Thought it would just happen in a city court. No need for either of us to be there.
But L rang me at last moment to say someone needed to lodge my response to stbx's application (he had a number of incorrect details in it, like date of separation - a full 12 months before BD - and he claimed that he'd been paying me a regular sum of money for CS).
L said either him or me, so to save money, I said I'd do it.
Now I've got to front up at the D hearing. I can get through it... but i had sort of set my mind on it at least being done out of sight, as it were.
Now I've got to go and hear the final pronouncement. More daggers to my heart. It's almost stone, but not yet completely immune to pain.
In the meantime, got a call from the finance co that stbx leases our car from. He has defaulted on monthly payment and they are chasing me as guarantor. JOY.
Last week, I got a call from debt collectors saying he had defaulted on a payment arrangement for another debt to do with repairs to our cars.
And S14's school sent a letter showing that stbx still owes around $15K in fees.
Interesting timing, as the legal fees are just about to start for him.
I'm sorry, NLW, to hear about all of this. You are completely justified in having an Eeyore moment and hope it all goes as well as possible tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and send you much courage.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Surprisingly stbx turned up too, although he had a L representing him and had indicated on his application that he wasn't attending.
I was sitting there for about 15mins listening to all the other couples having their D's rubber-stamped and feeling like total sh_t. I hadn't realised it was all done in such a public manner.
Then in stbx walked (late as usual) and sat one seat away from me to the side - while his L went to the opposite side of the room.
Long story short, Judge said she wasn't convinced that appropriate arrangements had been made for our children. STBX admitted that he had stopped all CS payments because he had been advised he was "paying far more than he had to".
J asked me what I wanted to do - allow the D to go ahead, and she could register her concern about child support on a note on the approved application, OR I could ask for an adjournment, so that something could be worked out about CS payments.
I didn't know what to do, so hesitated. STBX stood up again and said if this was the only problem in slowing things down, he'd agree to reinstate CS payment. Judge advised me that she had no power to enforce this and suggested I might be better off with an adjournment.
So, I said adjourn (back in court in just over a month and not D-ed).
STBX just about exploded.
As we walked out he hissed at me "That was APPALLING", and strode away.
As I thought, the court process is going to make things between us almost impossible.
Any advice/comments? He's going to see that as me just trying to stop the D from happening. I truly didn't go there with any thought of stopping the inevitable, but surely if the J expressed concern about arrangements for the kids, I needed to do what I did????
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
My Lawyer told me it would be a walk-in/walk-out rubber stamper.
The key condition of 12-month's separation had not been under dispute, so L just told me that I could go in and lodge my response to stbx's D application and it would all just go through automatically. No need for him to be there (and indeed no-one else had a L present, apart from stbx).
I think we got a judge who was a stickler. She read everyone's documents in full while they sat there and then went through a spiel where she finished with
"and as there are arrangements in place for the children's ongoing support, I can grant the application for D immediately".
But not for us. I'd made a response to the claims made by STBX in his application, due to their inaccuracies. One such inaccuracy was that he was making "regular" CS payments as part of a "private arrangement" that we had made.
When the judge questioned whether he was, he stood up and admitted that he wasn't, and then things went pear-shaped and she asked me how i wanted to proceed.
I know I had to stand up for myself and the kids, but now stbx is reinforced in his belief that I am an obstructionist, stubborn, win-at-all-costs harpy who is hell-bent on teaching him a lesson. He was SPITTING.
but now stbx is reinforced in his belief that I am an obstructionist, stubborn, win-at-all-costs harpy who is hell-bent on teaching him a lesson. He was SPITTING.
So?
Just because he believes that doesn't make it true! You did what you needed to do. When we do what's right, others who may be affected aren't always happy.
That would be their problem.
NLW, I hope at the end of all this you can come to a place where you no longer feel responsible for the feelings of others.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
For your own sake, beware that the longer this gets drawn out, the less generous STBX is likely to become. Assuming STBX is offering more than what the state will clearly require, it is in your best interest to accept a better deal sooner than a worse deal later.
Obviously the judge sees through your H and his "intentions". God intervened in that courtroom. Don't think for a moment that God was not there with you!!!! Just sit tight and let H spin. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!! He is just angry that things are not going his way and he is mad. He is making a fool of himself.
As far as accepting a deal sooner than later, no deal your H makes will be in your best interest. I have gotten three deals from my H that he thinks "are in my best interest". Bull. They only suit his purposes, not mine nor the kids. The court will make sure you and the kids are taken care of.
You stick to your guns. You and I need to watch out for our kids. No one else will. So what if he is mad? If he wasn't mad about this, he would be mad about something else.
Hang in there! WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
NLW- I agree stay your course. You are protecting your children and yourself. It does not matter what H feels right now.
The judge could see through it all and you seem to have been advised wisely. Have you contacted your L since? What was L response to this?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
