Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not the typical DBer

As my title says, my sitch isn't typical. I'm active duty mil overseas married to a foreign national for 9 years. I'm 19 mos from retiring and was planning to stay overseas with my wife and children. We've been separated (by choice of career and opportunities) for 6 of those 9. We've maintained two households and visited each other at least twice a year during that time. Our eye on the prize was for me to finish my mil career and for her to graduate school and start her career. We supported each other for this decision. Of course, since we've been apart so frequently I lost touch on my priorities and slacked off on showing that I love her physically. I also slacked on the "small things" that mean so much in a R. I instead was showing my love in other ways such as emotional support and monetary support so my family could reside comfortably overseas while I was temporarily stateside for 3 yrs. I finally got an assignment on the same continent as them and was led to believe that matters were going to be able to be mended. Well long story short, she did the BD on 8 Feb and I've been beside myself since. My reason for posting is how can I work my DBing when we don't see each other due to living in different countries? Right now I'm applying the communication distancing. So far it's been only 5 days since last talking to each other on the phone. All of your stories have been inspirational to me and I've read the book, but I think my sitch is too unique and she's been used to being without me for too long. I'm just hoping that time will assist and she'll snap out of it. It's just foolish of her to quit so close to the "finish line." I don't get it. I'm not saying that I don't have flaws, but she refuses to give me the opportunity to see how things go after I retire.

Hi and thank you for posting and thank you for your service. The trials of being apart when you are deployed are definitely a challenge. We speak to many, many military families (and offer a military discount for coaching). I hope you will call and set up an appointment to talk to a coach, as they are experts in the best way to approach your spouse, and will give you hope and clarity on how to go forward. Take good care.

Your sitch is atypical, but I think DB'ing will still benefit you. Have you read DR? If not then pick it up right away, it'll help a lot.

I think it's common for us guys to look to the future for cures to our marital problems. When you say you were looking to retirement for everything to get better, I likewise saw a lot of problems in our M but thought we could right all the problems after the kids moved out and we retired. I was content to live with things as-is on the hope that the future would be better. It never crossed my mind that W might feel differently, and did she ever! While I was patiently waiting it out she was quietly planning her escape. I suspect the same happened in your M.

Since you've been separated for quite some time already, the normal DB'ing advice of detaching and getting a life doesn't really apply to you I don't think. It might be a good idea to talk to a DB coach because they have more tools for specific situations like yours then we do here on the forums. But feel free to journal here and we'll help as best we can.

Good luck!

Thanks Karen! Had I been deployed, it may have changed the sitch between my wife and I. I'm stationed at an accompanied location where she could have joined me. However, I was thinking about her new job after graduating nursing school and the kids' school stability. So I chose to have them stay up north of me (1200 mi) while I finish my service and retire.
I will keep the coaching in mind, however my spouse is against counseling unless it was geared to help us move forward and learn to become friends after divorce.

Take care!

AS,
Before I decided to post my sitch I've been following a lot of threads that I thought were close to mine. You've given some great inspiration and advice to folks and I'm humbled to speak with you.
Yes, I've read DR. It really helped me center my overflow of emotions. I am the guy who tries to come up with solutions and I've been working on my 180 for that.


Yes, although we both knew that we were in the homestretch of being done with the military and getting back together to enjoy the "afterlife" where we both could focus on the family. She had told me at various times she was unhappy, but while we're geographically separated, there's not much I can do. Just like now. We went to a marriage counselor only for a week back in 2011 and it seemed to have helped. She was happier--told me so and that my assignment to the same continent made her more relaxed. Now, she says that 1-week of counseling was adequate for us "trying everything" to save our marriage. BS!



Yeah, I figured that wouldn't work to my advantage in DBing. Sigh! Perhaps the counseling with her to "move on" will be my only gateway for a different path.

For right now, I haven't spoken to her for about 8 days and I really don't have anything to discuss with her. It just boils down to her decision really. I have most of her stuff in the home here and I provide for a great deal of their living expenses plus food expense. I've been sacrificing for so long and I feel so betrayed. Yet she says I've betrayed her since I've made some bad decisions. Who doesn't?

I've already seen that reasoning with her doesn't work and at this point I just want to keep my dignity in tact and GAL. So that's what I'm doing now. Besides, in 19 months I have to have a plan in place for what I want to do that doesn't involve her yet keeps me close to the kids.

Thanks for listening.

Please know that most people do the coaching on their own, because there partner isn't willing. The coaching will help you make a plan of how to get through to your wife, so that you are not pushing her further away and increasing your odds that she will react more positively. When couples talk to a coach together it is often presented that it is about closure, moving forward and co-parenting...but it is always the goal to save the marriage. Take care!

Thank you, that's very flattering



A fellow fixer! LOL! That's been a big 180 for me too! When I think back about the many conversations I had with W over the years and how I should have been validating when instead I was fixing (or trying to), it just makes me shake my head. Boy do I wish I had learned these things 20 years ago.



Yeah, that's just part of her rewriting of history. Nearly all WAS's engage in it to some extent. One of the DB tips is not to believe anything the WAS says and only half of what they do. That is one reason right there, they just don't remember things clearly while they're in the fog.



Can you expand on that, what are the bad decisions she's talking about? There may be opportunities for 180's there. And when she says things like that, your inclination is to say "I am the one that's been betrayed!!!" But don't. Fight that urge. Instead, show her compassion. Validate her emotions. Tell her you understand why she feels betrayed, ask her how it makes her feel and tell her you're sorry she feels that way and you're committed to making sure she doesn't feel that way again. She will probably be shocked that you express interest in her emotions, so you've got to keep doing it again and again before she'll start believing it's real.



No, reasoning absolutely doesn't work. When you try and reason, you dismiss her feelings. You try and explain them away. It is the OPPOSITE of validation, and validation is what she needs right now. As far as dignity, validation does NOT take away your dignity. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it is simply encouraging discussion of emotions and letting her know you value her emotions and want to hear about them.

Welcome to the board?

What is your relationship with your children?

I thnk that your wife has had to do things to survive, to meet her own needs, so that there are things going on that you have no clue about.

Her prize may have been different than yours.

There have been lots of military sichs here on the forums.

There can always be hope as long as that is within you.

RS...

Simple question here...

Do you Love her ???



Cause it's not too often, that I read the first few posts from someone, that "Love" is not mentioned...

Not once, did you say that you Loved her....

And please don't come back and say "Of course I do"

I don't know you at all, only from your words here..

So help me out a bit ???








You said that,

Our eye on the prize was to.....


From reading you, it seems as if it was a lot of, Your eye on the prize.....


Maybe a little bit more background from you , and more of what is going on...

I'm just perplexed at the moment...

Most guys that come here, the first things that we read, is about how much Love they have for their spouse, and about how great their children are, ages, etc...

None of that up there ^^^ buddy....



So maybe you could take some time to help get to know you, what you want, what you need help with, etc....

AS,
As of now I haven't had a conversation on the phone with W for 2 weeks now. You may be right that the "going dim/dark" might not work in my sitch since it's what has probably brought us to this point. I asked her last night if we could chat sometime this weekend, and she asked, "what about?" I said, "to listen to each other about how we feel and perhaps we can understand one another about this sitch." She said OK. We'll see.

To answer about the bad decisions she claimed I made, it had to do with the various assignments we were given and that she was under the impression that it was at my request to move for all of them. I think she figures that had we stayed longer at those locations, matters may have been different because she would have been able to be around her friends (foreign nationals and Americans)longer. She blames me for that. She also brought up the fact that she told me not to buy a house when I was stationed in the US (while she was attending nursing school in Europe) and yet I did it anyway. I did admit to her that it was a dumb move and I didn't have all the facts of what my options were, but I luckily broke even when I sold. It was a life lesson for me and it only affected her when she came to visit.

You're right, validation doesn't steal your dignity. I just meant that I didn't want to continue as a sobbing mess.
I know that my biggest F-up with me is that I have been talking about me and not listening to her and others. I've really been missing out. I'm currently working on that as a 180. Especially since I have nothing now to share with others. I don't want others to know about my sitch. Only my counselor, sister, and my boss. I'm in a "small town" and don't want stuff to spread.