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I thought I'd introduce myself, and start on this long road to (hopefully) a new and improved marriage.

Briefly, I've suffered for years with severe anxiety and agoraphobia which I now realise has badly affected my marriage. I started getting niggles that things weren't right last year and made some big steps in improving myself and our marriage - or so I thought. We started to see a MC but then H decided against it ( waste of time, only out for the money) so I took to the Internet and books.

I have made a huge improvement in my anxiety issues, and I'm continuing with my mini goals that I have set myself. I have also managed to lose that hard to shift 5kg and get my diabetes numbers stable. I'm really pleased with myself with what I have achieved so far.

Just before Christmas, H announced that he cared for me but didnt love me. He wanted us to continue with our business for the next three years, pay off the business debt and house and then he would leave me with the house, sell the machinery and take that money and travel overseas for two years. He has no idea what he is going to do after that. Oh, and did I want him to move out now?

I think I surprised him because I asked for a cuddle! We had a couple of days apart due to work and when he returned I asked him to stay and work on things for six months as I had no idea that he felt this way. He has agreed to stay for six months. We have been talking, and going round in circles, but it is only just recently that I have thought he is in MLC.

There is an OW, she rides moto-x bikes with him and I had thought that she was just part of the 'gang'. I think H feels differently, he says he thinks of her as his little sister but he also says he would like to have sex with her. He had never sent a text message in his life until I asked him not to keep phoning her, then he started to text her everyday. He is open about these messages and will show them to me if I ask. She also visits our home on occasions for meals (keep your friends close,and your enemies closer!!!)

Lack of sex has always been an issue but I did a lot of reading and thinking and I have now changed how I feel about that. I am now more confident with my body, and my wardrobe has certainly changed - shorter skirts, lower tighter tops, and even shorts! The flannel pj's have gone too! I am also trying to take more of an interest in our business, and in H's hobby of moto-X. I have been reading about the 180' and a lot of what I have been doing seems to be along those lines.

We talk quite a bit about our business and possible plans for it. I am going to stop all talk of our relationship from now on unless he brings it up. I am going to continue to spend time with H, as this is so different to how it has been. The OW has a new boyfriend, and she and I have had lunch alone a couple of times. I honestly believe that she doesn't feel the same way towards H as he does about her, either that or I shall nominate her for an Oscar. H is definitely enamoured with her at the moment though.

I haven't asked H to leave. He's a big boy and if wants to go he can. Since rediscovering sex I find I want it more often and he comes in handy! I have started to tentatively make plans for my future, although running the business together for the next three years does make this a bit difficult. I am mainly focussing on conquering my anxiety issues, and if H is around then good, if not, I'll have to do it by myself.

Hopefully this post makes some sort of sense and isn't too scatty! No doubt I will have more specific questions and concerns as time slowly goes by, but I thought I had to make a start somewhere and say hello!

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

Hello and welcome!!



It sounds like you're already doing some great things, unfortunately you were a little behind the curve as your H was probably already planning his exit before you started making the changes. That's OK, just keep up with your changes, he'll notice them but it'll take him a while to accept they're real and not just tricks to get him back.



I have yet to read one instance of MC helping with a WAS. The problem is the WAS is already done long before MC starts, so by then they're just seeking validation that leaving is the right thing to do.



Fantastic! Keep it up!



Good! Have you read DR? If not then get it right away. Also read Sandi's DB tips (thread at top of forum). Those tips are a life-saver, read them every day so you know what to do and not do around H. Give him time and space, remove all pressure, work on yourself and let him digest your changes.



That's not a good strategy when it comes to an OP because it pushes them together more often. Also you can inadvertently send a message that they have your blessing in an affair.



It does sound that way, so stick with it! The changes have to be consistent and they have to be done over a long period of time before they truly impact the WAS.



You could very well be right. Often a WAS will fall in love with an idea rather than an actual person. So he may have this fantasy in his head about OW and he's in love with that fantasy but it may not reflect reality at all.



And you shouldn't, but if he says he wants to then just validate with something like "I want you to stay and work on the M, but more than that I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving will make you happy then I support your decision." It's important that he feel no pressure from you regarding leaving or staying, if he understands it's his choice to make then he may not feel the need to leave anytime soon.

Good luck!

Thanks for the replies. I think it will be helpful to be able to 'chat' with people in similar circumstances.

Thank you anotherStander for the hints on how to reply if/when H says he wants to move out. I had planned on a simple 'OK' but felt it didn't convey exactly how I felt.

I spent the day yesterday with H in the truck. I'm sure he was expecting me to want to talk about how we are going but I chose to just chill out and enjoy the day. Before kids, and when our eldest was a baby I regularly went with him in the truck but as the kids got older it got more difficult, and he couldn't always guarantee we would be home at a certain time to collect them from school, therefore I just got out of the habit. It was one of H complaints that I wouldn't go so I have been trying to get out with him more often, and I enjoy it! It makes me sit and do nothing, and H gets my undivided attention!

Sandi's tips are saved on my ipad - if I could have them pinned to the fridge I would!!!! Also the DR book is ordered and hopefully on its way, I might have to disguise that one with a cookery book cover!

I've got a couple of questions on how to respond to some comments that H makes.

As I've said before, H plans on travelling overseas in 2-3 years time. Every so often he makes the comment that he is still going overseas, nothing has changed, even though we are planning ahead with our business.

Also, H frequently says he feels guilty for hurting me so badly. ( I did a lot of crying in the first week or so after H said he was leaving, I tend to have a few tears when he's not around now)

How do I respond to these remarks? He will often give me a hug around the time he is saying them too!

Confused!!!!

Day has started off badly. Just logged on to check the phone bills and found that H had been testing OW all day yesterday. I was on a course for work, and was so pleased to have him send me a text on my way home to find out if I had passed. Feel totally deflated this morning to find these other texts, all deleted from his phone too.

I know I mustn't get upset over this, detaching is HARD. I must look up my list of all the things that H does that pisses me off, that might help things along.

Off to play in the veggie garden and avoid him so I don't say anything to him about it.

That's quite a ways off, I'm sure by then you'll have a better grasp of where your M is going one way or the other. I wouldn't worry about it for now. When he brings it up then just listen to him and make neutral comments like "I understand your stance on this."



WAS's will often be overwhelmed with guilt about their actions and may even cry about it, but don't confuse that for a desire to reconcile. They are still resolute that they're making the right decision in leaving. When he brings it up just validate his feelings. Don't say things like "I understand, I feel that way too" or "you shouldn't feel guilty" or "you should feel guilty, I'm in a lot of pain over this." All of those things belittle his feelings and emotions. Just ask him how he feels, try to get him to discuss his feelings. Just validate his emotions by saying things like "Are you in pain? I understand why you're in pain, this is a very difficult thing for you to go through, I'm sorry you're hurting." I know how difficult it is for the LBS to reaffirm the WAS when the LBS feels like they are the one that should be affirmed (believe me I do personally know!) but it's what the WAS needs to help them through the process of finding their way.

My DR book has arrived! It's now covered in a novel cover as a disguise and I'm off to get chocolate, a beer and a comfy chair. See you all later

Still reading and absorbing DR. I can see its something to be read and re-read frequently for both advice and encouragement.

H has been cranky for the past couple of days, short tempered about work and generally grumpy. Usually I would take it all to heart and worry about it and how to change things but I've told myself its just the way he is feeling, there isn't anything I can do about it and he will get over it himself. I sat with him at the table while he grumbled and moaned and paid attention to what he was saying but didn't do much else.

I'm off out to dinner with a couple of girlfriends tonight. I casually informed H that I would be out tonight and refrained from asking if it was OK with him! Off to get myself prettied up for the evening

I read through it quickly twice and in the months since then I read it much more slowly and in smaller increments. I've been through it many times at this point, yet still it seems like I learn something new every time I pick it up.



Good, that's what it means to detach from the roller coaster. Just maintain your PMA no matter what his attitude is



Excellent, keep it up!