I agree. Just enjoy the kiss. My W messes with my head too. She will stay down stairs for hours while I get the kids to sleep. I will then go to sleep. She then comes to bed and wants to ML. Then treats me like a roommate from then on. I have no idea where she stands. But I am not going to ask either.
Grizz, I joked this week with my wife that the "sex was good" -- she must have been in good humor since she said that at least I liked that.
More seriously, I just read on another thread AS description of the cold/hot or pursuer/distancer that I get fromn my W.
My W wants a new car. I bit my tongue, but I wanted to ask her if she wanted a shiny, red sports car. Just before Christmas and before DB-ing, she wanted a Smart car, the small two-seater. Mind you, we have 3 kids. I talked her out of it. Now she wants a Toyota FJ (some type of sports utility truck). She now drives a 2008 Minivan, which we own with no loan. She's the one who wanted the minivan and spoke up its virtues. Now in the throws of her MLC, it will no longer do.
I didn't really respond to her discussion of a new car. She mentioned how her co-worker on an impulse bought a new BMW. My W cannot trade-in in the minivan because it is in my name (oddly the Civic I drive is in her name). However, I guess she could just go out and lease one, which means we'll have 3 cars for two drivers. I hope not.
Somebody posted that part of acting "as-if" and GAL is to send the message to the WAS that the LBS will not always be there.
Well my W acts as if I'm the sure thing. She had planned this Sunday spending the day with her girlfriend (and I suspect a guy that she is infactuated with was going to join them). It fell through, so she spent the day with me and the kids. My W has already made plans for next Saturday. So I made plans to take my 3 girls sailing with one of the girls friend and her friend's mother. This afternoon, I get an email from my wife about something unrelated, and she ends the email,
"If [girlfriend's name] flakes out on me again, I'll be sailing too :)"
After reading posts on this board, I don't want to be my W's plan B so I answered the main query and then added,
"there really won't be any room for more people. We can schedule another weekend for sailing."
IDK, is too rude? I want to send the message that I'm not just sitting around here waiting for her, and that she cannot take spending time with me for granted.
Is that true? That she won't fit? Is it important to you that she doesn't go. Will it break your serenity? Will it help or hurt your marriage?
Consider these questions before telling her no. Also, I'm not big on playing games. If she wants to spend time with you guys, it may seem like your plan B but that may not be the case.
What I'm trying to say is don't try reading her mind that she doesn't value the time with her family as much as with her friends.
This is also a great opportunity to show her your 180s.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I just experienced kind of the very same moment as you!
I am going to be visiting the sailing club this week after I get home from my business trip. I put the meeting on my calendar which I share with my wife. One of the things I am working on is building her trust in me, so I feel it is important that she know what I am up to.
I told her I was going to take up sailing and she said, "I want to learn how to sail, too!" I told her she was welcome to come along as well if she wanted, but I was wondering, "am I not supposed to be doing things on my own to GAL?" I don't know if she'll actually be coming with me or if she was just making a statement about something she wants to do during her lifetime.
At least your wife has said she is interested in coming along. A lot of folks here would probably love to have their spouses say what yours just said. I say if you have room and she wants to go, take her. Maybe she will enjoy the time she spends with you on the water. Plus, it will let her see you at home in your element.
Mainly, I feel that she made a big deal about telling me that she will be going out next Saturday with her girlfriend, and I'm strongly suspicious another guy will join them, which eats at me. But these friends are unreliable, and their plans might fall through. It did this past weekend.
So I am definitely Plan B because right now she is planning on being the 'single girl' with these friends.
Am I playing games? Maybe a little bit. At the heart of the matter, I don't want to seem needy and willing to accomodate her vicissitudes at the drop of a hat.
Does she value family time? Yes, I'm sure she does. The last 3 weekends we spent at least 1 day doing something. But she also values single time. She wants both.
Every case is different, and in my case I'm trying to balance GAL and creating distance while at the same time practicing the 5LL. I now realize the importance to our marriage for both myself and my W to have our separate activities/hobbies as well as shared activities/hobbies.
I have been sailing since before we were married. My wife has come with me on many occasions, but she was never really interested in it. I was always content that if I asked her, then she would come sailing with me.
This has changed. Since we moved here to CA, which I take as coinciding with her full-blown MLC, she has not gone sailing with me. She was actively avoiding doing things with me. Only in the last month has she started to do family things.
In this case, the main issue I have is that the reason I'm going sailing on Saturday is that she informed me she made plans to go out with her girlfriend. Now that her "being single" plans are falling through, she will come with us. In this case, I just feel like her back-up plans.
My W remains equivocal about the marriage, so while we are in a much better place now (she is not talking about leaving), she will still say she is not in love. I feel I have backslide a little on distancing and GAL because of how good we've been getting along. I want to avoid or at least lessen these pursuer/distancer cycles.
SA, I think you're taking the right DB approach in this case. W told you she had other plans, so you made plans that didn't involve her. Then she happily informs you that you are plan B if her primary plans fall through? That's crap. I think you were fine in telling her there's no room. It would be different if you had invited her along, but since SHE made plans then she shouldn't expect you to be obligated to fit her into your plans "just in case".
SA, I can see where you are coming from. It's not very nice being the 2nd choice. I would be hurt by that, too.
I also see that she didn't ask you if she could come along. She just assumed there would be a place for her. That's how it should be, but she's not the person to whom that reserved place has always belonged.
Maybe it will be good for her to see you are headed out there without her. The great thing is that you won't be alone. If she worries, so be it. Let her gears turn.
Was walking along the pier in San Fran this afternoon. It's been a beautiful day. Sailboats plying the waters back and forth across the bay. Do you sail out here?
