Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So close I can taste it...

SM

-I think you're doing the daddy thing too, but of course, we could ALL be wrong. You posted about the success you were having with your w, in a way that made me think you wanted to say "I told you so!" But hey, SM, we're rooting for you but I thought you were a bit premature in celebrating. Turns out, that's true. Bottom line is, we see you making mistakes that WE made. All we're trying to say is, 'learn from us.'

Also, you gave us this history before. The thing missing now, is the part where you played a role in this.

You told us before that SHE told you she needed more intimacy and attention from you but you were too busy and worked late. You said you were "working late/too much/business was not going well and so she wasn't complimenting you enough and that hurt your confidence so you didn't show interest in her, etc..."

where is all that in this latest history? I'm a big supporter of being as loving & compassionate as possible with a WAS, but I feel like you're in denial.

Anyhow....SO...back to your GAL,

are you DOING anything new or different than before?

Yeah, that really surprises me as well. Not to mention it's bound to come off looking very controlling and manipulative to the W.

SM,

I don't want to come across as piling it on. Your thread jumped out at me, and TBH I have only read through this most recent thread.

However, I am going to agree with the others. It appears you are expending a lot of effort to control the situation. I think your W needs some space to sort things out. Give her a little bit of room to breathe, and she may see you in a different light.

Coming from a recovering control freak , backing off some may do YOU some good, too. It's very stressful trying to control something you can't control.

I understand how you might feel the meds are to blame. I was on a ton of meds, and more AD's than your W. I was even on Zoloft for a period of time. It would be very easy for me to blame my EA on the fact I was over medicated and at one time four of those meds were basically AD's. Every time I went to a new doctor, I would be abruptly taken off all the AD's at once, or more added. There was no tapering down. So, yes, I can understand. I don't use it as my excuse for what I did.....but I understand.

But tell me this, if her therapist thought she was having some type of manic (or any type of unusual reaction) to the Zoloft, why in the world would he/she renew your W's prescription? After all these months and she's still taking a prescription her therapist was that concerned about? The dosage was never changed? She never returned, and yet those refills were authorized by the therapist? Seems to me, you would have pursued doing something about that therapist.

Consider the following as food for thought...






Sociopaths think the same way - think highly of themselves and that everybody loves them. No, I'm not calling you a sociopath, but, most of your previous posts DO indicate, at least, a lack of humility and a definite high opinion of yourself.

I've never met someone who was just a 'little arrogant', and from your posts, you don't seem just a 'little arrogant' either. While I do not know you personally, and cannot make that claim for certain, if numerous people are seeing a personality trait, then maybe you might want to give it some consideration. If we see it thru forum posts, there's no doubt other people much closer to you see as well.

Also, along with some others, I agree that you certainly seem to want to control everything. None of the above is conducive to successful DBing...

I can almost guarantee you the Zoloft didn't start this ball rolling for your wife. Depending on the person, it should have taken three to six weeks for the increased dosage for her to notice the difference in her system - not just a few days. She was already processing all of her negative feelings before the BD - the initial prescription probably made her able to finally express what she had been feeling for a long time.






From what you wrote, can we assume you were present in the therapy sessions in which she praised your existence? Pardon the sarcasm, but, that's exactly how your post reads. Read between the lines - my W has made a similar comment about me, but, she still has her reasons for wanting out of the M - whether she truly realizes what those are or not - and that's a battle the WAS/MLCer has to fight on their own. No amount of input/help/controlling behavior from the LBS will make the process occur any faster.

Having gone back and re-read earlier posts, I see you were present. Whether you wish to acknowledge it or not, that in itself is a controlling act. Unless the C wanted to talk to me specifically, there's no way I'd consider sitting in on a session that's supposed to be for my W.

Also, as 25 pointed out, there does seem to be conflicting accounts in your story. Go back and read what you've written to see that point. There's a LOT of good advise being given, I'm just not sure it's getting thru...

^^^^Exactly. It is not possible to make sense out of the thoughts of a WAS. Even the WAS doesn't understand a lot of their own thoughts and actions. They can call you the greatest spouse and parent ever and STILL want out of the M.



^^^^I totally agree with this too, and I can recognize it when I see it because that was me. I think SM is about as extreme an example as I've seen of it on these forums, but most of us have had at least a little bit of that "I don't understand why this is happening because I was a good H and father" attitude. It is important to drop the ego so we can take a good, hard look at ourselves and really start the difficult work it takes to make ourselves attractive again and into a better spouse and person.

25 you bring up some questions. I havent forgotten you and im not ignoring you. I want to think about all that has been said, especially the father figure part and get back to you.

I like to spend sometime thinking of my responses so I can dig deep, I know you all mentioned before that I answer too quickly without thinking it through.

I will list my 180s again and how well they are going. But honestly GAL to meet new people has not gone so well. I GAL a lot of stuff with D3 and spend time reading my MBA book, but aside from the meditation class I went to 2 aeeks ago its been crap honestly.

The meditation class is on again in 2 hours so I may go again.

Look out for a post that addresses the question 'what did I do to cause this sitch, and where did it go from yesterdays refresher post about our M history'. Later tonight.

By the way 25, thank you for coming back to help me out, thought I had lost you. I have been following your thread and even posted on there about how much respect I have for you. Truely an amazing woman.

Ok wow. I am posting from my phone and I guesss the page wasnt refreshing. Before posting my oost to 25, her post was the only one showing. Now I see countless other ones since then.

I skim read them because I am in the car going home. But I will re read all of them and try to address sandi, another stander blake, and anyone else I missed...

I appreciate all the interest guys. I really do. Like I said earlier in this thread, I need some motivation. I love my wife very much and miss her terribly, and just need some of you kind folks to remind me to keep it together, keep fighting this honorable fight, and I like to hear that I can do this! Because honestly I have my doubts some days

Ok everyone. Take care and I will be sure to respond as soon as I can have some alone time with the laptop.

SM I don't think you should post as soon as you can. You really should take a few days to really let these posts sink in because every one of them rings true about you. The answers you seek are right before your very eyes yet you continue to brush them aside.

You are thwarting your own progress. MWD says not to pursue WAS yet you continue to do so,why? How is pursuing working out for you? We are told to GAL yet you really don't GAL and have many excuses for not GAL, why? We are told not focus on our WAS yet your focus is 100% on her and OM, why and exactly how is that working out for you?

You say you were selfless in your M but does your W think that, only she really knows. You admit to being arrogant and others see it in your posts. I would be willing to bet that you don't think you are outwardly arrogant but I bet those who know you personally would say otherwise and I wouldn't be surprised if that arrogance manifested itself in your M.

You seem to believe that you had a great M but I'm telling you that your W thinks otherwise. If she didn't then you wouldn't be here. I think you are still in denial that there were underlying issues in your M and that you were apart of those issues. Swallow your pride SM its getting in the way of you making progress and if you don't watch out it will be your downfall.

Leo, I will take your advise and spend a couple days thinking about all of this. Especialy the father figure part because that seems quite important.

Just briefly though, a few comments...

I like to think I think highly of myself. That might be arrogance but to me the word arrogance has a negative connotation. So when I say I dont think people who know me personally, especially my wife, would say I was arrogant. They would say I think highly of myself in the way that I have high self esteem and self worth. But I have those same feelings for my wife.

When I said 'she knows a good thing when she sees it' it was phrased like that because I was talking from my wifes perspective. From my perspective I would say we BOTH know we have someone special.

The reason for pursuing is something we have covered before. Michelle says to act as if, but only if the WAS is not claiming neglect. That is indeed what is going on in my sitch.

Am I running away from my marital faults that I contributed? Absolutely not. I didnt ever pursue my wife...hardly showed her she was important to me. I told her but never showed her. Thats what I am trying to do now as a 180.

There were a few things wife said were negatives about me during BD and the days surrounding. I have addressed them as bezt I can, and still working hard at them. But there is no doubt none of them were serious enough to leave me over. The sex and sexual pursuing or lack thereof is the deal breaker. She even in our recent chat that she wishes I had pursued like this before. She didnt mention she wishes I had fixed the kitchen cabinets, dressed nicer etc.. back then. Those are added bonuses of the new me of course.

I have no dillusions of having had the perfect marriage. Not at all. There is always room for improvement. Do I blame the meds only for my sitch? No, I have said before it was lack of sexual pursual. Not even lack of frequency because I think my wife would not leave me because we make love twice a wek I stead of four. Its because I never said hey you look darn fine, go put something sexy on and meet me in the bedroom in 5 mins...and hurry! You know what I mean?

So its not that I think I have nothing to work on, there are definitely things I want to fix for myself. Adinva and I explored a lot of things I can work on, and she liked how I dug deep and even added things that I didnt like about myself that wife never complained about. I am working on those, and I believe 25 is still waiting for a recap of those and the updates of how I am doing with them.

Any marriage has its issues. Some more than others. Every person has their breaking point, some peole further than others. In my case all I am saying is that our marriage had less issues than some, and one of us (my wife) had a breaking point closer than mine. The meds in my opinion brought that breaking point closer even than before. If you read some studies of ssri, it has been shown that the area of the brain most influenced is the 'give a f $#k' center, so when you lose that you may act on things that you originally thought didnt deserve a divorce. Doesnt mean they were not issuez, just that you might have been dealing with them, and all of a sudden you dont care to deal with them anymore.

Leo I think you have been very loyal to me and helping me. I do appreciate that immensely. And although your 2x4s sometimes feel more like a ton of bricks, I understand you have the best intentions. Like you said, many of you would like to see me fix my M, and you have no idea how much that means to me. You all are not my second family right. You are my first! I have not been able to confide in any of my family members because I come from a culture where there would be no way back into the M for my wife. Since I lived with western folks my whole life, my own ideals will allow me to move past this, but my eastern valued family would not.

That is also why sometimes when I post I write with a certain arrogance that I always claim I dont do in person. Its kind of that conversation you might have with your brother where yoh tell him whats going on and then both of you spend a few minutes saying how your wife will never find someone as good as you, and she should be kissing your butt to forgive her. I do t have those convos with anyone, and have no one to boost me up like that. So perhaps I am subconsciously looking for that here, and so in an attempt to solicit a response like that from you all, I come of very arrogant. I need to focus on showing my humility. You all do t know how much time I spent thinking I am not worthy of my wifes love. I didnt show her how much she meant to me. I thought by working hard and buying her a nice house and a brand new car and a closet full of expensive clothes, that I was being a good lover. All she needed was a damn hug and a compliment! Its painful bro. It [censored]! Im a great guy but she needed that! And I dint blame her one bit. Every wife deserves to feel sexy.....and I need to work on that..big time. When this is all fixed, I want her to know she is the most beautifuk person I have ever laid eyes on.