Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife said she was done!

Maritimer, just caught up on your situation. Sorry that you are here but sounds like you are getting some great advice from some of the vets and have made great progress on your GALs/180s.

Thanks again for commenting on my thread also. Thoughts and prayers are with you...... Keep up the good work!

That's well and good - and in many ways, I have similar suspicions of my W as well if/when she goes out on her own. I tend to avoid even thinking about it or commenting about it since all it does is bring negativity to the surface.




Keep the mirror focused on you - as time goes on, you'll find more that can be changed or tweaked. You've got a good start in a few areas; it's important to not lose focus on your goal(s) - a better you!

You mentioned that you were "always there for her" or something like that. But in your first post here, you wrote:

I got the hint in September when she said her feeling were numb and she was blaming it on the anti depression meds. She wasnt very fun to be around so i spent most of my free time in the shed drinking beer and doing things around the house. Our communication drifted then in Dec she said she was done. Boom reality check for me so I stopped drinking, the pot, went to AA, started a diet and became more engaged with the kids.

To me this^^^ reads like someone who had an awakening that they had checked out of their family/marriage and now wanted back in.

Could SHE argue that You withdrew when she was neediest, and went to the shed to drink some beer..."communication drifted"...downward I assume?

And since you went on a diet, may I assume you got complacent about your appearance before this? Hey I'm not hitting you w/a 2 x4 ---We all do to an extent but it is symbolic, isn't it?

if you can, don't focus at all on the possible A with OM. Stay focussed on YOU. It's a rare OM who will take on a woman with 2 kids including one with a learning disability...

don't even go there...back to YOU!

So how are things with you, NOW??

SemperFi00 – Thanks for dropping by! I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

Bblake1968 – doing my best to eliminate the negativity but I really do want what’s best for my wife and kids. She was never the greatest with money so my concerns are genuine. I agree that there are always room for improvement and am consistently reflecting on what I can do better. I am working on forgiveness and not to be so angry inside due to her choosing to leave the marriage.

25yearsmlc – So honored you took time to read my thread. We all respect your honest views looking from the outside.

There was no doubt I chose substance abuse to cope with my struggles as a new parent and the feeling of not getting enough attention from my wife. She had expressed her concerns in a way that pushed me further from her requests. I should have took action earlier but I haven’t and I take full responsibility for that.

It was the last few months before the BD that I had drifted away from her, due to her approach and the consistent “you’re doing it wrong” when I did attempt to help. She made me feel that I was more in the way by helping incorrectly and I thought “well she is a mom, she knows best”.

The BD was an awakening and I now know better. I am a much improved engaged father than I was a few months ago. I should thank her for that.

We both got complacent about our appearance, we both gained weight but I never lost my attraction to her, she told me she did. I weigh less now than I did when we got married. A big 180 change their!

I feel really good about myself now. Being sober, losing weight, self-help books, reading the DR, this forum, being more active, a PMA & DB’ing has certainly helped my confidence and self-esteem. I hope she can feel the positive energy I am bringing to the family. I will continue all of these life changes even if she chooses to continue with the separation/divorce. I need to be there 100% mentally and physically for my 2 wonderful boys and become the best father I can be to them.

It was my youngest 1st birthday and we had a PJ party. Everyone had lots of fun including the wife and when the last guest left she became cold again. Why the fluctuation in behavior, I mean it takes effort to go out of you way to change attitudes that quick. Sometimes I can see the old wife I fell in love with , then bam, someone who is not very nice to me at all.

Her separation enabler friend brought over a real estate sheet of a home for sale next to where she lives and place on my bed. I never let her see that I was upset but I just had to go to a buddys house to vent and gain perspective. Guess I still have a ways to detach. Still trying my hardest to be happy and supportive of the move when I don’t want it to happen. This PMA is challenging when all you want is for your family to be together again.

Still continuing with my 180’s for myself and the boys, wishful thinking that she notices and would want to work it out again.. I guess that is expectations. Need to work on that.

Time, patients, consistency of 180’s and a PMA!

You are correct that PMA is so hard to do when you are hurting so much. Fake it till you make it, I guess. I have a really hard time with PMA when I am around my wife. Just keep trying.

My W also changes her attitude fairly quickly. There is a recent post/reply on my thread about this that I think helps explain it. Head over there to read it. Take care and I hope things turn around for you.

I have been thinking about getting my check deposited in to my own bank account.

Would that rock the boat? We seem to get along well as a family unit so I am nervous that this will drive her further away. I will still pay for half the bills, mortgage, day care, and other expenses. When we first discussed splitting the assets she will be taking the van with the payments and I have my old paid for Accord. That was 3 months ago. We still live together so would it be fair to separate our expenses now?

Curious on what others in this same situation would do. We both make about the same money.

I'm sure 25 would have a much better response from the legal aspect, but, I believe income is considered community property. From a legal standpoint, you may be out of luck...

If you have the ability, it never hurts to stash some cash on the side, but I don't think I'd put it in another bank account.

It's probably a completely different story if you have a separation agreement where you both agree on the separation of debts and assets...

Hi Maritimer. Just wanted to quote this. I think Grizz hit the nail on the head. PMA is so hard to do, but I like the fake it till you make it. I guess the majority of people have a hard time with PMA, especially when W is house hunting, or moved out. Remember that PMA is for you and your children... Will help you detach and GAL. Although I agree, its easier said than done. My W is moving out next week, so I know where you're coming from, its something I'm struggling with just now.

Keep working on you, 'small steps forward' is the way to go...