Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

You're dancing! TELL HER DIRECTLY that you don't WANT to spend the money on house renovation -- affordability has nothing to do with it, you don't *WANT* to do it!

Then, tell her you don't WANT to sell the house, and plan on staying.

Then, tell her you don't WANT to sleep downstairs, and will be sleeping upstairs in your bed.

Don't make it about some other excuse to justify any of it. Just make it about you -- your desires are valid and deserve to be given voice and considered. Nothing more is required than what YOU want. WRT the loan, the first step must be deciding if YOU want to do it. Only then should you do research on affordability -- that's step two. I think you went to the bank hoping you wouldn't be able to afford it so you could make that the reason not to do it instead of the simple fact that you don't want to.

Luke, 3 simple sentences can change your life right now, will you speak them?


-- I don't want to remodel the house

-- I don't want to sell the house and will continue living here

-- I'm sleeping upstairs when the kids are home

Three sentences is your ticket to freedom, and uttering them will not make ANYTHING worse than it is right now.

Can you afford to put it off another day?

How does joint ownership of a house work? What are the possible consequences of my not wanting to sell?

I am afraid she can just pull the plug on my staying here.

L

Hi luke. As you know, my W has bought a new place, as I didnt want to move. I told her that it was her decision to D so why should i leave my home? We we co-owners of our house. As co owner, im pretty certain that she cannot force you to leave. The co owner who wishes to stay must buy out the other co owner. We had an agent ( or 2 or 3) who put a value on our house, then W and I agreed on a value, based on those estimations. Counting in the debt we had on the house, 'profit tax' ( typical sweden!! Tax paid on the profit made from 'selling'), we arrived at a price.

I have just gone through all this, and finalised todaywith the bank. As soon as i ppay up, i am the sole owner of the property ( well, the bank is!!)

Thats basically it. Hope this answered your question. Can give you more on how it works over here if you need it....

Hi Occy01,

Whew, that would be a bunch of money for me then. We have paid off maybe 80% of the value. Maybe that is an argument to not renovate?

Luke

So say the house is 3 million crowns, and we owe the bank say 1 million, how does that work out?

This is what I was afraid of, that her half would be worth too much for me to pay.

Thanks again -

Luke

The renovation would require a loan of 500 TSKr, which at today's interest rates costs 1500 SKr per month if you do not amortize.

Does doing the renovation then finally cost me more? I can't see through the math. It would increase the value of the house.

I hate to have a discussion with her predicated on her selling, D and leaving me.

My ideal vision is that she keeps her interest in the house, but I pay for the mortgage 100%. I expect the value to still rise (it is well located). She gets the value when I finally sell, minus whatever she would have paid for the mortgage.

I hate to have such a final discussion tomorrow already.

Luke

She also has not planted any seeds yet, and it is getting time, so maybe that is a sign also.

If we D, then my staying with my MIL when in the States becomes maybe a problem. I adore the kids, but son lives mostly in the UK now (school) and D may be going to school in Stockholm. I work for a US company, so where to live if this really all falls apart?

Suppressed panic feelings -

Does it have to be concrete how the future will be during the discussion tomorrow?

My BIL and nephew (my sister's side) are coming in July - how ironic to have to move just when they are here.

I can feel anger and resentment if I think about having to leave the house.

Luke

So I guess the 64000$ question is whether renovating makes buying her out more expensive. I think it does.

On the other hand, maybe I cannot afford to buy her out in any case, so we might as well make the place as attractive as it can be (the facade is the last large thing that needs fixing).

Does this need to be discussed tomorrow? Might not getting the facade renovated make her more want to stay here? If she doesn't need buying out, I can afford to pay the extra mortgage.

Luke

Luke, I’m not sure how the subject changed from discussing the R to buying out your house, but you are asking us questions you should be asking your banker & lawyer. The bottom line here is that you have to face her anger, in whatever you decide. This is the issue you began your thread, and it's still the issue today.

It seems very clear that you were traumatized by your father's anger. I'm sure it is difficult for a child to overcome. He bullied his employees through anger & criticism. He probably ran his family much like he did his employees. Employees took it in order to keep a job. But it was their choice to stay and work for him. You didn't have much choice as a child growing up under him, but you are an adult now....with choices. Your W is not your father. You are not under her authority like you were your parent's.

I asked you once what was the worse she did when she was mad, and you said she yelled at you. Besides having flashbacks of your dad, why does that send you running like a scared little rabbit? She yells, so what? It's unpleasant, but it won't kill you. I believe you feel rejected whenever she's not pleased with any thought you have...or any action you do. That's why her criticism paralyzes you.

She bullies you b/c you let her. She can control you b/c she knows you will avoid any unpleasant scenes at all costs. Sadly, it has cost your M. It doesn’t have to cost you your manhood, too. Take your b@lls back from your W.

You feel that you must have a very logical and justifiable case to present before you will even attempt to discuss any subject with her. Forget logic and justification! Do what you want. You don't have to explain anything to her or anybody else! You are a grown man!

You have been a prisoner to this type of rejection & fear your entire life. It's time to break free and start living.

sandi2 - I hope it has not cost (in the final, past tense) my M, yet.

Luke