Wife opened up to me this week about things that she was upset and frustrated about. Things she expressed:
A feeling of anger and grief over the loss of her career that she sacrificed to stay home with kids.
Frustration that she doesn't see a return to that career as a possibility anymore.
Frustration and a feeling of being overwhelmed by having to start over from zero on an education in pursuit of a new career.
A feeling that she is getting older and time is getting shorter for her.
A need to find something that she can do to support herself. Something that she likes and enjoys (which leads full circle back to anger and grief over lost career that she loved).
She blames:
911 Me for having a job that requires me to be away from home Me for not accepting a work arrangement where we had opposite schedules (she didn't want a au pair living in our home and we both didn't want to do interstate commutes for us to live close to my family) The challenge of having a special needs kid
Dissatisfaction with me spending money on our home for pricey improvements.
She asked me if I knew what she wanted. I replied that she wanted quality time. Time spent together enjoying life. She told me she wants to do things like go to Africa, swim with great white sharks, go on Safari. Big experiences. She then sent me a link to a Youtube vid of Ken Block on a Gymkhana course in France. She says, "I want to do this"!!!!!
She DID talk about us keeping our home for another 10 years. She did say something about the kids experiencing her vacation dreams too. I honestly can't remember if I was included or not.
I keep listening and validating. (and making my changes!)
Sounds good that she is opening up to you. My W has yet to give me reasons for her feelings. Some of your W statements you can do nothing about other than being supportive.
38 years old is way too young to think she is getting old. My W has said the same things. She talks about her wrinkles (very minor forehead wrinkles that everyone has), her age, MY spot of grey (she says if I have grey hair then it is just a matter of time before she has it). It all seems silly to me but they are obviously real concerns for her that I try to not dismiss.
W also really wants to find a new job to "support herself". Good luck PF.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I honestly don't know where our girls are getting this feeling of concern over their age. My wife has taken up a close friendship with another married woman who seems to be struggling as well. She is 36, the same as your wife.
There is something they are seeking. My wife seems to really be struggling.
Wife opened up to me this week about things that she was upset and frustrated about. Things she expressed:
A feeling of anger and grief over the loss of her career that she sacrificed to stay home with kids. Well, isn't there some truth to ^^this? I'm a Lawyer and my h is an MD. I put him thru med school and our son was 8 WEEKS old when h began. In fairness to h, I doubt he knew anymore than I did about what was coming...but no way would I do that again...and heck YES I made several lateral moves, turned down a partnership offer, etc...all to make sure someone (= me) was home with our kids at night.
H could not do that for several years, and then he just would not do that b/c he was so used to being THE priority and having vacations and events centered around his horrendous work schedule, that if a child was sick and I was working, it was more or less understood that I would be the one to take off work. If by chance I was in trial our out of town, someone in my family or that I arranged for, would come in.
On the rare occasion where I could not make all the arrangements (like when my dad was suddenly dying), h did not take off work, he farmed the kids out to neighbors they barely knew. Or took them to the hospital and left them in the Operating Room lounge to watch a movie while he did a case...
I try not to think of things like that or I get mad again. But if you were to ask h now about it, he'd probably recall it fondly...
so why not validate that she did make a sacrifice but mention your gratitude for it? Ask what she thinks your kids would be like if she were working full time? Not to argue, but to explore...btw, my youngest was asked to define "latchkey kid" the other day and said she'd "never heard that word." I felt a little proud.
Frustration that she doesn't see a return to that career as a possibility anymore.
Frustration and a feeling of being overwhelmed by having to start over from zero on an education in pursuit of a new career. Are these fears valid? Getting a teaching certificate has been a real pain for me considering I have a doctorate. But it is doable. What would your wife do if she could do anything? What exactly is stopping her?
A feeling that she is getting older and time is getting shorter for her. join the club...but hey, we're living longer now too...and besides, I'll go nuts if all I contemplate is what I missed out on instead of what is still to come.
A need to find something that she can do to support herself. Something that she likes and enjoys (which leads full circle back to anger and grief over lost career that she loved). because...she wants to be on her own or she wants to be able to be?
She blames:
911 seriously? People DIED that day. And her concern is how her career was affected? It's been over a decade...time to adapt, like the thousands of people who lost family members or who still suffer breathing problems or lost their homes, etc...
Me for having a job that requires me to be away from home for me, this is a legit complaint^^^. But I Sense you are not willing to make any changes, correct? So if that cost you the marriage, is that a price you're willing to pay?
FYI , MOST women I know, do tire of absentee fathers/mates after awhile --and if it's not "temporary" and she has to stay home all the time...until the kids are all older...then
I have to ask...what did you think would happen?
Me for not accepting a work arrangement where we had opposite schedules (she didn't want a au pair living in our home and we both didn't want to do interstate commutes for us to live close to my family) Wow.. How far do you live from work? Why is this lifestyle your choice? I mean, it sounds crazy and unrelenting,
so my question is why not restructure your lifestyle? What are you waiting for...before you admit "it's not working"?
The challenge of having a special needs kid that's a tragic thing & I don't know what to say. Sure, I hear people say it's been a blessing in disguise. But I don't want to minimize it -- but then I don't want to be melodramatic either.
I don't recall the nature of your child's disability but it is, no doubt, a stressor on you both...and if your w is a SAHM, then it's triply hard for her. Dissatisfaction with me spending money on our home for pricey improvements.
well...?? Anything on that issue? I mean is there anything you're willing to work on at your end? I'm just asking...b/c you can "validate" all you want but what is it you are working on, since you said you are working on you?
She asked me if I knew what she wanted. I replied that she wanted quality time. Time spent together enjoying life. She told me she wants to do things like go to Africa, swim with great white sharks, go on Safari. Big experiences. She then sent me a link to a Youtube vid of Ken Block on a Gymkhana course in France. She says, "I want to do this"!!!!! what was your response to this??^^ Seems to me she's throwing you a lot of life lines..she has been giving a lot for a long time and her tank is nearly empty....so, what's up at your end?
Can she honestly expect her life and marriage to change or improve anytime soon?
She DID talk about us keeping our home for another 10 years. She did say something about the kids experiencing her vacation dreams too. I honestly can't remember if I was included or not. do you want to be included? From this post, I can't tell...
I keep listening and validating. (and making my changes!)
At least she keeps talking.
Sometimes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It IS true that my wife sacrificed her career to stay home with our girls. She is justified in how she feels about this. Like you, she wanted to make sure that it was one of US who was at home with our kids. She has taken care of our home, run kids to school, doctor appointments, helped with homework, scheduled play dates... the list goes on and on. She has done an excellent job of raising our girls and my heart aches because of where she is.
I wasn't supportive, understanding or helpful. I didn't know my kids very well. I was disconnected from them and harsh with them. As of this past summer, that has changed. I have come to know my daughters on a much deeper level. I feel connected to them. I feel I now know them. It's fun to talk with them and find out what they are interested in and what they are thinking about or working on. We do things together now. Now I am not harsh with them. I want to guide them and help them and teach them. They are a joy. (Most of the time.)
I am an airline pilot. My wife was too. When I met her she was a flight attendant and she busted her a** to make it into the cockpit. She got hired at a regional and four months after she was hired, she was out of work. The industry has never been the same. While she was furloughed, we had our firstborn. She got called back, but declined the offer. She says she did it for me. I believe her.
When she was hired, we moved to her base. That is why I commute. It's 2.5 hours via jet to work for me. I am gone half the month. We both love where we live, the schools are very good, it is very family/kid friendly and my wife now has a network of good friends who are from her homeland. They mean a lot to her. I feel she has become closer to them than she is to me.
I cannot work where we live. We could only move to where I work. I am open to anything. I HONESTLY would do anything she would ask of me to save our marriage. She means that much to me. I don't think she would want me to give up my job, but I have never asked. Maybe I should. I could work at my base as an instructor pilot and be home most every night. That is an option.
I WILL make it a point to express to her my gratitude and appreciation for her sacrifice. I just don't think that is enough, though. I need somehow to find a way that I can give her restitution for all that she has given to me. Restitution and a genuine change in me are the only things I have to give her. Plus I can listen to her. And LOVE her...if she will let me.
She is looking at studying meteorology now. It is something closely related to her past job and a subject she enjoys. I have told her I will do what it takes for it to happen. If she wants it, I will do it. I will reverse rolls with her, taking on the kids, the household, anything I can to help. She has applied and all she is waiting for is to be accepted.
Our oldest is ADHD and we are getting her tested for autism this month. She has a big heart and is very loving and affectionate, but can be a great challenge as well. I love my daughter, but not the "special needs" part. It is very difficult and does add stress to our home.
I have promised my wife NO MORE BIG HOME IMPROVEMENT EXPENDITURES, and I MEAN it! I have begun also to make sure that I do all that I can to keep my spending in check. I ask her what she thinks about a purchase before it is made and if she doesn't feel comfortable with it, I honor her feelings. We are very blessed in having zero debt with the exception of a mortgage, but we haven't spent the money where she wants to spend it. She values education and experiences; not things. I really DO have an AWESOME girl!!
I hope you can see by way of this post that I DO want to be a part of her future!!
Did you and your husband come to an agreement that it would be you who sacrificed? Or did your husband just kind of pressure or push you into that position? Did your decisions regarding this have to do with earnings potential? Has your husband never come to realize your sacrifice? Has he ever truly shown you that he sees and is grateful for everything you have given? Has he tried to make it up to you?
We talked about our situation years ago and I thought that we both agreed. My wife told me within the last 6 months that I wanted it that way and she really didn't. She was willing to have opposite schedules so that one of us would always be with the kids and she could work, too. I remember telling her I didn't want to never see her. She acquiesced. I made much more money than she did, so I stayed working and she quit. I certainly pray that I have not traded my relationship with my wife for money!
Looking forward to tomorrow! This is gonna be something good for me. Something to look forward to. Something new. It would be really cool, too, if the girls end up enjoying it as much as I think I will. This is something that will open a new world to explore.
Came home today. Acting as if. Told her I wanted to sleep in our MB with her. She said "OK". Trying to not examine everything that I do before I do it. Trying to just live life like I always have. Never used to tip toe around stuff. So, I'm not going to do that anymore. So far, so good!
Looking forward to tomorrow! This is gonna be something good for me. Something to look forward to. Something new. It would be really cool, too, if the girls end up enjoying it as much as I think I will. This is something that will open a new world to explore.
are you referring to your wife's counselling session as the thing you are looking forward to?
PF, hold on sweetie...I don't want to burst your bubble, but most mc's are NOT solution based or pro marriage, which is what YOU want and need.
Most mc's, not all but most, will let you re-hash the past and you can feel worse when you leave there than when you got there.
It CAN help but usually it makes things worse, and then the WAS checks off their list as something they "tried."
If you go, then LISTEN and when pressed, ask for solutions and ways to resolve conflict...say you are willing to change... consider it a recon mission and you're there to get info for the "mission"...which is you figuring out which 180s are the most important to work on...
and take it from there...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
