Hi folks---thanks everyone for your comments. A little update. First, the rollercoaster is still here, although the ups and downs and twists and curves are not quite as upsetting as they once were. Both W and I are learning to detatch. Enough so that we can discuss needs, concerns, etc. between just the two of us without requireing a mediator. We continue to read togather. She feels that she has always had a 'backseat' position throughout our relationship--to school, to the army, to the job, etc. I felt she held me out of the children's lives and that my main purpose in the family was to provide a check so she could maintain 'her' family. Hurts over the years without the communication to alleviate them just allowed them to build. The task at hand appears to be figureing out which need to be dealt with to understand so as to not repeat them and which should be best just left behind so we can move forward. A task best achieved with improved communication. ----Think an old dog can still learn new tricks? Harv
Just journaling--stuck my foot in it again. Was feeling very doormatish yesterday. W asked if I wanted to go to the Rec center and do some swimming and hit the hottub for a while. I have been feeling like I am operating at her beck-and-call lately, and didn't say yes or no immediately. About 10 minutes later the game I was watching at the time was over and I mentioned the hottub and was immediately told that I had missed my chance. She was angry, went and sat in a hot bath for a while then headed for her bed without saying anything further. This morning she exploded at me about being "controling". And --- I lost my cool and made a comment about how could I be controling while I felt like a doormat. Just can't seem to get the right combination while still feeling ok about myself.
Small set backs occur. Keep moving forward. Say you are sorry and get on with making things better. This is an opportunity to grow...take it! Make it work for you! Do something different...do not go back into your cave.
Thanks so much for your support. I don't post to other people much. Mostly because I don't feel, in my state of mind, I have anything usefull to add.
Quote: I mentioned the hottub and was immediately told that I had missed my chance.
I can tell you from a womans POV, this was your W being extreamly hurt. Don't think of it as you being a doormat. Think of it as your W reaching out to you the only way she can. When she can.
You are doing the best that you can, but SO IS SHE.
I have trouble with getting the best combination as well. DOn't beat yourself up over it, I agree with the last post. Appoligise and move on. Saying you are sorry really does help. Even if they do not acknowledge it at the time, she will remember that.
Something that you wrote really jumped out at me. It is a problem that I have been having with my H so I thought that I would share. When your wife asked you to go..."you didn't immediately say yes or no"...could this be the thing that made her mad? I know that it drives me crazy when I ask my husband something or make a comment about something and he doesn't respond! It makes a person feel very ignored...and a little angry. Why not give an immediate "I'm not sure". It's better than nothing believe me. And it let's your wife know that you heard her.
For her part...she feels controlled because she let your silence dictate her actions. Meaning, that if I was in her place, I would have gone to the rec center without you! Obviously, it wasn't so much that she wanted the work-out as that she wanted to spend time with you.
Obviously, it wasn't so much that she wanted the work-out as that she wanted to spend time with you.