment, but I have to think it is a factor in all this and something I need to change no matter what happens with W or it will be back.

I called W and apologized, told her I am not very proud of myself and will be respectful during our next mediation in a week. That I had a lot to think about.
Cont…

So the previous was a week ago. Our next mediation is scheduled for this coming week. I’ve been very down, but trying to feel through this. Trying to accept what is happening on a level I haven’t until now. Trying to really think about my role in the M and not just write off W as an MLC loon. She has legitimate complaints and I have used the MLC label to dismiss some of them, while not really doing anything about the ones I acknowledge as legit. She is in crisis, of that I have little doubt, but so am I. And my crisis is self-induced in a way hers is not. She has real childhood trauma, real self-esteem and self-identity issues, and a husband who was really tired of listening to her talk about them and tried to shut it all down out of fear.

Okay. I have had an increasing amount of anxiety over the next mediation. So much so, that I finally decided, though I wish it otherwise, I would be almost as much of a basket case by the next meeting if I didn’t deal with some of this and soon.

I called W earlier tonight to ask her if we could please postpone the mediation for a week or two. I told her that I wanted to be in a better place mentally so we could discuss these important issues like adults and do what is best for our children. I told her I was sorry I wasn’t there yet, but in the meantime, if she really felt like she needed to file and get the process moving that I would understand (not very good DBing I suppose, but I was honest).

To my surprise, she said she had been feeling the same way. She said she wanted to wait a little while as well, she wasn't so sure now and wanted to talk with her counselor. She said she had pushed for the so soon because she thought it would help me let her go. I told her I had agreed to the D because she had insisted. She said we didn't have to rush (as in Jan?).

I’m a little fuzzy on the exact details of our conversation as I didn’t expect one (!), but…

She said she had been feeling very integrated, like she is putting herself back together. She said that she really was going through ‘something’ in the fall. She really did feel those things she was saying (BD) and that she wanted me to understand how real ALL of it seemed to her at the time, implying she isn’t so sure now. She said she feels like she has taken control of her life. She said she had some things to work through and has done so (though later talked about how she is still remembering new things all the time and working on integrating them). She said she was very proud of herself for facing these things and she thought she was f’ing awesome, even if I didn’t. I tried to validate and let her do most of the talking.

There was a bit of MLC script (maybe not compatible, I didn’t really like her, etc.), but not the hurtful spew as in Jan. and Feb. She said she thought the kids were doing better in school and happier now that they are in two happy homes and there wasn’t so much conflict. Though I didn’t argue (I said I was very proud of them), this is real nutty. There was no huge amount of conflict before BD. I’m glad the children are weathering this okay (I don’t know if I would have at their ages), but they have always excelled at school and if anything, they are, sadly, being more eager to please. This exchange just reminded me of how skewed her perception of our M and the current situation still is.

She wanted to tell me about a recent job interview. It’s a good job with real career potential and she really thinks she has a good shot. I think it sounds awesome and told her so. She said she didn’t think she would have had the courage to pursue it before BD, and she is probably right (certainly in the summer leading up to it).

She said that I had so many admirable qualities and her life was so blessed for me having been a part of it. She said that she thinks she wants to work on our marriage, but can make no promises. She said she has been waiting for that ‘in love’ feeling to return, but it just hasn’t and she doesn’t know if it ever will. The new her looks at how I disrespected her and is still very angry about it. She said that she will not go back to the way she was. I said I didn’t think that was possible and no expectations about our relationship beyond respectful cooperation with raising the children.

She said she thinks she wants to keep talking, to see if we can reconnect, though at times I may not want to hear it. I told her I was open to talking about almost anything, but I wasn’t interested in hearing about how awful I am anymore. I don’t know if this was a mistake, but it was honest. I told her I have apologized for my role in breakdown or our M and am still examining it, but I can’t change the past. She started crying toward the end and sounded incredibly sad when saying goodbye. My heart was breaking so bad for her. She may not want it, but I want to hold her and comfort her so bad.

I am not going to continue to leave all the initiating of communication in her hands, I am essentially in almost total NC. I am going to keep working on my PMA (it sure as sh*t needs it).

I’m not sure what to make of all this. She is still this mix of supreme confidence and confusion. I’m positive if you go through my previous posts, you could find the bits and pieces to construct this exact conversation, so I don’t know. I’m glad mediation is on hold for the moment, but mostly to give me a chance to detach and deal with it if and when it’s back on the table. I’ve been starting to feel a bit like a WAS myself, just trying to resign myself to the reality of the situation and get moving, mostly out of anger. I would rather forgive, love her as a friend if nothing else, and be thankful for what she has given to me over the last 25 years. I’m not there yet. I would truly be interested in anyone’s comments or insights.

With the exception of the working on the marriage part, that is the first I've heard that since....well, ever! I will really try to keep my expectations in check, but this is a positive sign, isn't it? It's so weird, my sitch is so like many on this board (script and some behaviors) and still very different. W seems to realize she is going through this ands its very out of the ordinary for her or anyone else (mentioned that tonight in fact), no drinking or partying AFAIK, and I'm almost positive there is no OM...all that could change tomorrow I suppose, but I still find it strange.

I wanted to also mention something about her IC visits as she told me tonight she wanted to talk with her IC again after putting a hold on the mediation. W is on my insurance and i get a monthly statement showing med visits and how much the insurance paid, etc., so I see each time anyone in the family sees a dr. Anyway, the last three times W contacted me to say she was going to file for D were either on the following day or on the day of an IC visit. She does not go regularly, so I don't think it is a coincidence. I'm morbidly curious to see what happens next time. J.

Jeesh, I meant that I AM going to leave all comms up to her. I get the feeling my near total NC has created some space for her..maybe? If she calls again and it looks like we might actually start talking, I'm going to need help!

It's my b-day BTW. Not a peep from W, but I'm not surprised at this point. Any thoughts on what I wrote last night? Real curious is all.
J.