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I wish I had more time for GAL and socializing... It's hard at the moment but I know I need to be doing things a little differently. Making a little progress I guess.

Anyway it does seem to be two steps forward and one (or two) back at this point. H has a terrible habit of blaming/judging during arguments, which ruins all the goodwill and hard work. Yesterday and today we argued and it is always the same: I say something that H interprets as unappreciative or dismissive and he reacts by completely going off. The resolution to uesterday's argument was that I needed to be more open to feedback and he needs to deliver his feedback in a more constructive way. But all of that went out the window this morning. Same dynamic, but he counters with "you are the whole problem an I'm not doing this anymore". Not sure what to do with that besides leave the room.

As a weird aside to this, we actually were having this argument while a friend was over to pick up my younger son for a playdate. S9 had a soccer game and was looking for his shin guards. S9 said daddy couldn't find his shin guards. I said "sometimes daddies need help looking for things.". The friend and I had a laugh about that. I said to the friend, "see how nicely I said that?" (h was not in the room). Then the friend pulls out this folded up piece of paper from his pocket that his therapist gave him - a little communication guide. Kind of random, but well timed. I made a copy of it. I guess he and his wife have had their share of marital troubles and are struggling just like the rest of us.

I guess I could add that I struggle with keeping my big girl pants on during these arguments. It is so easy to devolve into mud slinging and name calling; stooping to his level as it were. I really need to focus on not doing that but most of the time I feel like I am cursed with a third, badly-behaved child.

Just for context, what is triggering the arguments? What have you said that your H interpreted as unappreciative or dismissive?

As for the blaming / judging you are feeling from your H. I suspect that each one of us could be part of the conversation and agree that your H is blaming / judging you. Yet at the end of the day, it is still up to you to accept blame or judgement.

It sounds like what you are doing is not working. I suspect that when you feel blamed or judged, you are reacting. That said, does that lead you to walk away or to attack him?

This might be a good opportunity for a 180 that will stick.

Also, are you "hearing" what he is saying? And by that, I mean what does he say and are you dismissing it or are you validating his feelings (without owning the issue) and then reflecting on what he is saying and / or asking for clarification? Or are you doing what many people do and blocking the message altogether and putting defensive walls up?

Thank you KD -
In the first instance, H was trying to explain something to me, which I still didn't understand, and when he asked me if that made sense, I said, "I guess." He said with that kind of response it was no wonder that he never wanted to talk to me, and then that devolved into derogatory remarks like I don't know how to get along with people, I'm not capable of understanding why "I guess" isn't an appropriate response.

Second instance, H had made coffee and bacon and said to me, "Do you want some reheated waffles or something?" It sounded kind of unappetizing... then I started asking what everyone else was having, he said everyone else already ate. He felt I wasn't being appreciative of the bacon and coffee, but in my own defense, I had been away from the kitchen the entire time so never saw any of that. I'm sure if I had gone into the kitchen the first thing I would have said was, "Thanks for doing that", but I didn't even get a chance to say that before he lit into me for not saying it. Anyway, H didn't like the fact that he was offering to do something nice and I was just ignoring that. He didn't actually say any of this to me, what he said was "you are the whole problem" and "I'm not going to be around much longer."

This is frustrating for me. In neither case did I intend to offend, but inevitably, I end up saying or doing the wrong thing and H goes nuts. These are the times I'm glad we have a good MC who can hopefully help us navigate through. He reminds me of an alcoholic who goes off at the drop of a hat... no matter what the other person is doing he finds a reason to go ballistic. I don't know what to do to prevent it.

KD, you are right - what I am doing isn't really working or helping the situation. I do react when I feel blamed or judged, you are exactly right about that. Someone told me once that H likes to pick fights, and I agree with that. He knows that if he goes down the road of "you're the problem", "you'll never change" blah blah, that I will react and he can get the upper hand. So I think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe me reacting differently is the key.

Also, I fully admit that it's very hard, practically impossible, for me to "hear" what he is saying during all of these instances. The reason I can't hear him is that I feel blamed and judged. When our MC points out the exact same thing that H is trying to say, I can respond to it sanely because I don't feel put on the defensive, but something about H makes me get my claws out. The two of us agreed yesterday that I would try to do better at accepting the feedback and he would try to deliver it better, but that went right out the window today. I'm waiting for him to be the big man here and take the lead but he never does. Or rarely does.

So I guess I have to get my zen on a little more and just get better at deflecting instead of absorbing. I have never been very good at that, which is ironic because everyone thinks I'm such a bulldog.

I think your analogy of how it feels that dealing with him is like dealing with an alcoholic, or addict, is pretty spot on. That dynamic starts off immediately with the addict, most likely already agitated, attacking the people who get close, partly to get position of power quickly. Also, to have rationalization within themselves as to why they are feeling the way the are and that they are going to get their fix, because of someone else.

Of course there are many options and some of them might seem like immediate solutions to the problem, although what works for you, that is in keeping with your inner self, will be what you need to figure out.

If you approach him, ready for a fight, every time you know there is going to be contact, then you are already in a stressed. Not healthy for you, and he will sense it. He's possibly already tuned into "that" frequency. You can expect a fight at every interaction.

If you avoid him, he will eventually seek you out anyhow. You can't avoid him forever and that too will be stressful and not healthy.

I would suspect you are a little too attached to the outcome. Take that with a grain of salt, because it is understandable that you would be attached to the outcome of a pleasant, happy M.

What are some things that you want changed, in your sitch? Frame these from a position of YOU rather than HIM. IOW, you may want your H to stop attacking you, blaming you, judging you. What you would be looking at here is, you will stop feeling attacked, blamed, or judged. Not by him, solely... but by anyone...

Make sense?

I would agree that what he is doing is "wrong". Yet, if you do not understand his context, then you are not really hearing what the issue is, for him.

Zen is your friend... It allows you to bend, but not break and still be engaged in your environment. It will allow you to stop reacting and potentially "hear" the context better. So you can be proactive, rather than reactive.

So, what are some things that cause you to react? You can use your H as the context and frame. Then, work out what inner framing is going on within you.

BTW, Zen is not about deflecting, rather it is about being one with the environment. Neither absorbing. Rather it is about reflecting and flowing.

How you doing Regret?

Hey guys. I disappeared for a while. Just dealing with life, I guess. I have been thinking about you all though!! Now that I'm not banished to the den anymore I have less alone time to write here, and I guess that's a good thing.

Our marriage continues to improve, albeit at a glacially slow pace. As we move through the process, we find more thorns and knots at every turn. I will say that I adore our MC. He is wonderful. He can speak to both of us in a way that we can hear it and he is giving us advice that is working.

I still find myself frustrated with my H's detachment. I brought this up in MC yesterday and we finally got around to discussing H's mother, who left the family when he was about 12. There is almost too much to say about it, but in a nutshell, he hasn't processed the abandonment, and my IC thinks he's projected all of his feelings around that onto me, hence his violent reactions (for lack of a better term). As I gain more perspective, I'm just coming to terms with how much damage his mother has done, but on the other hand, I'm able to let myself off the hook a bit because a lot of this doesn't really have to do with me. Very sad situation.

On the positive side, I am gaining a lot more control over my own emotions. In the past, feeling neglected by H would just mean that I would go to OM1 and/or 2 for validation and comfort. I still am not really getting that from H but at least at this point I can tell him that I need more from him. I am trying to work on my own confidence and trying to be more positive instead of negative.

Will keep you all posted!

Glad things are improving RLA. It will be slow, at that glacial pace you say but continue down this path. It is a gift.

Been a while Regret...any updates?