Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

Well my sitch isn't in a place where I'm able to offer advice but from my experience every time we sit down to talk through things with the WAW spouse all the negative bile does come up.

In my opinion it's script and just a way to further their justification. The emotional barriers go up and there's no way of getting past them.

Hi Intact,

It seems a PMA and positive actions, especially for the kids, might be key here? Her saying she wanted to be paid out and using the D word just made it more painfully concrete.

Yes, I will take some as script and reaction and not push it.

Luke

Now W is setting seeds -

I think going to EE or something similar to improve me is now very important.

and GAL.

Luke

I agree Luke and in fact it's getting easier and easier for me to have a PMA. The truth is this whole situation has really damaged my wife's relationship with our son. I'm not going to let that happen to my relationship with him.

I still want to reconcile, but if all fails, whilst still taking responsibility for my share of the problems, I know I can walk away from our marriage with dignity and class. That means a lot too me and will mean a lot to our son in the future. I'm sure of it.

And now she is nice to me, showing me a Bruno Ganz Hitler parody of buying an Ipad. Does this make sense?

Yes it does because for her nothing has changed. Divorce has been in her mind for a while and she's been taking steps toward it and making plans. So she'll be companionable sometimes and rude others just like always.

Even though you were afraid of making things worse by saying what you want, you didn't. They already were that bad. This is the time to be working on you, showing her a different LuckyLuke, one that any woman would want to be married to. You've GOT to get over your fears because they are NOT protecting you.

You are at DB square one right now. Focus on you, and learn where your backbone is and how to get past your fears. EE would probably be life-changing for you. A counselor who actually help you with this stuff also would be good. This is the time to grow out of your old bad habits.

Wife still believing that facade must be renovated to sell (increase the curb appeal). This would be forestalled if I buy her out. By doing the facade in two stages, over two years, then you can take two years of tax breaks, reducing the total cost by 1/3.

W wants me to find out from a realtor friend if he thinks you make more in the selling price than you pay for the facade renovation.

My not wanting to pay for the facade is still being nibbled at - .

L

So what does one do with all the pain and loss and memories that occasionally surface? The thought of our family being torn asunder, no longer all living in the house here, the kids coming home, the sounds they make upstairs, their positive energy, gone, time grinding it all to nothing, this beloved house with all of its nooks and crannies, made for us, rips my heart out, knocks the breath out of me, death.

Do you hide this? Can it be transmuted?

It would be so strange to live here alone in this big box, W gone, D probably going to school and staying in Stockholm, echoing memories. It was bad enough bringing son to the UK, where he now studies, letting my flesh and blood beloved boy go. I sleep in his room just now, with his things, his spirit in them.

Why is life repeated losses? How on earth does one keep a PMA?

I am so humbled by and grateful for all you have given me - all of you -

Luke

Im having one of "those" days today too Luke.. ((HUGS))

Hi WfM,

Hugs back - wish we could tell each other stories or keep each other company or just occasionally give a friendly wave -

Luke