Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

This is some good stuff...


and



I think we all have done this to one extent or another, it's just how life goes and we are getting an opportunity to correct some things, eh?

I had to work on the "really listening" too, and the asking questions the "right" way to show I was listening, not just thinking ahead to my own response, opinion, etc. I too use it everywhere and with everyone, got to get it cemented into the new me...and I really like it as you do...and I like the new me, sounds like you are liking the new you

Hang in there and keep those changes going!!!


T^2

So I like reading horoscopes, and I have one favorite go to that has pretty much reflected me well. Today's was very interesting


LEO Mar, 10, 2013
You have been on some kind of a roller coaster recently, Leo. It has either been an up-and-down series of events that left you emotionally shaken or restless; or it has been an ongoing endeavor that has had excellent moments and then equally upsetting moments. Either way, though, a roller coaster offers a very difficult ride. But don't worry - that ride is coming to a slow halt. Very soon you will almost forget that your stomach was queasy, and that you were confused about what was going on. Prior to this change you might have wanted to quit, but upcoming changes will definitely improve your state of mind.


Boy, I would so like for this one to be true...

Feeling a little low today, had a good weekend and nothing bad had happened with H, but I am feeling like I don't like limbo anymore.

I am still receiving text from H, although today there has been nothing...which is strange, but the day is not over.

I am thinking I should go dim/dark on him again...I am actually thinking maybe I also should just ask him what is going on with the divorce to push his hand so we aren't in limbo anymore. I don't like limbo, and for me and my boys, I think the hopes are high if H returning....maybe because we are spending too much time together.

Any thoughts?

I would sit tight and do nothing at this time. Keep your expectations at zero at ALL times.

If you want a divorce, then by all means ask him about it. However, if you want to try to save your marriage, then say nothing about it. Limbo is a tough place to be especially when you have a contact w/the spouse quite often. The best thing you could do is probably not be so readily available to him. In other words, when he calls, let it go to voice mail once in a while and return the call at a later time. Find things to do to keep your mind busy and focused on that partiuclar activity. It's okay to do family things together once in a while, but he needs to spend time w/the children on his own so that he gets to see what it's going to take for him to take care of the children on his own, if a divorce takes place, etc.

Mlc is a long hard road for both parties and this is the time for you to learn how to live on your own and for yourself. This is the time that you need to let go and allow God to do his work. Live your life as if he's not going to come back and try to think of your h as the mailman.

Again, expectations have to remain at zero or you will be disappointment and have "downers" if you hear from him all of the time and then he doesn't contact you for a bit. This journey is not called a rollercoaster for nothing...it has highs, lows and plenty of twists and turns.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

BRNR, snodderly gives the best advice!

I second the opinion of not saying anything.

One of the reasons my H said he received a wakeup call in December when we had the papers at the L's office (still do...) is that he realized that the kids and I weren't going to be part of his life any more in the same way.

The agony of not hearing from him, seeing FaceBook pics of him, etc. was truly awful but I kept telling myself I could make it for such-and-such a period of time. Like if I didn't hear from him in the evening like I expected, I could make it till morning. And if I didn't hear from him then, I might have another activity to do. And if I didn't hear from him then....etc. And eventually he would text or call or want to see me or kids and then it was better b/c I was busy doing something not sitting around waiting.

Keep going day-by-day. You are learning and growing.

Thank you Snodderly, your advice is sound and truly well received...I needed to hear it from someone else I guess

I don't want a divorce at the moment, I just don't like limbo, which just has me in an emotional state today...so no divorce talk.

RH- in your sitch it seems the divorce filing was the wake up call your H needed..which is why I wanted to throw it out there, but I am not ready for the outcome yet, so I will sleep on it as they say for a while.

H did text me right after both your post saying he had a busy day. I delayed in my response...and just discussed kid matters.

Things do seem like they are headed towards us being done, as he has seem to go back to some of his old ways when he was with OW. Maybe they are back together, maybe they are not, but I do know that moving on with my life as if H is never coming back is best, and will keep me more grounded and focused on me and the boys.

I have grown, but I still have setbacks, mostly internal, private, emotional ones. I guess I am steal working through the pain.


Thanks agin for the feedback. It came at just the right time to help me get my feet back on the ground and out of the clouds.

I wouldn't say that the divorce filing was the wake up call for rH's husband. I think he was at the stage whereby he realized he needed her in his life. Keep in mind, he's not stated that he's ready to move back home and recommit to the marriage just yet. This could take a while for him to do so.

Calling their bluffs and mentioning divorce and filing doesn't always work and sometimes, it will give them ideas that they hadn't thought about and then they go pell mell down the hill wanting a divorce. That's why it's better not to say anything unless you are absolutely sure you are done or need to do it for financial reasons.

You have to learn to be patient and understand that his mlc didn't go full blown yesterday, but was in the works for a long time. It's going to take some time for him to work through it and it's anyone's guess as to who the man in the mirror will be when he walks through that mirror and back into the real world.

Patience and more patience...dig deeper for it.

Understood...and I am a diggin'. Not sure how much is left, but I am not completely out just yet.

I do think I should take the fact I filed off my tagline, b/c it makes it look like that's what motivated him to want to work on us.

Snodderly is exactly right...a lot of it was a timing issue. My H was to the place where he said he was "never coming back" and decided D was the only answer. I decided to go along with it due to DB coach's advice. I only filed b/c one person has to be the petitioner. It ended up working well for us b/c it really put the ball in his court.

My H also had a past history of pushing me to the limit and then backing down. So I did have a suspicion that could happen although it seemed surreal and foggy while we were going through it.

My H still does have a long way to go. It's critical at this stage I don't put any pressure on him, I can tell.

I just wanted you to know, BRNR, it does look in my sitch that filing was the the magic bullet but I don't think that is the case. I think the timing was that H was at the end of his rope which is why he wanted the D. Then he saw he didn't like the idea of life post-D and he felt he needed me. I was there as a friend for him. He said that meant so much.

Looking back, it was all a readiness factor. I think H & I are on an easier path somewhat now but I do have some expectations from past reconciliations on this board that won't be till the end of the year that I might be able to breathe a little easier.

Meanwhile the advice is the same for me as for you....no pressure, take care of ourselves and our kids, be the best woman you can be -- for you first, then for them.

If a DB coach is at all possible for you, I highly recommend it. I used one for three sessions spread out over several months and found it invaluable.

Hang in there!

BRNR,

Thought I would stop by.

Snodderly's rollercoaster post was right on the money. I hate limbo too. The weird thing is that likely xSO (and your H) are fine with the status quo for now.

Last night I needed some perspective so I read the Midlife Crisis chapter in DR again. I do wish MWD had dealt a little more with the "middle bit" in terms of strategies but the chapter does help with perspective.

Implimenting detachment and zero expectations are a whole other story. Almost eight months later for me and I wish I was there. I am working on it - and I have no doubt that you are as well.

Hang in there!