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i get where you're going w this and i'm digging deep here...
he will hold my hand. i will get excited for a sec but then remember he did the same w ow. the pain will come back.

and this is just holding hands!!

hmmm

that is true. And you can't change the past... but you can appreciate the present and you can chose to focus on it.

He is choosing to hold hands with YOU. He is here now with YOU. That is where your focus should be.

Learning how to see the positives takes practice. I mean how natural is it to be grateful that the sh!t that hit the fan... is now all over your favorite outfit?

But it can be done. And it will become more and more natural.

So work at it. It's not neglecting your fears or invalidating your feelings...

.. it's taking control over them.

((( )))

MC session last week left me thinking long and hard about my sitch and about R. Do I want to reconcile?

I've been going full speed ahead without stopping and thinking about this.

I point out all the great changes H has made as a father and a friend but not as a partner.

He continues to say he doesn't want to be transparent in order to build trust. I left it up to him since everything I brought up he doesn't agree with. He believes I will trust him based on his actions.

That would be great if we were a new couple. We didn't have issues of trust.

Also, he continues to visit his mom almost every other day. This is a big problem.

a year ago I asked him, "why don't you stop seeing OW? Is it because she comforts you?" H said, "yes. I've only felt this way with my mother." DING DING DING!! Highly codependent on his mother and he wants that enjoyed that same relationship OW.

DB coach said, notice if he distances from his mother. He has in some areas but they are still very very very (unhealthy) close. She washes for him, cleans his house, sometimes makes him lunch for work. He visits her almost every other day with the kids so the cycle continues with my kids. Great!

His changes, he no longer helps his mom resolve her marital issues. Ex. Go talk to your dad about XYZ. Tell your dad XYZ. Convince your dad about XYZ.

Today at IC I shared about how H was never affectionate before sitch and much less now. She believes these are issues he will have to explore with his IC. She suggests I accept him the way he is and consider other ways of fulfilling this love language.

I felt deprived before our sitch, when he would go an entire week without touching me. I don't want to live this way the rest of our relationship.

The only thing that consoles me is to know that I don't need to make a decision today. I still have tomorrow to think about it.

Don't have any advice 2chiqs, but wanted to lend some support. I am not in your position, but I have often wondered what would happen in an R scenario with changes and potential relationship.

Thanks for your insights, ((())))

H has been staying with us for almost a month. S4 had his surgery March 6th and H was staying over to help S4 with the catheter. Catheter's been out since Thurs and he's still here.

2 nights ago he helped a friend DJ. Called me up to make sure I waited up for him so we could watch a DVR show and eat pizza. Later told me how he looks forward to spending nights watching TV with me. Something we didn't used to do before BD.

As for me, I feel good. I continue to see my life in a positive light. I'm no longer afraid of what will happen in my sitch. If we R or go our separate ways. I will be fine.

I look forward to what the future has in store but I continue to work hard at living in the present moment ;-)

Journaling....

Last Fri I had this wave of guilt come over me over so many things I did in the past. Things I said and did to family, friends, etc. EVERYONE! It went on over the weekend. I tried shaking it off but last night it got to me and turned into a BAD migraine. I got the chills and wanted to throw up but prayed I wouldn't cuz my head was pounding.

Anyway, I didn't know what led up to the migraine until today. Yesterday at IC I shared about how I need to find balance when it comes to parenting. I was an extreme control freak before BD then became extremely passive. Now I'm trying to express my boundaries in a nondefensive way. It's freakin' hard!!

Also, I think leaving my sitch up to God has also given my anxiety/stress. I know now that I need to vent to someone (other than H) and journal. I wasn't doing it. Takes such a toll on me when I keep it all inside. My face felt numb today and I know it has to do with that.

H is still here. He's made some comments here and there that I didn't put together til now.
H-"I don't shower here at night because I don't want to wake up the baby" (Funny cuz I shower every night when baby's asleep)

BTW: Almost every night H drives back to his place to pick up clothes for the next day.
H-"I'm going to pick up clothes for the next 3 days"
Then...
H- (to our friend who recently moved close by) "Hey! we're neighbors now!"
H- (just now) "I hate having to go back and forth to get clothes"

This last one was the one that kinda made me think of the other comments. I don't say anything just listen.

A year ago I wanted him to come back. A few months ago I told him that the only thing keeping him from moving back was himself. He insisted it was me. Funny but I think I see his point now.

I like having someone to help me with the kids. I would rather it's their dad. Now that we are coming to this point where he may ask to move in, I feel a migraine coming on!!!

WHY??? Because we still have to address the issue of trust! That opens up so much old crap for me. Why can't we just be like in those old TV shows where the parents sleep in separate twin beds and only give each other pecks on the cheek. I can do that!

I'm just rambling. Trying to make light of a very heavy sitch.

Carry on...

2chiqs, you have made me think about how I would feel if W suddenly said she was staying and wanted to work on R. I would definitely feel anxious. I would have to discuss with her what I need. She would also need to change. This stresses me out. I do walk on eggshells around her and that is not a good way to live.

Thank you for your insight. Good luck.

Thx Grizz for checking in.

I have a headache again and face is numb. I was thinking about how I would have to state my boundaries if he brings up staying permanently. I have an idea of what they would be. Problem is (and I think this is what's causing the anxiety) I don't know how he would respond to this.

This is what I've come up with so far...

*nightime routine with kids starts at 6pm. I would like for him to go to the gym before that time and have dinner with us at 6pm and kids bath 7pm and bedtime for them at 8pm.

--He teaches a gym class M,W,Th at 7pm and leaves the house at 6pm, doesn't get back til 8pm so no family dinner and he doesn't help with the routine.

*I need to see more of a distance between him and his mom. We don't need to visit her 5 times a week or 3. once is enough.

--Her involvement in our relationship is what hurt us. His codependency on her is what contributed to the disconnect and betrayal. (he realizes this and has told me about it).

*Rebuilding trust. There needs to be more openness. No more "white lies."

--I continue to hear him say white lies about insignificant things. It bothers me so much more now because of all the trust issues we have.

*The family is a priority. Dedicate family time and don't allow other things or people to get in the way of it.

--H will jump to help someone else even if it compromises our time together. He doesn't commit to US.

*Finally, marriage. If he is willing to work on the relationship then I would like to see us move towards getting married. Making it official. I don't want a big wedding anymore. Truth is I don't think my family would attend. (sad, I know)

2chiq,
Hang in there with that migraine.

I've had one for the last 2 days as well. Mine interfere with my vision - make me lose my sight for about 30 mins at a time. I also get numbness and interference with speech. Such fun.

They are signs of the pressure we're under, and we need to keep remembering to take care of ourselves.

Can you put yourself to bed and sleep sleep sleep - or something else that might make you feel better?

2chiqs:I really believe that the emotional manifests itself in the physical and this is your body's way of saying "Holy sh*t, this is a lot to take in!!" Kind of coming from the inside to the out where it is manifesting itself in migraines (stress).
I think you are finding your strength and are coming to a lot of decisions with boundaries etc. and I know it is causing anxiety, so does your body

Which boundaries are super non negotiable? And what would you be willing to negotiate now that there would be two of you?