Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

I am so angry, alone, and so hurt. As I said, I can't take much more of this. H was still the bitter little boy this morning. Things are reverting to how they were in the beginning, and in just a short matter of time (a few days). I can't go through this phase again. We don't talk about us, like everything is fine. It is not fine. My kids are hurt, I am hurt because of them, and then pile on more hurt for myself. He does not care about anything...only himself. I am tired, worn out, and very lonely, and angry. I saw him this morning and wanted to punch him in the face. I have also been contemplating packing up the house and kids, and moving. I can't stand to look at him anymore. If I could run away and hide, I think that will give me time to get over H. He seems so thrilled with himself and his new life. I don't believe for a second that our WA spouses feel any kind of pain, remorse, or guilt. Why should they? They are getting everything they want, no matter who they kick in the gut and hurt.

I know others have it worse off than me...some live with these crazy people, and some have put in more time than I have. Mentally, I am ready to give up. Emotionally, I don't think I am, but now I am praying to God to get me there. I need a partner, not some A*&hole who is just so smug and happy with himself. I need a real man, not this little kid who just wants to go out, party, and have a good time.

So here I am, back to the beginning I feel, and ready to write him a letter that just gives him the other side of the coin and how I feel and what I need and want. I don't care if it drives him away for good, maybe he will leave us all alone so we can move on. I know many of you don't think the letter idea is good, neither do I, but how can we let them know anything if we don't talk about anything.

Words of encouragement, advice, or even a kick in the butt and a slap in the face are welcomed. I feel I need to end this sham now, and not live through this torurous nightmare another day...

Okay...I hear you! Now, get a grip and breathe! You are a wonderful person and let me tell you, you are stonger than you think. You have to detach and you have to learn to keep your expectations at zero at all times. You can have hope, but you need to let him go, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Yes, he is one selfish, self-absorbed sob right now and that's exactly what the crisis is about...HIM! Right now, he is in another world and you have to be the strong one for you and your family. You were an individual long before you married him and you should want him, not need him in your life. He is only a small portion of what makes you happy and whole. Your world is wide open to you and it's waiting for you to embrace it in many ways. Trust me, running away will not solve your problems. Just take a look at your h...he's running away as fast and hard as he can and you know what? He's running in circles like a hamster on a wheel. Self-medicating w/whatever he finds makes things better for a very short period of time and then the emotional pain returns. BRNR, you on the other hand, are facing the problems in your life head on and taking the pain and wearing it as a coat. In other words, you are working through the pain each and every day, every minute, every hour. Feel the pain and then let it go. You will get through this, but you've got to let him go.

Write the letter and then bury it. Letters, especially lengthy ones, will not reach him right now. Actions speak louder than words. Pouring your heart and soul out in a letter will not bring him back to reality. He's in replay and while in replay, it's all about him and only him. Yes, he does pop out every once in a while, but it's not enough to wake him up.

Yes, he's angry because you are not allowing him to have what he wants. Many of the mlcers play nice until "mommy or daddy" set boundaries or tell them that they aren't going to play their game of giving them everything that they want or demand. When mlcers hit that boundary, they are like 2 yr olds and get angry, stomp, spew, ignore, etc. What do you do? Ignore their behavior and go on w/your life. Do not engage in their little games. If you don't engage, their little temper tantrums will burn out, but it takes time.

I know you and your children are hurt, but there's nothing that will bring him back home right now and trust me, you don't want him home while he's in the shape he's in. All you can do is protect your children, be there to listen and offer a safe place for them to land and talk.

Do not react in a knee jerk fashion when you are hurt or angry. Decisions made while hurt or angry do not bode well. I have noticed that when things are going smoothly, you are okay, and then when you hit that mlc wall, you are ready to give up....this is the coaster and that's why it's important that you detach from his drama. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions and you need to get off that coaster. We all have gone through it and know exactly what is happening to you. Think about setting additional boundaries and stick to them. Go dim w/him for a while and see if that helps you stabilize.

You are the only one who can make the decision as to whether you want to stand for your marriage. Mlc is not for the faint of heart and it's one heck of a destructive horror show.

BRNR, I don't have time at the moment to answer this but will have later today. I'll think about it and expand.

Meanwhile, hold on today and I would delay dumping your feelings on him. You can hold off a little bit, right?

I'll start keeping up more on your thread and do know how many here are thinking of you and wishing strength and courage for you today!

Hugs,
rH

Hi BRNR!

I'm going to try to explain with an analogy, and although it seems kinda corny, maybe it'll make sense.

Last year, I had asked Chuck, my DB coach if he thought buying new bed linens would make our MBR more attractive to H (sounds so silly now, huh?). He said no, that most MLCers would see that as pursuing. So I didn't, of course.

But, I thought this spring, I could get a new shower curtain and towels. We've always bought really nice (and pricey) towels at Lands End. But I saw some at Target (I love Target but these bath towels were under $6 a piece). And a really cute, modern shower curtain.

I think I got shower curtain, and full set of towels, with extra washcloths, etc. for under $50. So I texted shower curtain pics to H and he says to get whatever I want, of course.

So I come home delighted with my purchases and said "why should we buy expensive towels when cheap ones will do?". He agreed to try these.

I put them in the dryer after washing and they made a tiny heap. Then when we used them they come off in lots of little pills on your body after drying.

He walked in the bathroom and when he came out:

Me: (excited) did you like it?

H: like what?

Me: the new shower curtain

H: what new shower curtain?

Lol!

After using the new towels....I decided the expensive ones are much better.

The point is...I never stopped wanting or loving the expensive ones...just wanted to try a cheaper version, knowing it was cheaper.

In the MLC analogy...could we look at the high price as loss of freedom, emotional ties, etc.? All along, the spouse who is discontented is looking somewhere else to satisfy the same needs that the LBS can satisfy. But they think that they can "make do" with a cheaper imitation and not have to pay the price of full commitment in a M to the LBS.

At least that's how I see it.

When H & I were talking in MC last week, H said that he looked (and I believe they all do, but we may not want to know the details of that "looking") and didn't find any OW that had the qualities that he sees in me. So I retained the status of being the more valuable version and he isn't willing to settle for a cheaper imitation.

That's why it was so perplexing that last year he could say that he always felt the same way about me (we still loved the high quality towels) even though he was looking somewhere else to satisfy (somewhere he didn't have to pay the commitment price).

It takes so much time, and I thought the quote from Cadet at the beginning of each sitch (time is a gift...use it wisely) was a joke. But I sure don't think that now.

Hope this helps.

Hang on.
More hugs,
rH

Oh, and please no offense to any one who buys the cheaper towels. Didn't mean that at all...just trying to show a contrast was all

rH,
A very good analogy. As I always say, the lbs is the prize. No one can compare to the spouse that is left behind. Why? Because we are the real deal who have been there through thick and thin w/the mlcer.

Keep mind, that when mlcers go seeking a new "love" it is lust, not true and endearing love at all. It is an infatuation or fantasy and eventually that lust/infatuation will fade and they will begin the everyday living once again. Generally the op is needy or in mlc themselves. They will go along w/the mlcer because they want to have the fun times and enjoy spending the money while the mlcer is blinded by his ego and lust. Always remember, the op can't hold a candle to the person that you are. You are the prize and no matter how hard the mlcer tries to stuff the memories and love for us down into their soul, those things will creep to the surface periodically to remind him/her what they once had and can still have someday, if it's not too late.

My W, who might be coming out of the tunnel, has told me that all along, she felt guilt, pain, remorse, etc, but would hide from it in her "activities", but that it always came back around to haunt her...If your H is in the throes of replay, he will not show any of those things, ESPECIALLY to you...but trust that they are there, just band-aided by his activities...

Read what Snodderly and rH wrote to you several times, take some deep breathes and get busy with something...

Hang in there!!

T^2

rH, you are awesome... I love that analogy!!!

I also remember reading (I think it was on another site) about the analogy of LBS/OP using food.

The LBS is like a steak dinner - more expensive, but also of higher quality.

The OP is like fast food - cheap and easy.

One is certainly more satisfying than the other, don't you think?

Snodderly, I actually needed to hear your advice today, so thank you. I'm having a hard time with (and I know I'm mind reading here) the belief of my H that the OW has been there for him during this difficult time in his life. Gag.

T- you da man - being able to shed some light on what is going on in the MLC mind is huge. For some reason, it does comfort me to think that my H is feeling guilt and remorse. Maybe that's wrong of me, but it's true.

Don't band-aids eventually become dirty and shabby and fall off?

Just saying

Hang in there B!

I think we have all had that feeling at one point or another in this trip. I know I have at several points. Know what? I am very glad I did not. I'm glad I faced this and stayed standing longer than I thought I could or would. Did it work out how I thought I wanted it to? No. Is it better than I thought it would be? Oh heck yeah! I don't recommend running away, as tempting as that can be.

This one made me smile. Not because I'm laughing at either of you, but because I remember that feeling clearly. I've even said those words (very similar anyway). It's good to identify the needs you have. It is. But it's also good to recognize the hurt in those words and the lashing out that it seems to be. Frustration. Pain. A plan to take back control. Identification of your needs that are not being met. That's what that meant to me when I said those things. Is that similar to how you felt when you wrote that?

And later many will figure out it was just what they wanted "at that moment" but not what they "wanted". I think that fits in with the other posts in this thread and correlates with what others have also seen.

Do they feel guilt or remorse? It's been my experience they feel it, but don't want you to see it. They want you to see how "happy" they are without you. They want to downplay the guilt they feel, especially around you. They will, in my experience, go around telling anyone that will listen how happy they are. It was just the other day, my ex tells me, (when she didn't get what she wanted) how much happier and successful she and my daughter are without my influence. I laughed. I haven't had any influence with my ex since early 08 when she "cracked". What stood out was how out of place that comment was in the business conversation. It reminded me of the guilt and pain I saw on her face when she was leaving and struggling to put two coherent sentences together. And I felt sad at her pain that still seems to be there.

Just for a moment, but I have noticed how much she has been trying to get my attention since the beginning of the year. I have noticed it seems painful for her. I try not to let that interfere with my life and I wish her well, but don't fool yourself into thinking that they are living the life of Riley. They are "searching" for that ever elusive "high" of "happiness" that they walked away from and tried to destroy. That's part of their journey and seems to happen to a lot of MLCr's. Before I could detach, it was painful to me as well. Now it's more like watching a television show of somebody else's life.

You have a MLCr that seems to be trying harder sooner than many. Don't give up hope, but remember it is a very long process. Detaching is something you'll have to do now or later, but I highly recommend doing so now. Get off that roller coaster.

Peace,
AJ

P.S. I love the analogy of the towels. Very good.

I don't 100% know the intentions behind these words when I wrote them. Is it my feelings...yes. Is it my expression of hurt, frustration, and pain...yes. Identification of my needs that are not being met...yes.

BUT, these are still needs that my H was always able to provide and who I still want to provide them, even though in my rational brain of mine, I know he cannot.



Please expand on this thought...it sounds to me as you are saying they are looking for boundaries. and in many ways I can possibly see this, and in many ways I can't. Just the other day, my S14 said he likes being with me over Dad, as Dad doesn't give them structure and is too easy...



I do see this, and see and feel that he loves me of some sorts, but doesn't want to admit it or express it. For me it is not enough and the pain hasn't subsided nor has he acknowledged it, which I guess in turn makes it hard for me at least to detach. I see the love he has for me, and I feel the pain I have for him.

I hate (I know strong word) knowing that my marriage is dead. I hate knowing that what we had was so wonderful that many acknowledged it as such and it is gone. I hate feeling like I will never have that again (although this is my feelings now and know that I probably will have it, just not for some time). I hate seeing the pain in my children's eyes. I hate feeling the pain in my own heart.

To love someone so unconditionally that it consumes you to no end...this is how I feel. Just because the rug was pulled out, doesn't mean it can't neatly be placed back under. This is what I am feeling.

I guess my own emotions have been buried for some time...because they were otherwise spent on other things, including H. I love him, and wouldn't trade him for anything, even now.

On the pain, remorse, and guilt...not to sound callous, but I really do hope he feels this way. He should, he has caused others to feel it, why shouldn't he...and I guess, in my mind, if I can believe he does feel it, than I can act more as-if, and know that he has done this to himself and it is nothing I have done to him. And he will have to feel it everyday, possibly for the rest of his life...

Detaching is a strong thing to do. I guess I haven't been strong enough to do this. It is high time I start trying...where to start??? I will have to put my energy into something...maybe focus my time and energy into all those cosmetic household things we (yes H & I) planned to do this spring to the house. Painting, gardening, cleaning out the basement, etc...

I also think that if I can "replace" every mean thing he says and does with something nice that would help me. Maybe I will pull out an old card or letter with his loving words every time it happens just to remind me he is not this man...that my man is dead and would have never said or done the things he is doing. I don't know, silly I know, but sounds good to me. I need to hear that I matter to someone, and he used to think that I was his world. I need to be reminded of those feelings...it made me feel really good.

Thank you all...I didn't do the letter, didn't even know where to start, but I know that the letter wouldn't have mattered much anyway. Guess I was having one of those low, low, low moments...despite not living with H, I can't get away from him because of the kids, but I can go dim again so I am not exposed to his shenanigans. I need to not worry that this will hurt him, or hurt any sorts of reconciliation should there be one. If he wants me, he will need to put out a lot more than the occasional text that says good morning...besides, I think this was his way to keep me tied to him a little and make him feel like he wasn't Sh*&ing on me...the reality is, he is, and has, and I think I need not to forget that...