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I agree with Snodderly on this one, even though I am a newbie.

I have backed off a lot when it concerns things that are taking care of my H (even though we don't live together). Most of my stuff is when it concerns the kids during his time...the way I see it is that the kids are on H's time, ha can deal with it, whether I am there or not...also with the decisions concerning the kids, if he wants to include me, then great, but if don't bring it up, then I don't either...

It is affecting him, it is also affecting the kids, but it is not "hurting" them any more than he is.

If he never comes out of this, then they will have this version of Dad the rest of their lives, and there is nothing I can do about it except be the best Mom I can be.

Sorry to hijack your thread a little...just sharing.

Snodderly,

Thanks for posting. I have done just that, I have stopped everything even those things I used to do just because he works hard. I have done everything for him he ever needed and that is gone, I am not treated as a wife, I will not act like one.

Last night we spoke finally and he told me that he is afraid to make the wrong choice. Leaving home is the wrong choice and he's not finding it so easy to do. He asked me if he can live here, provide as usual, while I go on enjoying the family, moving forward with plans, while he works and finishes the journey he has been on exploring the dark side.

He calls it a dark side of himself, that he never wants touched by the family, that he gives to ea because she's of that character, that he has not completely finished exploring. He said he could walk away from that but he would be left with an abrubrut end to his journey, and worries he needs to see it through.

This sound like a bunch of bullsht to me but does fall in line with what you say about h needs to complete his journey, they need to come out of the tunnel completely on their own at their own pace? He's always been good at sounding like the poster MLCer and I wonder if there is something to what he says.

He says ea is a dark, ugly, damaged person that he identifies with and her friends because it is in line with his flip. But, not me, and he yells at me to not follow him into the darkness, but he doesn't want to leave the family. He has told ea and friends that he is not leaving us, and asks me to ignore him, he's not having a PA, just let him find his nothing he's looking for.

I would appreciate yours, and all readers view on this. My friend said BS GTFO, but I don't know, I held on this far two years, I'm not at the end of our journey so do I let it ride? I agreed it sound like BS, but heck, if I truly did put this in Gods hands should I interfere ?

Thanks In advance.....I feel as if I am a very crucial point, maybe the most crucial. I would like to call a coach if I can get the $$$ together, any recommendation on who is best suited for this stage and my sitch?

I'm inclined to say, wait a bit longer. He's admitted to having a dark side and he's told you what the EA is like. From the conversation that you two had, he's recognizing some of what is going on w/him. He is speaking the mlc lingo.

Do you think you can wait a little bit longer or do you feel it is absolutely necessary to boot him out? If you can hold on a bit longer, just ignore him as much as possible and continue as you have been. I honestly do not think he wants a separation and/or divorce. He is very much aware of how much the family unit means to him.

I do think he's been as honest as he can be w/you concerning how he's feeling right now. BS? I don't think so...Will he change tomorrow? With the mlcer anything is possible. The question is...do you love him enough to want to hold on a bit longer?

BRNR

Please, it's not hijacking, I welcome your post. I think if we didn't live together it would be easier, especially since we don't have little kids to share. I would love to not see or talk to him for a very long time.

Stay strong!

Best DM

Snodderly

I spent the weekend reading your thread In Tandem--MLC and Depression, it was one the best reads for me and my sitch. It also lead to some very good threads and made a chain of interesting information.

From reading what you wrote then and today I agree that I need to let it ride a bit. You ask me if I love him enough to do so, I don't like to admit if I love him because I am in self preservation mode, but I'm sure I do.

He said just this morning, he's not looking for a divorce, those words exactly. As for the family, he has no intention on loosing the family, but his L is buried and he tries to have no emotional even though I do touch him.

I read that most D happen during this time not because the MLC/WAS files but because the LBS runs out of reasons to stay married.

In God's hands...that's all I have!

Dawn,
When the mlcer is living at home and is in a very dark place, it is difficult for the lbs to understand the whys, what ifs and how tos of the situation. In working w/others that are dealing w/situations like yours, the best advice that I can give to you is to just leave him alone. He has to work through his inner turmoil and I know it's not pretty what they through.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Try to keep the focus on you. Okay?

I like the fact that you have turned it over to God and what better time to do so...then at Easter. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Snodderly! I will go back to leaving him alone, it seems the only thing I get on him about is coming home after I know he's been with ea. I am having the hardest time agreeing that he deserves to come to home after having spent time with OP. Is it jealousy, yes, it's also anger and disgust, jealousy and sadness, and more jealousy.

The jealousy comes from knowing that he is sharing his thoughts and time with op. Also, that he is exploring friendships without me and they are enjoying him as a single man, who is (was) mine and the kids. I am a single child I don't share well, and sharing the one I love is most harmful to my soul.

Getting on him about living here if he's going to continue with/ea is the only thing I have ever gotten on him about in 24yrs. The pain just flys right out of my mouth and I have told him my hatred for her, is greater than the consequences of him leaving, because it hurts when he comes home to look at his face.

I know....bad move! I have to back off the ea topic, but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't even be considering him leaving. He also just said "and yet, I haven't left you, so take that as something, even though I wont say it from my mouth, you have something of me still". OMG! I feel like I'm a teenage wondering if this guy is FOS or for real.

How do I handle it when he walks in the door and I know he spent time with ea? How cool do I play it, does he really think my silence means he's getting away with it, or does he know better? If I can get past that I can be very good with the rest of how I GAL, and treat him kindly. I have never been good with the "as if".

I'm sorry this is my last rant of questions but this is my hardest hurdle. Otherwise, I do very well at treating him with respect and leaving him be. I do want to keep trying, not ready to give up just yet!

Thank for the prayers....so important in these times and always!

Journaling:

After shopping today w/H he stops me in the kitchen saying, " I saw today that you look very healthy, you look far better than lots of people out there, your personality, politeness and posture, you just look very healthy compared to others I was seeing, I just wanted to let you know I noticed you...but it doesn't mean anything to me"

What is that in the MLC world of backwardness? Any thoughts?

Heaven forbid! One can only guess at what he's trying to say, but I'm leaning towards the fact that he's noticing you. He was comparing you to others and sees that you are far better than any person out there on the street. Then he has to back track a bit and say it doesn't mean anything to him. Well, lordy man, if it didn't mean anything to you why bring it up?

Dawn, I think he's thinking out loud. I would just file it away as some foreign mlc lingo for now.

ya know -

in retrospect- i guess take control of your home. i don't know about him- maybe snodderly's suggestion to jsut work around him is only thing to do. how could you or i do anythng else??? at least you even had the guts an dgumption to just say okay- end it . do it..... i can't even get there. still just fearful- god - whattaworm i can be sometimes. oh well huh- who i am?

i totally GET the thing about him deciding to justify himself by HAVEING TO THINK home S_cks. my h too - it's always that I have to be terrible- or else he is ? rite??? and it cannot be their fault or their awfulness - it's got to be lousy ole us.

it wears ya down. i'm trying to just plug along and function as normal- it's hard with him in my face- particularly in nj- i think he (overall - maybe) resents this house & his involvement. maybe ONLY EVER did it to fob me off with something he thought i wanted- so he could go HAVE WHAT HE WANTED? LOOSELY stated. if he's had something with this ow for the past thirty years or so (some kind of (non-consummated - he says that is) affiar back far fr long ago before she moved - then they remained "frineds" and in touch over alllllll these years - and now all of a sudden - I'M awful and she's love of his live- wtf is that supposed to be and add up to? he says one of those things-

i'm sayin oh well to that , btw - no agony- merely acknowledgement and what? acceptance of what i don't like to even know or think about but it's part of my reality and life and certainly rammed down my throat- uh hem - ???-


i say- been gong on forever- why the heck he ever bothered to have a life with me if she's sooooooooo THERE - I DO NOT KNOW. so as usual - i wonder what he's doing here in my life still- he's taken my ancient crabby mother shopping??? wtf is up with that??? the overtkindness & "saving" me from her?? guilt or what

i am trying hard to be normal and let him do whatever the heck he's doing- with no input from me- and me do whatever the heck i want to do.

it's hard i know- we're not geared for or into the whole OUR OWN LIFE THING. I'M AT MY best i think when i'm taking care of somene- that's my neurosis i guess. i always thought it was nice to care and love someone and do for them- i guess i'm wrong(at least in this case - and at least NOW).

SOOO- you and i are having to revamp our whole being - at someone else's demand. it stinks- i don't know what else we do but be who we are- continue and hope our pma and our values and belief in love and people and kindness, etc. still manages to struggle along and stay alive (tho bloodied and beaten to a pulp) - HOPING it's still got a pulse and is staying hidden but alive INSIDE US awaiting a time it can come back out into the light.

fingers crossed fo rthat- tho, even if we end up alone- it can emerge i guess - even if i have to get a darn dog to focus my affection upon- people are a hell of alot harder to love and be with (my giant famly issues at moment).

anyway- i don't know- rambling and hoping your're good today. i'm neutral- insulted as usual that he's driven me up here and can't wait to get the hell gone and back to stinking florida and his red-neck, jerry springer life down there. what a slimy side to a rather "up-rite" and nice guy. (well, used to be).

oh well- as usual i'm still biting my tongue and trying to just not say anything that offends - and listen without defending.

got here last nite- to neighbor in drive crying because her mom was going to hosp- not doing well- GOD DAWN - ALL I can say is that life is "short" and we need to enjoy today. we HAVE TO FIND A WAY and make it happen. if you found out today was your last day on earth- would you want to think you spent it in pain and as we are??? not me- i'm not successful totally- i'm trying tho. if ever i were going to be able to talk myself into something and out of something- this is going to be it. wish me luck-

who knows- EASTER - rebirth- we can pray for a bit to be re-born in us maybe - something- anything- good luck

happy easter and good friday and i'm thinking aobut you WUITE ALOT- take care of you- color eggs with your daughter- doa house project tht is pretty and creates something beautiful to see - however little or big-

hopt not too ramblie- gotta run - hear the car - eeeeeekkkk

xxoo