IDK grr, I think your points are right but I would caution about listening to your gut when your gut already told you to tape record her and then your gut told you to lie and say you saw spots on the sheets, and to lie and say you didn't have proof, and...
Maybe your brain needs to get control back over your gut.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
advina...i was actually talking about the big picture......about how to handle the situation........for example, because my h had been abandoned as a child by a parent, and has attachment issues, i had to take what i learned in db and tailor it to my situation.....that's all i meant.......
his wife might need to know that he cares about what he knows....acting "as if" in this instance might not be the right thing for him
he knows much better than we do what she needs....he might need to think about that for a bit (sorry to talk about you as if you are not here) but ultimately, he knows her and we don't
I'm just fixated on acting with integrity. Didn't intend to negate your point at all.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with tape recording, or feel that this needs to be disclosed. I am curious why you think this is such an ethical violation?
If it were not an ethical, why wouldn't he have admitted to it the minute she asked if he had proof? Why would he and others here think he should try to avoid having it come to light that he did that? I think if it doesn't pass the sniff test, it's fishy.
But since you asked I thought a little more. There's an NPR episode about a cop whose commanding officers had illegal ticket quotas and punished those who didn't drum up enough tickets, who advocated arresting people who hadn't done anything, who reclassified cases to improve the city's crime statistics. This guy started wearing a tape recorder all the time. He had a hidden tape recorder running the day his colleagues broke into his home and forcibly placed him in psychiatric care. I did not feel he was doing wrong surreptitiously taping these blatant ethical violations so that he could possibly create change.
But a marriage is not so black and white. He had plenty to suspect, and his marriage was not thriving. He played along with moving OM's stuff and left them alone together on purpose to see what would happen, and hid his phone to tape them. Now he's willing to face his wife's ire by accusing her of an affair with OM, but not to face his wife's ire by stating how it is that he knows about it. I don't buy that it's to avoid her being mad at him. I think it's because he feels icky about having done it. And I believe when you have that icky feeling you lose a little self respect every time you try to hide what you did in hopes someone doesn't find out about it. I just believe in owning up, facing the music, admitting that I'm not the 100% good guy to your 100% bad guy.
I'll have to admit, he had good reason to suspect, and was right in his suspicion, and she's bald-faced lying to him, so I can see why he resorted to it. But I don't think he feels good about having done it; why not get it in the open and admit remorse.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
//If it were not an ethical, why wouldn't he have admitted to it the minute she asked if he had proof// To avoid conflict and because it is none of her business. She doesn't need to know. She was in bed with the OM, she already knows the relationship is inappropriate and that she is lying about it. She doesn't need to see evidence.
Interesting - I actually remember that NPR episode. Didn't his boss use his authority to try and get him arrested and break into his house? He captured the whole thing on audio tape.
//I think it's because he feels icky about having done it.// I am not sure that is how he feels. I know I wouldn't feel that way.
//admitting that I'm not the 100% good guy to your 100% bad guy// I take this for granted. It is the reality of life. I don't know why you would have to admit to it.
//why not get it in the open and admit remorse// Because this isn't about a tape recording. It is about the state of their relationship and about her behaviour. The tape recording is just a distraction. In the short time I have dealt with MLC and WAS, I have quickly learned that they search for distractions to avoid dealing with the real substance of the situation. This is a distraction that is better avoided.
