Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

We'll let’s see... I've been working out at least 3 times a week (I've been feeling unattractive for a while and need that boost of self-confidence). I've been eating better, smoking less (the plan is 7 by March 15 and 4 by April 15 and so far I've only went above the 7 one time when I was out at the bar. I've been spending more quality time with S. I was doing before but more now since the weather is getting better as well. We went to the new MLK Jr. Memorial, Air and Space Museum, and an Art Museum. He is only 16 months old but its fun having him run around and looking amazed of the big things. Usually it would have been W that would have me do these things and even if I did not admit them, I enjoyed it so now I am enjoying it with my S. I've been going to the book store and reading drinking my hot chocolate. I've been reading relationship and self-help books but I need to ease out of those since I have to let it all sink in and really believe if it is meant to be it is meant to be. Not to say I will not improve myself but you know what I mean.

I'm trying to find more/new GAL so maybe I will look into taking some sort of a class. I need to find time since I really don't have as much time with a toddler and busy work but I know I need to devote some time just for myself and find things that peak my interest. I'll let you know what I come up with.

You are correct AS… I am noticing more and more now and not just with W that I talk about how I relate to a person’s issue when they are telling me their problem. And honestly, it is not trying to minimize their feelings but more trying to relate to it to build a better bond. But I am actively trying stop that and it is hard. When I just sit there and listen and say how crappy it must but, I feel like I am not being helpful. I try to be the fix it guy and find solutions but most of the time, that’s not what people are looking for. This is something I really need to work on. Its something I have to keep looking at as I talk to people. I also have been thinking of if I was telling someone my issues, how I would feel if they tell me they have been through something similar as well. I am still not sure if I would mind it but it seems a lot of people do. Especially W! So more trying to relate to her in my way.



I guess I am still in a fantasy land of where each person shared their perspective. But that’s not where we are. Its hard for me to swallow when I feel like there is my side of it as well. I don’t feel my side is the right side but I feel less when my view is not heard at all. It eats me up inside. I don’t know why that is either.


Now this is hard to do because I have many issues with W that have affected me deeply but I guess since she is the one trying to leave I have to suck it up for now. Very hard to do and sometimes when I feel like I am being beat up and I can’t bring the issues I have with her up, I ask myself is this all worth it? Sometimes I am not even sure. And sometimes I worry even if there is a possibility of reconciling, would W be will to work on the issues with me or not. It’s a big uphill battle I (and everybody else DBing) going against. If that ever happens, I hope I have enough self-respect and worth where I am able to come up with boundaries and be able to enforce it. But I am nowhere close to that.


You are correct, it is still so hard for me to see W closed off to me but that shouldn’t mean I can’t improve. And I should not improve for her but for myself. I need to keep telling myself that and continue the course. In the last couple of days, I have been trying not to mind read. I have been for so long it comes naturally. I keep telling myself with or without her I am still going to be me. Better with her but not the end of the work if it is without her. I need to really do this for myself.

I wake up some days and I am so motivated and I know my goal and how to achieve and other days the thought of being a failure in the M and I didn’t see this coming brings me down. My IC has been good at letting me know that it is good that I know my part in it but I am not the only one for the problems of the M.

Thanks for taking the time and giving me your input AS! This kind of support and breaking things down how I come off to others lets me see how I am proceeded and how I am able to do better.

Ahhh what a day of emotional ups and downs it has been... Monday I had my IC who spoke with our MC and said she was lost on how to help us as she sees W not able to function in any situation not only in the M but also at work or her other personal life. I had to let my IC know that she is a very well-functioning person except when it comes to our M. Especially these days. My IC told me that there is nothing I can do as I have tried to work on it and have given her time. I left there thinking I can't do any more for the M and I can do just for me and my S and D.


W had individual session with the MC yesterday. She texted in the afternoon saying if I can come home earlier since S was home sick and she had the appointment so I did. After she got home she was talkative and we some conversation about S and things. I asked how MC went and she said it was ok. She also said she should go to work since she left early. S got up from his nap and we took him to the playground. We came back home and did the ritual getting him ready for bed. She said she is going to work and then pick stuff up for her meeting next day since she will be working from home. She left and I put him to bed. She got home a little after midnight but i was half asleep on the couch which is my bed.

Today I had the session with the MC by myself and that was interesting to say the least... She kept asking me why am I still in it with someone who is not nice to me and that I think is having some sort of an affair EA/PA.. I told her of how I felt that the M hasn't been good for a while and that I do not want the same M but know that M is really a good person and that after the pregnancy everything changed. W felt I was not there for her. I felt when I tried to be there W pushed me away. I took that personally thinking she did not want to have the child with me. She also said that when we first met that I said I wanted W to make her decision on to stay together or split. She brought that up so I am thinking she might be trying to push it one way or another. We have another individual MC coming up and then all meet together the 2 weeks from now. I went to work and that was stressful as I had a presentation and meetings to deal with. I left work and felt so alone and so down with the feeling of being the only one wanting this marrige to work. MC asked why I have hope for anything since W does not seem to give any evidance of wanting to work on it. She said you guys have some sort of a glue that keeps you in this very unhappy place for the both of you and something has to give. That was on my mind the whole time after. I keep thinking am I just being hard headed and wanting it to work so bad?

I got home and W just finished giving S a bath and he came running to me with this big smile and gave me hug. He is 16 months old and growing so fast. That hug was soooooooo what I needed. I was like my day just got so much better. Why asked if it was a crappy day and I said yes but this just made it better. I saw W playing with S and it was so damn beautiful and I saw the person I fell in love with and that also gave me the reason I am fighting for this M. I put him to sleep and W went to bed for a nap.

I went down did the dishes and went to get a glass of wine and noticed one is gone. And I am sure I have seen it yesterday so I am assuming she took it yesterday to "work". As it would usually piss me off I feel like I am in a better place to not let it get to me as it would normally. This is a way of letting it out rather than bringing it up to W. I have to accept she is not accountable to me. I will continue to live my life for myself and kids and not worry about her. She has been talkative but I am not going to read into it since that can change any second. I will need to continue this mind set and not slip. Be a better and kinder person whatever direction this M goes.

So we and our IC received the following email from out MC


My conclusion from meeting individually with you this week (as echoed by both of you) is that it is most important for each of you to work intensively in your individual therapies to reach some resolution about how to proceed with your situation. I do not believe that we are at the point where the three of us can discuss this together in a useful manner. However, I am committed to helping you do that whenever it is possible. To make progress toward that goal, I recommend that you each use the next two weeks working with your therapists to determine if and/or how you would like to use the space of couples treatment to seek some resolution. I will also be in contact with them directly about the advisability and/or timing of scheduling a joint session. Furthermore, if it would be useful for me to meet with each of you individually again before another couples session, we can do that as well.

Please call or email me with questions or concerns about this treatment plan.


I am afraid this will push it to the edge if not push it over the cliff. Like I said before I feel like I am the only one that wants this to work. I need the vet's insight on how to go about this. I am committed to working on myself for myself. I also don't want to go through the process as I know it is not fun and will leave long lasting scar both for me and W. I am feeling alone and not supported and I believe W is in the same place of feeling alone and not supported. How sad that is to not be there to support each other in this state of the M. I wish I could just go there and give her a hug and tell her how I want to be there for her. I know that is not what she wants so I will have to sit by and let her handle it herself. Is that the way I am supposed to respond? I am so lost right now.

I would love to hear positive stiches that are similar to mine so I can see there is a possibility of hope in this. I am detaching but I am not fully there yet. It was looking like climbing a big hill and now it is looking like a mountain.

Just thank your C for her concern and don't go back. Right now you're not in any position to attend M counseling. Work on yourself and your issues. Re-build your self-esteem.

MrBond thanks for a quick reply. Are you talking about the MC? I do see a benefit to continue with my IC but the MC has been painful for the both of us. More so for W than I but it has been painful for me as well. I just need to refocus on talking about my issues and not only about the issues within the M with IC. Since when I first went, I told them I want to make a decision of one way or another, they are pushing it to a decision and I don't think I am there yet.

Yes the MC. That's not doing any good and will be seen as pursuit. Stick with the IC and work on YOU.

I like Bond's suggestion on keeping with the IC and dropping the MC for the time being. Is your W seeing IC too?



That is generally how it goes....this isn't new news to anyone on the board. If our spouses want to work on it too, we'd be "piecing" as it's called.

You are ready to roll up your sleeves and work on you....so start doing it. Your W is not there yet...she's confused, she's lost. The tough part here is realizing that you can't "save her." She has to find her own way. When we DB, when we address our issues, find ourselves again, in a way I think we become a beacon for our spouses to find their way out of the fog.

You mentioned finding your own self-confidence again....what are you doing on that front? Have you read Married Man's Sex Primer? I think it's primary focus is finding that swagger again...worth the read.

What things about yourself are you looking at? What do you want to change? And I'm not talking actions (working out, smoking, etc), I'm talking about the way you think.

The misnomer is, that if they are willing to go to MC, then there is hope on the horizon for the Marriage...

Sometimes it is productive, often times, it is not......yet

If one spouse has one foot out the door, rarely is there a solution that comes from that. Solutions will come, when the WAS is ready for a different decision for their future.

Your hope is for you, and don't let anyone take that from you, for any reason.

Be your own hero..



Bel, first realize that there are YEARS of resentment that has to come out of a WAS. That anger has to find a home some where. Often times, it attends a party held in the counselor's office during a MC session.

Most of the time, it doesn't conform to dress code, and arrives as an ugly beast. Ready to crash the party and knock over the punch bowl.....

Time and space will allow then to do away with a lot of that anger. As long as YOU don't perpetuate it, and provoke it into attending other events in your life.

Working on you, will allow you to accept your part in the failure of the relationship, and allow you to own your truth.

What would you say, not her, was YOUR biggest deficiency in the Marriage ???

Something that YOU didn't like about your role ???

Bel,

I have a question...

In your signature, you say that you have been together for 13 years, yet you have a 9 year old daughter, separate from your W, and this has been an issue for you...

What are the details of this?