"When I said 'she knows a good thing when she sees it' it was phrased like that because I was talking from my wifes perspective. From my perspective I would say we BOTH know we have someone special."
SM, not trying to be a jerk, but this just jumps out to me as to what everyone is saying. You would not be on this board and in this situation if that was this case. You need to strictly worry about you and what you can do to better yourself right now. You seem so hung up on how you got here. It doesn't matter, you can't go back in time. One of my favorite quotes is, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
I haven't met you in person and I'm not a doctor. But just reading things from you, you remind me so much of my brother. He was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. They go through manic episodes lasting anywhere from a week to six months. And nothing is ever to blame on them. People seem to never understand them or see it their way. I'm just telling you this because so much of what I read reminds me of him. You might want to look into that. I wish nothing but the best, but you need do some serious soul searching
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thats a new one! Now I am bi polar? Thats a new one.
Dud you read the whole post that you picked that line from? I spent a big portion of that post accepting fault for not showing my wife she was loved, needed, attractive etc... I screwed up! I said that! I didnt make my wife feel good about herself.
I can assure you I am not bi polar. Never had a manic episode in my life. Never had any compulsive behavior.
This is kind of why its so frustrating sometimes on here. I admit I scewed up, and I admit ir hurts to know your wife needed reassurance of how sexy she is, and then got rhat from someone else. That is HUGE for a woman! And its enough to not be happy in a relationship.
There is no nees for us to find more problems in my marriage. I am trying ro illustrate rhat but inevitably there always has to be something else.
All I can say is go back and read my post again. I admir plenty of fault. I cab also assure you that I am in excellent mental health. Part of what helped my marriage last so long is how willing I am to accept fault when issues arise in our marriage, even when I believed my wife was at fault. You know the mantra 'do you want to be right, or do you want tk be marrried?'. That was my life even without knowing it. Actually I have now learned that perhaps part of the issue is that I am not always honest with my wife about issues I may have with something she says or does. I have essentially been a father to her. I thought it was good to always say hey baby its my fault, I am si sorry for upsetting you, just so we can move on. In doing so, I may have built up some resentfulness that contributed to my lack of showing her how special she is.
I can assure you I am not bi polar...at all. But after suggestions that I am self centered, awkward, have difficulty with social cues, may have aspergers, might be arrogant, and now bi polar, nothing surprises me anymore lol. I guess I could be all of that and not know it.
In my next post, I will let my alter ego have a chance lol. Just kidding.
No for real, thank you for reading my post and offering your take on it. You are right that I need to focus on me for a while. I really need to.
So, what I would like to do js explore this father figure concept. I had said in a post several months ago that I had 'babied' my wife and was told I lacked respect for her. At the time I wasnt sure why I was being told that, but now I see that maybe I mis worded it. Perhaps what was happening is that I was acting like a father. How do I investigate that. I wknder if there I can take an online quiz or something to see if I have an issue with trying to be a father like spouse. How would I work on that or investigate that? I mean the idea is a little foreign so perhaps I need to just read up on what kind of behavior would fall under that classificatiom.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Leo, I will take your advise and spend a couple days thinking about all of this. Especialy the father figure part because that seems quite important. It is important SM. DOn't get so bogged down in your version of history bc for one thing, it VARIES and I do notice that' and I do comment on it b/c it's weird to say certain things so differently than before.
Just briefly though, a few comments...
I like to think I think highly of myself. That might be arrogance but to me the word arrogance has a negative connotation. Arrogance DOES have negative connotations. It's not a compliment. There's no 'good way" to be arrogant. But yeah, you sound arrogant often...just sayin' that's how it reads to this woman.
So when I say I dont think people who know me personally, especially my wife, would say I was arrogant. They would say I think highly of myself in the way that I have high self esteem and self worth. But I have those same feelings for my wife. elsewhere, earlier you said your self esteem took some blows b/c your business was suffering and your w was not giving you WOA enough and therefore you with held affection and she felt rejected by you....so, this^^ does not jive.
When I said 'she knows a good thing when she sees it' it was phrased like that because I was talking from my wifes perspective. From my perspective I would say we BOTH know we have someone special.
Your w is sleeping with another man. Period. I mean, not to rub it in, but that's that.
The reason for pursuing is something we have covered before. Michelle says to act as if, but only if the WAS is not claiming neglect. That is indeed what is going on in my sitch. agreed....and hopefully you'll find a balance between that and being a doormat. NOT That you are, but you could easily become one...and that's been a big concern fo people here. We seem to shift from thinking you are conceited and blind to your own faults b/c you keep on explaining (and you once again told of us your "research"....which is YOU teaching us again...)
OR that you are in major denial with a cake eating w...I can see why you'd be confused but frankly, you are confusing.
Am I running away from my marital faults that I contributed? Absolutely not. I didnt ever pursue my wife...hardly showed her she was important to me. I told her but never showed her. Thats what I am trying to do now as a 180. then what's with all the 'Therapist said I was a GREAT H and GREAT FATHER and BEST FRIEND AND VERY HAPPY WITH ME"??? See there is a huge disconnect.
There were a few things wife said were negatives about me during BD and the days surrounding. I have addressed them as bezt I can, and still working hard at them. But there is no doubt none of them were serious enough to leave me over. oh there's plenty of DOUBT....She is sleeping with OM...I guess you're saying "hey she didn't leave me, she's just w/OM"... The sex and sexual pursuing or lack thereof is the deal breaker. She even in our recent chat that she wishes I had pursued like this before. She didnt mention she wishes I had fixed the kitchen cabinets, dressed nicer etc.. back then. Those are added bonuses of the new me of course. well I guess Acts of service are not her LLs - OR not her first one...so what did you learn about fixing the kitchen cabinet vis a vis HER NEEDS?
I have no dillusions of having had the perfect marriage. Not at all. There is always room for improvement. Do I blame the meds only for my sitch? No, I have said before it was lack of sexual pursual. Not even lack of frequency because I think my wife would not leave me because we make love twice a wek I stead of four. DING DING DING!!! You said it was 'down to once a week' a few weeks back. I wrote it down and commented on it and said at your age, that's not a lot. SHE wanted more so it was not enough. Period.
And 2 x a week is what the AVERAGE couple of all ages, do, or say they do.
Now you've doubled the number of times you say you were ML...see? I have a problem now. With your credibility or your recall or your marital revisions... Its because I never said hey you look darn fine, go put something sexy on and meet me in the bedroom in 5 mins...and hurry! You know what I mean? um, no I don't know. Honestly not sure what you are saying here....but it's probably not crucial that I do.
So its not that I think I have nothing to work on, there are definitely things I want to fix for myself. Adinva and I explored a lot of things I can work on, and she liked how I dug deep and even added things that I didnt like about myself that wife never complained about. I am working on those, and I believe 25 is still waiting for a recap of those and the updates of how I am doing with them.
sure am!
Any marriage has its issues. Some more than others. Every person has their breaking point, some peole further than others. In my case all I am saying is that our marriage had less issues than some, and one of us (my wife) had a breaking point closer than mine. The meds in my opinion brought that breaking point closer even than before. If you read some studies of ssri, it has been shown that the area of the brain most influenced is the 'give a f $#k' center, so when you lose that you may act on things that you originally thought didnt deserve a divorce. Doesnt mean they were not issuez, just that you might have been dealing with them, and all of a sudden you dont care to deal with them anymore. no more of this^^^ please. We get it. WE can do our own research. No more Professor SM...okay?
Leo I think you have been very loyal to me and helping me. I do appreciate that immensely. And although your 2x4s sometimes feel more like a ton of bricks, I understand you have the best intentions. Like you said, many of you would like to see me fix my M, and you have no idea how much that means to me. You all are not my second family right. You are my first! I have not been able to confide in any of my family members because I come from a culture where there would be no way back into the M for my wife. Since I lived with western folks my whole life, my own ideals will allow me to move past this, but my eastern valued family would not. you're wise to get support where you can. Don't go to the MIl anymore please b/c she compares you to HER H or ex.
My mom loves my h and all my sister's h's b/c she compares them to my dad, who was a terrible h. Even when my h was in his "MLC" or whatever, even when my x bil left my sister, my mom said good things about him (he left a wonderful wife for OW and later he regretted it...) My mom's view is not helpful to me or my sisters although I love that she loves my h, but her perspective is so skewed i don't listen much to it. She thinks my h is GREAT & you know why?
...b/c he's a doctor... AND b/c he earns good money & she thinks he manages it well, b/c he is in good physical shape, many of these things are what she wished my father had done. The alliance you have with your mil is not nearly as helpful to you, as you think. You're loving what she says, but that's not as helpful as you want it to be or think it is.
That is also why sometimes when I post I write with a certain arrogance that I always claim I dont do in person. Its kind of that conversation you might have with your brother where yoh tell him whats going on and then both of you spend a few minutes saying how your wife will never find someone as good as you, and she should be kissing your butt to forgive her.
except for the last part, I don't think many of us did NOT have these^^ talks at first. We wanted our "fans" to tell us how great we were b/c we were hurting.
you just cannot create or have any expectations from those pep talks. You have to see them for what they are. Okay?
I do t have those convos with anyone, and have no one to boost me up like that. So perhaps I am subconsciously looking for that here, and so in an attempt to solicit a response like that from you all, I come of very arrogant. I need to focus on showing my humility. You all do t know how much time I spent thinking I am not worthy of my wifes love.
ahhh but this insight, this honesty is what we seek and what we suspected^^^^
I didnt show her how much she meant to me. I thought by working hard and buying her a nice house and a brand new car and a closet full of expensive clothes, that I was being a good lover. And now, you see that WHAT is being a "good lover" to HER?
All she needed was a damn hug and a compliment! maybe not "all" but it's a start and you did resist it. Before, You said you'd "TRY" to compliment her once a week...and "within reason". Can you see how that sounded to me?
Its painful bro. It [censored]! Im a great guy I LOVE HER but she needed that!
And I dint blame her one bit. Every wife deserves to feel sexy.....and I need to work on that..big time. When this is all fixed, I want her to know she is the most beautifuk person I have ever laid eyes on.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 and Gabbysmom I agree with what you said witb a few exceptions that are small details like the number of times we made love ML. I believe I have said all along that jt was ATLEAST once a week but usually twice. In any case those details are not so important right now. What I meant by I dont think even that was the problem, is that I think wife said it frequency was an issue, but mostly the hints she through was that it. Wasnt passionate enough. Perbaps it was both or a combo of sorts.
I didnt mean I need to read up on father figure to see if it fits me. You have all made that quite clear that the way I treat her is fatherly. My research was going to be how to change that, how to change myself to that person that I should be. See, this is the first time I have really thought about this aspect of me. I toom it as babying her, I mean that in a nice way like pampering, but I see now it is detrimental to a M.
An interesting point is that a while back I asked if doing too much for your wife to really make her life easier was a turn off for women. It was a discussion on [*] website and also fits the sex rank theory of red pill etc.. so I was attacked for trying to look at too many conflicting approaches. But now I see that I was on the right lines as to what the problem is, but you all have mad it clearer. So those theories from those two sites I mentioned are pretty much the same concept as being fatherly right? They are just not presented in a way that is from a place of love like we all prefer here. They are kind of chovanistic and sexist. In any case, how can I begin to change that behavior?
What kind of other behaviors might I be doing that are fatherly? Like by not pushing my wife to get a job, even though we could use the money, am I being loving? Or fatherly? Another reason I wanted to read up on this concept. Because I have no idea what other behaviors other than the ones you all pointed out to me, may also fit under this umbrella.
I will stop confiding in MIL. She is a sweet person who really wants us to stay together. She has had a tough life and perhaps she just wants the path of least resistance for her daughter, but she does also believe my wife and I could use some delationship tools and make each other happier than either one of couod imagine. But you are all righ. Enough is enough. I dont want wife to ever find out and feek we ganged up on her. Im still holding out for a loving, uncoerced decision to return to our marriage.
So help me! How do I purge this fatherly thing? How can I do that? An suggestions or things to practice? I need to understand all the ways that I am doing that, so I can recognize when I ak doing it. It may seem obvious to all of you, but to me its not so obvious.
Thanks for the help everyone!
Last edited by dbmod; 03/19/1311:59 PM. Reason: Reference not recommended not allowed
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
25 I just have one comment that I really would like to clarify before I start to lose your support again. I need your insight if I can be successful in fixing my own issues.
You say you may have an issue with my credibility. I just wanted to plead to you to pls give me a little room and cut me a little slack. You know how confusing it is to concile what your WAWs re written version of your mariage with what you yourself remember. Add to this the effect of the vets on the forum challenging what you believe where the issues and you have a huge mess on your hands! Did we make love once a week? Was I twice? Did I see it was twice when she thinks it was once? Who is right? Did my recollection change because I have bought into my wifes version of the story? I dont know.
But what I do know, and I hope you agree, any inconsistencies are not on purpose, and ultimately they are minor details that dont affect our plan of how to kove forward. The bottom line is what we all know about my sitch. However number of timez it was, it was not enough and likely not passionate enough fo wife. I think the exact little details are not important unless we are trying to add lieing to my list of negative traits ; )
25. Apprecaite your help! Totally agree on the MIL cmparing to her experience etc.. those are awesome points.
Be back later today to read your responses and plan of how to purge this fatherly behavior I have.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
One comment on the ssri and I have asked my own gp about this and she confirmed it. Ssri prescribed to someone who is bi polar, especially at a large dose, can cause manic episodes. Manic episodes can obviously include the type of reckless behavior a WAS can exhibit.
Here is the kicker. Bi polar disorder is VERY genetic right? I mean if one of your parents is diagnosed then yiu need to be screened for it because it runs in the family. The reason my MIL thinks its contributing to wifes behavior is that MIL is bipolar herself, and wife has never been screened for it.
When MIL was put on ADs many years ago dhe to trauma from her childhood (she was raped by her step father and when sbe told her own mother she was accused of lieing and thrown out of the house) her manic episode manifested mostly as a spending money recklessly, but she did also have a reckless encounter with my FIL that left her pregnant with wife at 16 years old.
I have menioned this in a previous post. Again I am the first to admit that there is no doubt in my mind I neglected my wifes sexual needs (even if I thought once or twice a week should be enough, it obviously wasnt for her, and she told me that) the only reason I think ssri is a factor at all is because we all know there are other ways you can try to fix your M or get throuhh to your spouse. My wife has admitted that if we had gone to therapy it would have saved us, but her lack of caring at this point, and her lack if empatby to what she is doing to me and her daughter, is what bothers me. Its just really out of cbaracter for her.
My coach talked to me about another reason she doesnt feek this is a typical WAW situation. Aside from the fact that she didnt I dicate to her therapist that she was unhappy with our M etc.. the disturbing part is that a WAW normally wants to leave tbe husband, not the family. In other words, she is taking the kids with her. My wife has said more than once that she is leaving D3 with me. In her fantasy she lives with OM alone. Despite her wanting more kids up until 3 weeks before BD, she now wants to be single again. This is more of CRISIS type behavior acccording to my DB coach.
In any case, les not get bogged down in details and opinions. I need o move forward from here. I will do my best to practice humility, not talk to MIL about this, not snoop, etc and focus on myself. I feel in my heart that I can get my wife back. I don know why but I really do feel that way. I know she loves me and I know she wishes it would work. I also kniw she doesnt quite believe it could at this point. Thats where we need to focus on, not whether we agree on ssri effects or if my stories are consistant (I dont know the truth of our M history anymore after all this rewritting by wife and the time that has passed since we were a couple). All I know and all I can influence is what happens from this day forward......
Lets get started! So im arrogant. I need to drop tbat. I might be treating her like a baby. I need to change that. But how? Help me! I am not good at this change stuff, as you all know. I am a creature of habit, but somehow I MUST overcome that!
Ladies, pls give me some pointers. What do you tell people like me to practice?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Develop a sense for when you are boasting. Try being quiet instead of talking. Let her talk. Listen. Validate. You don't need to say what you think back.
Two cents -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
My W went from being ready to leave the whole family behind, to wanting to reconcile, to not being happy and wanting a separation, to feeling guilt for ripping the family apart, to being willing to do shared custody - and I'm awaiting the next version of the story...
Your concerns about SSRI's may be well founded; maybe even accurate, but, you WILL NOT FIND A CONCERNED EAR IN YOUR WAW. I fought this battle as well with my W; she's been on Lexapro for three years. And your constant quest to identify and diagnose will ultimately lead to nothing but disappointment and frustration.
The fact of the matter is this - if you try to convince her that the SSRI is causing her to not act like herself or even irrationally, she's going to see that as an effort by you to control her - case closed. I am speaking from experience here.
If you want advice on how to stop acting like a father to your W, just re-read the posts in this thread. It's been pointed out, examples given in your own words. Evaluate your own words others have commented on, come up with 180's and execute them. That's the beauty in solution oriented therapy - once the problem is identified, the very wise people here can give you suggestions on how to alter your actions in a positive way. Only YOU have the control to put an end to the 'more of the same' behavior.
25 and Gabbysmom I agree with what you said witb a few exceptions that are small details like the number of times we made love ML. I believe I have said all along that jt was ATLEAST once a week but usually twice. to me, you are quibbling w/little facts again, but since you are, look at your posts again. I took notes on what you said so I could keep things straight.
You said it was averaging once a week. You spent A LOT of time discussing love making statistics and how it was this & that, but my point to you then, and now, is that there WAS a decline in frequency (and perhaps type of) sex and you can argue all you want about whether it should/or is normal or whatever.
NONE of which matters if your w wanted or needed it more THEN...she did have unmet needs. You can spen weeks here on SSRIs and your endless research but if you can't admit there were problems in the m, you're spinning your wheels NOT doing the real work needed.
I KNOW you say you are working on you. But it'd be going so much faster if that was your main activity instead of one among many.
At times you blamed her for the decline in sex. You never said "it's her fault" --- but you explained again, that you did not feel confident enough b/c of work stress, (other times you seem to ooze your self confidence so yes, there is a disconnect for me. Confusing. As if there's cognitive dissonance, which I believe there is.)
Much of what you say varies. Or you'll add details that DO matter...but we'd have had those details if you had just one thread, and that's assuming your memory is accurate
You said she didn't encourage you back when business was bad, w/enough words of affirmation, just when you needed it the most.
You said, therefore, she was not making you feel confident enough to initiate or want sex when you business was going poorly or you were stressed.
YOU admit you don't compliment HER enough (so I guess it goes both ways but my gut says it was scorekeeping, such as You didn't compliment her if she didn't compliment YOU enough, etc)
and in effect you punished her for not giving you the WOA you say you needed. AND OR you simply were not interested in sex enough FOR HER... NOW you say it's that OR instead, that you were not adventurous enough.
This claim is based all or in part on you reading or learning of her messages to others (huge no no) in which you say she praised your lovemaking and how different it is from OMs...but then she also likes some of what OM does.
You tell us of your research, but not what matters.
What matters is that 1) your sex drive and ability to positively compliment her, were affected by HER behavior AND your business events, and your sex drive OR type of sex DECLINED from before and
2) you also did not give her WOA which helped to make her feel more rejected and finally,
3) all this bothered her, a lot. When she told you, you explained why you were neglecting her. In effect you argued with HER perceptions instead of just changing the behaviors she was complaining of.
You spent your energy then and STILL DO, explaining why her perceptions were off or wrong INSTEAD of just changing them.
4) sometimes you seem to get this^^^ and I have lots of hope. You'll see that she needed things you COULD/SHOULD have given her...
Then other times you revert to the "explanations" format you use. Then you miss my main point about it all , which is that the explaining your faulty reasoning does not improve the reasoning....it just reinforces whatever you're justifying in that moment.
You need not defend your reasoning at the time, just change the behaviors and stop the explaining. That goes to your need to be right and have agreement by others.
In any case those details are not so important right now. What I meant by I dont think even that was the problem, is that I think wife said it frequency was an issue, but mostly the hints she through was that it. Wasnt passionate enough. Perbaps it was both or a combo of sorts.
this^^^ is 'not so important right now" but then you go into it again. Yes SM, it's a combination of the things SHE SAID bothered her.
I didnt mean I need to read up on father figure to see if it fits me. You have all made that quite clear that the way I treat her is fatherly. My research was going to be how to change that, how to change myself to that person that I should be. See, this is the first time I have really thought about this aspect of me. maybe an instruction manual for "not fathering your w" is out there. But my guess is that more research is not what you need. More DOING DIFFERENT behaviors is.
I think you'll need to see other healthy couples interact, learn from them, go to a workshop or get intensive therapy for this. I think you need to learn new behaviors and UNlearn others.
Much as I love to read, there are times to put the books down.
I toom it as babying her, I mean that in a nice way like pampering, but I see now it is detrimental to a M. NOW, Do you see that it's controlling and manipulative and a turn off?
An interesting point is that a while back I asked if doing too much for your wife to really make her life easier was a turn off for women. It was a discussion on [*] website and also fits the sex rank theory of red pill etc.. so I was attacked for trying to look at too many conflicting approaches. when you say you were "attacked" it really irks me. We're trying to help you. Not "attack you" and that victimhood thing has to stop. You were not attacked. People just disagreed with your take on it, including me.
Also, you MISQUOTED the book and it's entire meaning.
The book points out how built up resentments can lead to some men lashing out at their spouses, accumulating but not expressing their resentments and being conflict avoidant, (often just cowardly) and manipulative or passive aggressive...and how critical those men can be ALL while pretending to be people pleasers and how unhealthy that behavior can be.
You assumed the title of the book meant that YOU were just being too nice and too pleasing to her and maybe that's all that's going on here with all these marital problems....(never mind all the talk about her feelings of being rejected or fathered by you or how you can't compliment her)...
and you wanted to summarize/teach us, "the secret". At least that's how I read it. And yes, I made a snarky remark b/c I could not believe you would over simplify not just YOUR marital problems
but a whole load of other's marital problems based on a book you had NOT read, or you really misunderstood.
FINALLY, no one said you were mixing approaches THEN...but you do try to use a "menu option" and since you have a DB coach, just stick with one thing and stop shopping.
IMO you keep looking for simple answers to complicated issues and by doing all that - you spend a ton of energy NOT ON YOU, which to me, is a waste of time and work and energy. If I were you, I'd spend 100% of my time on my own work.
But now I see that I was on the right lines as to what the problem is, but you all have mad it clearer. So those theories from those two sites I mentioned are pretty much the same concept as being fatherly right?
No.
They are just not presented in a way that is from a place of love like we all prefer here. They are kind of chovanistic and sexist. In any case, how can I begin to change that behavior? See above comments...
What kind of other behaviors might I be doing that are fatherly? Like by not pushing my wife to get a job, even though we could use the money, am I being loving? Or fatherly? There are other options as to why you have not pushed her. Other than being "loving or fatherly" , like controlling.
Anyhow, does your w WANT to go to work or not? Full time or part time? And from your description, your d is not going to just adapt to a new childcare arrangement easily. You said she's been kicked out twice?
Another reason I wanted to read up on this concept. Because I have no idea what other behaviors other than the ones you all pointed out to me, may also fit under this umbrella. well how would WE know? We don't live with you.
I will stop confiding in MIL. She is a sweet person who really wants us to stay together. Then you are lucky to have her in your life.
She has had a tough life and perhaps she just wants the path of least resistance for her daughter, but she does also believe my wife and I could use some relationship tools DO YOU believe that^^? B/C that's what matters. Not your mil's perceptions.
and make each other happier than either one of couod imagine. But you are all righ. Enough is enough. I dont want wife to ever find out and feek we ganged up on her. Im still holding out for a loving, uncoerced decision to return to our marriage.
So help me! How do I purge this fatherly thing? How can I do that? An suggestions or things to practice? I have made several suggestions to you about therapy, and the Essential Experience workshop and personal growth for YOU.
I Also said GAL b/c that would greatly reduce the obsessing and the "research" you keep doing.
You have either ignored the suggestions, or "explained" why you cannot do them...
I need to understand all the ways that I am doing that, so I can recognize when I ak doing it. It may seem obvious to all of you, but to me its not so obvious.
Thanks for the help everyone!
we only identify behaviors you describe. We dont' live with you. So we can only go by the bits and pieces you post here. That limits us of course.
But our culture offers resources and tools for you to get. They are NOT all in books. That's why I've stressed "experiential workshops" the most. They are not lectures or articles. They reveal the real you and show you how you can change. A great therapist can do some of this too...with a lot of time...and I don't know how much time or money you have for it.
Last edited by dbmod; 03/20/1312:03 AM. Reason: Reference not recommended nor allowed
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The reason why you feel like you are getting "beaten up" is because you keep insisting that you've changed, understand her needs, understand everything, etc. Yet you post something like this..." But there is no doubt none of them were serious enough to leave me over."
Just to clear the air, that's why people are so frustrated with you. It's because you keep preaching (and yes it does come across as preaching) about DB yet you haven't actively done it. In fact, you spend more time debating and defending yourself on here than actually writing out your goals.
Then you ask questions and when people respond to something that you don't agree with, you tell them they're wrong, laugh it off, then tell everyone to stick to the subject. I mean, you spent a lengthy period talking about how your W's meds had an impact on what she's doing, and that her doc told you this, etc.; then you say that it's because of your lack of sexual interest and not validating her and that the meds have nothing to do with your situation.
You contradict yourself left and right, and instead of going back to what YOU wrote, you "correct" those who post to you responding to something that YOU wrote.
Okay, forget all the theories, preaching, etc. because they are frustrating as h@ll to get through to you.
And by the way "a WAW normally wants to leave tbe husband, not the family. In other words, she is taking the kids with her. My wife has said more than once that she is leaving D3 with me. In her fantasy she lives with OM alone. Despite her wanting more kids up until 3 weeks before BD, she now wants to be single again. This is more of CRISIS type behavior acccording to my DB coach. "
Not to go against your coach, but we've seen WAWs leave their family on these boards all the time. So that isn't necessarily true.
What are your goals? And I mean measurable actions that you can do within two weeks that you can achieve in your R. And how much of your GAL have you actually done from that long list you wrote earlier.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
