Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The View from the Blanket II

Busting, I am right there with you. I feel the exact same way. I/we need to start doing some we stuff, we need to start taking care of us more. This is difficult stuff we are dealing with, it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed (it's how we act while we are hurt that counts). I try to act "as if" and for the most part I do fairly well, however I feel different and I'm sure the "I feel different" comes through. I'm not sure what the answer is. I guess we all move at our own pace and when we heal is when we heal. I hate hearing that, I want a time line. I want to know in 3 more months I'll be feeling better lol. Unfortunately that is not the case. How do we deal?? Well it's not alcohol or drugs or another girl/boy friend, it's just us. We have to be okay with us. How do we get there??? That's the part I am struggling with. I think that's the purpose of GAL. I have been married since I was 21 years old and am now 44, my life consisted of my wife and kids (sad I know), I have no single friends or anyone to just hang out with. A motorcycle is in my future and a motorcycle club as well and not the Hells Angels either lol.

Forgiveness is a process and one that I think is vital to our health and well being. I also believe it is something that takes a while and it takes work. Understanding their behavior and why they think the way they do is also vital to healing ourselves. To truly forgive I need to understand my W's pain, not necessarily agree with it, just understand it. They do hurt and struggle with their decisions. They do not want us to know it and perhaps that is part of the marital breakdown. Them/us not really opening up about fears and hurts that we have. Keeping them bottled inside until we explode and make a big mess of our lives. Pray, meditate, sing what ever it takes to release the feelings of hurt and betrayal. Don't expect it to happen overnight or in a week or in a month, just expect it to happen.

Realize also that you are not a bad person or spouse. I was/am a good husband. I was not a perfect husband or the husband my wife needed and that suxx. I'm sure you fall into the same category, so forgive yourself allow you to be you. Change what YOU think is in need of change.

Basically busting, live life. This is hard and it will get better and better. We are here for you and wish you the best.

I have a great IC who never tells me what to do but questions my thinking and helps lead me out of the weeds in my mind. (In no way am I equating myself with her but I have learned to question my thinking.)

We do have the answers sometimes we just need help uncovering them.

Ok have been thinking I need to get a grip and control of MYSELF.

Whatever his mood his decision his action. Focus on me. And moving forward. And acceptance.

Letting go...

Try not to beat yourself up about these little blips, we are learning a very different way of being. Think about when our babies learn to walk-they fall a lot before they finally get it. We don't castigate them when that happens, we hug them and cheer them on knowing that eventually they will walk.

Here's a hug (( )) and a cheer!

Thanks Bug. I always love that analogy.

I think I have beat myself up because I am mad at myself for getting to this place with myself and because I think I have annoyed H. As that scares me a bit because he doesn't need much to start spewing again and talking about D.

Him being in Dubai with OW has proven to be a big challenge to me in terms of not panicking and not wanting to pursue. So I need to get a grip again.

dear sweet picnic sister,

i feel the same when i have interactions with my W, the pain wells up inside me and feels so overwhelming.. ((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))) i don't have to interact with her much at all which makes it easier.

i remember reading something starsky wrote awhile back that i reread the other day:

"In all of my years on DB, this may be the #1 question that bombed spouses ask. "If he/she complained I was too distant, how is going dim/dark going to help? Isn't it just more of the same?"

It's a fair question, but remember -- DBing is, by its nature, very counterintuitive. Let's face it, what DID come as "following our instincts" was -- for most of us -- what got us INTO this hot mess to begin with!

So that's point #1. Point #2 is that you must make a distinction between a walkaway spouse (no infidelity involved), and those that are in an active affair. When someone is caught up in the affair, many of the things that one might normally do to re-attract them are going to be INEFFECTIVE at best, DAMAGING TO YOUR DB EFFORTS at worst, and ENABLING THE CONTINUED INFIDELITY to be sure.

The dirty little secret is that there really isn't much of ANYTHING you can do while they are still with their OM/OW. They're going to be blocked to you emotionally, actually RESENT any positive changes, and you're just going to be more and more frustrated and resentful.

If you play your cards right . . . and if the wayward spouse chooses to end their affair and make a move back towards the marriage, THEN you will have plenty of opportunities to demonstrate your changes. Until then, you're only spinning your wheels and would be wise to focus on those positive changes that are FOR YOU -- those things that you know in your heart of hearts are things YOU need to work on, to be a better person and a better mate.

Starsky"

I copied the whole thing here but what struck me lately is his #2 about the fact that there is not much at all,if anything, that we can do while there is an OW. I think what he says about them blocking us emotionally and resenting us is so so true and focusing on us, that of course is the golden ticket. Hard to do, but so true.

(((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))) love you!

NG, wow thank you so much for that (and starsky too!). I know I have read that before, but sometimes things I read in the early days didn't really sink in.

I really need to regroup. I mean, I am regrouping now (again the downs don't last as long as they used to), I was spinning for the past week. I don't know how much damage was done, but I suppose I can't worry about that. Its in the past and another lesson learned for me.

One thing I am doing (started today) is I didn't speak to H when he called the kids. Not out of anger, but just for me until I feel stronger again. There is nothing really to say anyway. To be honest, he didn't ask to speak to me either but at least in my head, I am there. It was my choice not to speak to him. I will continue to text if necessary about the kids (whether its a problem or an achievement they have that should be shared), although I am also thinking to back off on that even and just do like a weekly diary for him about them (unless its something urgent of course). I will continue to be myself regardless of his ways.

I think I will try that this week. More for me than for him. I realize that I still think about ways I can get in touch with him and even if its legitimately focused on the kids, I still look forward to have a reason to communicate with him.

I have been reading an old thread started by snodderly a decade ago called "My thoughts on why they run away" and it has been very calming to reread that this is really not about me anymore. Not to say that I haven't and won't own up to my issues, but that no matter how desperately I want to find a solution and 'fix this' I simply cannot right now.


So I am actively putting in my head that that this is it for him. He IS done and its really time for me to let go of the rope I have been holding on to in the hopes that the man buried inside this person today would trust me enough to come back and give us a chance.

Come what may, I need to be ready so I can can be there for my kids. I need to stop thinking of the hurt, the bewilderment and the pain I keep thinking about that will be embedded in this family.

I know I am going to be leaning on you all, as we all do with each other. And I am speaking to my coach Tuesday as well.

Come what may, its time to drop this rope.

ps...snodderly, I read almost everything i can find that you post. Your words and insight have been invaluable to me. Thank you so much. xxx

This is just a vent/journal.....


When H left, his father had just passed...he went to OW. She provided comfort and understanding to H. I could not provide that because he left and refused to talk to me, although i tried the few times we spoke during that time (2.5 years ago), and I was also grieving the loss. My point is that she provided this comfort to him in a very emotionally charged and transient time for him. He told me recently that since his dad passed that he has felt that he doesn't have to be the person anymore that was expected of him. He can do what he wants. He doesn't care what people think.

So he made this connection with OW that I can't make with him. She saw him vulnerable and in transition and was right there for him. That must be very powerful and comforting to him. And for her.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is, except for release. I don't know how I can compete with what he felt/feels with OW at that time of his life when i was completely out of the picture.

I guess another reason to realize this is over and I am dropping the rope.

I know H was striving for his dad's approval. I just can't compete. I am the annoying, nagging, party popper in Hs eyes. I am the misery.

ok, am done. Just needed to let that out. Am still in my place of letting go.

(((((busting)))))