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Bea,
I hope your xh is different than mine. My xh wanted to put things right w/family and friends, but it was lip service. He's still floundering out there and hasn't reconnected w/a number of his family including his once favorite uncle. They talk about things quite a bit, but actions are very slow to come. I guess it's because they are extremely slow in waking up and do not know how to go about reconnecting w/people. I think they do have a "fear" that they will be shunned or rejected and they are still fragile and don't want the door shut in their faces.

Yes, you are correct, the play has moved on and so many things have changed and it's difficult for them to catch up. However, if he's determined to make things right, he will paddle extremely hard to catch up and do the right things. It's a lot of work and they have to be determined to do the hard work or they just stay in the same spot floating.

My xh doesn't look well either. He just turned 60 and he now looks older than me! He use to have that baby face quality about him which made him look very young, but it's not there any longer. It's very sad.

My sense is that they have lost their emotional connection to the real world, and can't get it back. It is like faulty wiring. And I am sure that fear also plays a part

Sad to say it doesn't really affect any of us any more whether my xh gets his act together or not. We would rather he did than not, but for his sake rather than ours. We all hoped for it for so long, but life moved on, and now he is just a somewhat shadowy figure in our memories. Less than if he had died. My mother who died around the same time is more 'real' to me than my xh, and I really loved that guy.

It doesn't come right, for most of us, the way we hoped and longed for, but it comes out right in some way, for most, if we persevere.

Bea,
I agree w/you. I never dreamed that I would experience such pain and disillusionmet w/my xh during his crisis. However, as you stated, it may not have been what we hoped for, but it does come out right in many other ways, is we continue to move forward and regain our selves.

Bea,
I am glad you have a sense of closure, to a point. the way you describe it, he sounds a little desperate. But be careful in feeling too sorry for him. I have had to realize that pity and love aren't the same.

I have found the tables turning a bit as well, but I had a dream where we sort of got back together and I really did not want to be with him any more. He just started back in with his criticism and I was thinking "Wow, I don't want to deal with that."

The last time X had anything to say to me, he gave an angry MLC-ish apology that was still blaming me.

I have noticed odd looks from X, but you know things have changed when you just don't really care.

Beatrice, i have a question for you...
At bomb drop, we all wish for reconnection.. We are so much in love and also in denial of the events that are taking place.. We all look for answers and signs.. What you are describing now is what i have envision the end of my story to be. I always saw myself as the key holder through out his crisis. I always knew it would be my choice to take him back or move on, eventho he sees it as HIS sole decision.. Like i wouldn' t have a say in it.. I am 3yrs and a half past bomb and he still runs the show ( in his mind )..

My question: How did you see your future ? Have you ever envision this? Not his but yours..

Forward - I have been there with angry apology! I am about 7 and a half years post bomb, and have become more and more detached. I cannot say that I do not care at all, as he is the father of my children and our marriage lasted for over 30 years during which time I was very happy, and believed he was.

I am sorry for what he has lost and who he has become, which isn't quite the same as pity. I no longer need not to care if that makes sense. I can have authentic emotions about the whole situation without any sense of pain, which is very liberating.

I am whole without him, and he adds nothing to my life, nor can I see him ever doing so, but I can have him on the edges of my life, if need be without it bothering me.

Exquisite. I would say that in severe MLC - which most of the people here seem to be experiencing with their spouses, running the show is a good way of the MLCer describing it for a large part of the crisis.

It is only in the last year that I got any sense that my xh is experiencing any realisation of what he has lost. And that is intermittent.

I hoped deep down for reconciliation, for a very long time, but have worked hard over the past two years at detachment, and it worked. This is harder than many people think after a long marriage (and mine was more than 30 years) not to want to grow old with that person. But one way or another my detachment has increased, and this is the first time I have seen him without an increase in nvervousness or heartbeat! But then I haven't seen hi for nearly three years.

I have absolutely no wish to reconcile, but equally, as I said no desire to punish. I am strangely indifferent, but still fond of him the way one is of any old friend that one has dritted apart from. I do not feel myself 'better' than him, just very separate.

So not where I hoped to be for a long time, but now better than I ever expected - a vague friendship, and on my terms.

I'm getting there.

Running the show.

That's my H as well. When I ask him to leave he says I'm "pushing him". Making him make up his mind before he's ready. Never mind that I'm ready - completely irrelevant.

Oh ha ha... getting on that crazy train...

Thank you for posting Beatrice

It is so good to see the mlcer come back to some sort of reality
so the books and everything we have read over the years are true

It gives me hope too that one day my XH will reappear and try to rebuild his life and R with his kids
I like you have nothing left for our old R as I have totally moved on as well