Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unsure if i'm making progress

Hi everyone,

So this is my first venture into posting so please be patient with me. I hope I can get back some feedback on my stich.

So, my H of 4 years walked out on me and my two S about a month and a half ago. He had dropped the bomb a few days after Christmas that he wasn't happy in our marriage anymore, that all I did was nag and was a generally unhappy person. I was highly stressed out at the time (I work as a cop, mother of a 1 yr old and 3 yr old, and only parent that gives undivided attention and cleanup at home) and couldn't understand why he couldn't see that I am/was happy just stressed.

I of course panicked and did everything you should NOT DO if you want to save your relationship. I begged, cried, kicked, screamed, insulted him...you name it. I am highly ashamed of it. He told me shortly thereafter that he couldn't be in a relationship with me any longer and had one foot in the door and one foot out. I panicked even more and forced him to make a decision. He chose to leave. He got himself an extremely expensive apartment about 5 minutes from our house and I recently saw a bank statement of his and saw that he spent about 12K to fully furnish it. There isn't another woman that i can tell...at least not yet.

So since this event, we have been going to couples counseling at his insistence. Only problem is that he went from "we need a break" to "I want a divorce". I have been employing all of the DBing tactics to get him back. The positive signs are that he keeps in communication with me still, says that he wants to build a strong friendship with me, still says that he is hurting and cry's opening in our therapy, and texts me randomly throughout the week to see how my day is going. But, nonetheless, he says that he does not want to be married to me any longer and he is not going to change his mind.

Part that hurts the most is that he acknowledges that I have changed, but says that its too late. He says it is a slap in the face that i have done this AFTER he has left, and not when i was still with him. Also, he has said that I am the perfect woman and he couldn't have chosen a better mother for his children, and if he couldn't make it work with me, he probably couldn't make it work with anyone else.

So my question is should i continue the path that i am on...I feel like he keeps says no and i keep saying yes. It is so exhausting! i am trying to stay upbeat and confident and say positive affirmations everyday...but I feel so emotionally beat down right now.

Any insight or advice would be most appreciated. Thanks for reading

Dear Hopeful,
When he says that your changes are too late, take it with a grain of salt. You have 2 little ones and every reason to be sure you don't leave any stone unturned. If you are using DB techniques that is great, but working with a DB coach that can help you come with a very specific plan for your situation can make all the difference in the world. He is giving you mixed messages and you need to know the best way to react and interact with him. It sounds like he is going full steam ahead, and the time for you to do something different is now. Take care and I would look forward to talking to you.

This is the same thing I have heard...I told H that he finally said it in a way to me that I heard it...if I had heard him before I would have changed too...

I am not saying this was the right way to handle it...just what I said.

Sorry you have found yourself here, but there are somgood supports and don't beat yourself upo for mistakes early on

Hope,

You have a lot of positives in your post.

He told you "you are perfect". Read up on DR. Sounds like he is still conflicted, in pain, and still following his script. Do not worry about what he says. Just validate and move on. Keep making your changes that will make you the type of person that he would never want to walk away from.

But make sure your changes will stick and you are not just doing them to win him back or it will backfire.

Thanks Karen,

I have had 3 sessions with Amanda so far. She has been amazing and is giving me great advice on what to do in this. This week I continued to employ positive changes and redecorated the house. He was so pleased when he saw the house. He said once again that he wished I had done that when he was still living there. He said he was proud of me.

However, we went to therapy today and he is still saying he wants to move forward with making our separation legal. I agreed but he saw that it pained me. He started to cry and then said "we dont have to do it now though". After our session he then gave me a long, deep hug and whispered in my ear "I will always love you....for the rest of my life".

It feels like we take 1 step forward, but then 2 steps back.

Thanks Sam.
Today we went to therapy and he is still wanting to move forward with making our separation/divorce legal. Shortly thereafter he hugs me, openly cries and tells our therapist and me that he still loves me, reaches over and gently fixes my hair, and then tells me if its ok for his family to still contact me and invite me over to hang out with them. He wants to be so dead set with not coming back, but all his actions shows that he still wants me. I am beyond confused.

However, I am taking stock and will continue forward with my progress. I am most def doing this for myself too. I feels good to do all of these things....I feel like a better me.

Thanks for the support

Thanks for the kind words Findingself

I hope things work out for you too. I see you have a little one, which makes this ordeal 100x harder. Keep working on yourself and stay positive...its the best thing for us

Update: for those just catching up...

Went to therapy yesterday. He is noticing some of the positive changes i am making (our home is redecorated and less cluttered, i'm GAL, i seem happy and unstressed, i'm being lovingly affectionate, not applying any pressure to get back, not arguing and creating conflict over small issues).

He still says though "I don't see us getting back together...I think its time we start moving forward and make this separation legal and put down on paper what we will be paying for". I was shocked. I literally could not respond. The therapist looked at me and said what do you think, and i said quietly and demurly "I don't understand what the rush is...I am not putting any pressure for him to give me money. What is wrong with the status quo? I have heard of gunshot weddings, but this feels like a gun shot divorce". I then looked him in the eyes and said, "ok, if that is what you want, then we can do that". His eyes then filled up with tears and he said with pain in his voice, "We don't have to do it now...we cant wait till its less painful".

H then looked at the therapist and said, "this is the hardest thing I have ever done, mostly becuase we still love each other". Therapist said he understood and that my h and I are being so uncommonly civil and loving about this separation; if all couples were like us we would be putting divorce lawyers out of business.H and I just laughed and then he said, "my family still would like to talk with you and have you come over with the kids. They love you and miss you". I said, "I would love that, I love and miss them too".

We scheduled to come back to therapy in a week. H walked me out to my car and then suddenly turned to me and asked me for a hug. I said of course. he gave me a long (more that a minute) deep hug and whispered while crying in my ear "I will always love you...for the rest of my life". I said "I love you too". He then said, "please don't tell me about guys hitting on you. ever. I can take it". I said I won't ever.

That is how we parted. I feel his resolve weakening, but he is still so dead set on a divorce.

So frustrated!! But, gotta say...I have never loved this man more. Just hope he can give me a second chance. I feel like this is all fear and he is so scared to just try again.

Take him seriously. Do not try to explain this away (IE, I was stressed at work, I was busy, why doesn't he understand, etc.) If he brings it up again tell him you understand why he was unhappy and that you are committed to changing yourself. And then DO IT! Be happy ALL THE TIME. Don't ever nag! Do these 180's and do them consistently, and plan on doing them for a long time (forever really).



I'm glad you know these things were wrong. Don't do them again



That's usually what happens when the LBS forces an ultimatum. But it's done, so don't sweat it now.



Don't do it for him, you need to let go of ALL your expectations. Do it for yourself. Work on yourself, make yourself a strong, happy, beautiful person. A wife only a fool would leave. That's how DB'ing works- indirectly. Work on yourself and hopefully that will attract your spouse back.



All good things. Just accept them and drop your expectations about what it means.



Typical WAS script. Don't worry about it.



That's GREAT!!! That says you're doing the right things, keep it up!



My W said much the same. She was actually angry that I changed so much, her attitude was "if it was so easy, why didn't you do it before now?" My response was "I would have had I known the importance of it." Don't worry about this, this is why we say it's a marathon and not a sprint. It took my W months to get over her anger about my changes and accept that they were a benefit to our R (whether we stay married or not).



Excellent, you have a big head start on most here! Seriously, you're in a better position than you realize! Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing!



Then quit disagreeing with him! If he says he sees no hope, then nod and say you understand why he feels that way. You're not agreeing or disagreeing, just validating him.



You need to give your H time, but you also need time for yourself. Time will heal you emotionally. Hang in there, you're doing great

I am glad that you are talking to Amanda...it sounds like alot of good things are happening...but don't despair when there is a blip in the road,it is a process and you are in good hands:)