She called me... so I was trying to keep communication with her open.... but your right... the min she started to blame my daughter I should have ended the conversation right then and there... I should have kept my mouth shut about the OM.... I am better than this.... I am trying so hard to do this... I am sorry for not being stronger... I want this to work.. I really do.. I will read and re read this until it sinks in.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
So do you suggest then that I don't have any or next to no contact with her until I am able to properly detach from her?
Ya she is blaming my daughter for her unhappiness... and her daughters unhappiness... and she told me that's why she was staying out partying and not wanting to come home because my D was here..... the thing is so was her D... but that didn't seem to matter much.....
My daughter came from a very different lifestyle... So we knew she would have some adjusting when she came her... my daughter stole $40 from her daughter only after a month of being here.... then she lied about it before owning up to it... then she was sneaking some food and lying about it.... both times she was punished and dealt with.... but other than that her attitude is good.. she's very polite... more the the book worm type... about 20 lbs over weight.. Her daughter is more the barbie type... really girlie girl... ...... They have always gotten along in the past... but my daughter had only been around a couple of times in the past couple of years... . ... she and her mom lived 8hrs away and when her mom sensed she wanted to come live with me she stopped allowing me to have regular visits... So what connection they had before when they were little started to go away.. . Her daughter had always been the only child in the house.... So when mine came to live with us her daughter wasn't happy about it... she was just going into her first year of high school and felt like all the attention had been taking off of her with D showing up days before school started.... so my D stealing from her D made a bad situation worse....
so when it comes to 180's both my D and I need to do them. but she needs more help.... she will start counselling next month when she turns 16
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
So do you suggest then that I don't have any or next to no contact with her until I am able to properly detach from her?
IF you cannot handle having a conversation with her, then do NOT have one.
My real suggestion is to learn how to have one. But if you know you can't, then don't. When the time finally comes when you think you can, then Stay on topic, whatever it is, and be upbeat and polite and END the conversation first.
Not rudely, but b/c you have things to do, places to go, people to meet, GAL etc.. Ya she is blaming my daughter for her unhappiness... and her daughters unhappiness... What specifically does she SAY? Not what you think she means, but her actual words? Do not let her blame your d anymore.
You have be open to the possibility that your version of the marriage was not accurate, just as hers isn't.
Later on, if she's still not happy, she won't be able to blame you or your d, b/c you won't be obstacles in her life. So then what??
THEN she'll have to examine her choices. Not with you pointing out the wrongness of the choices. Just with her and her thoughts...figuring it out.
Meanwhile if you dont' know what she's talking about, or you think it's unfair or inaccurate, instead of assuming she is wrong, you say: "W, wow, I don't recall it that way, but I'm sorry you were hurt/unhappy. If we had it to do over again, there are lots of things we could do differently".
IF she describes something accurately or fairly, that hurt her, and there's some validity to her claim or you just screwed up, then you say "W, I'm so sorry about that. IF I had it all to do over again, I'd do LOTS of things differently & for sure THAT Would be one of them."
see how neither answer escalates?
Each answer also shows you'd change something, so it would not happen again.
In the first example, you are not admitting to something you didn't do or feel was wrong, but you are willing to explore it and work on the issues in a new different/better way.
In the second example, you are showing her that YOU GET IT, and you would do things differently and that you are sorry for how you hurt her.
this makes it safer to be around you without you being a doormat.
and she told me that's why she was staying out partying and not wanting to come home because my D was here..... the thing is so was her D... but that didn't seem to matter much..... this^^^ is just noise. There is no connection between your d OR her d,
and her present choice to party all night. It's a nonsensical conversation. You can say you "dont' see the connection" but the real point is, stop letting your d get blamed AND GET OFF THE PHONE....politiely, but get off. Do not engage. It does you no good.
"W, sorry I don't see ANY connection between our d's and you partying all night w/a guy who is about their age --I just don't-- BUT I GOTTA GO NOW ANYHOW... so we'll see you later, you have a nice night, bye." AND GET OFF THE PHONE.
And don't lecture her. When you use your parental voice, you close down her own little inner voice. She ends up defending herself instead of looking at herself.
I have to assume you pressed her about something b/c why would she bring up HER partying?? Doesn't matter now. Just get off the phone. Have I said that often enough now?
Did you read the "Rules for Newbies"? Did you read the detachment piece? I just posted them to you. PLEASE, LET THOSE WORDS SINK IN...
My daughter came from a very different lifestyle... So we knew she would have some adjusting when she came her... What does that^^ mean? Is this a vague way of saying your d came from a place lacking a moral compass? I don't know a 'lifestyle" that teaches you to steal from your stepsister...unless that is what your ex w taught her.
HOW DID YOU HELP YOUR D TO ADJUST?
And btw, did your d have any money of her own? Did your d have an allowance or some source of recreational funds? What about compared to the step D?
Anything of your d's in your house? Anything of her own?
Was she placed in a secondary position to your stepD? (sure sounds like it) You seem to suggest a position of inferiority for your d, compared to your w's d. Yet it seems as if you did nothing to stop it or to help it. Like it was all on your w's shoulders or your d's.
And you have not yet answered my many questions about the way the situation was created in the first place.
I don't mean to hit you with too many 2 x 4s. It's just that too much of your posts deal w/your w and d, & almost none of them deal with you GAL or 180s...
did you really read the DB books? YOU MUST read them and re-read them.
my daughter stole $40 from her daughter only after a month of being here.... then she lied about it before owning up to it... then she was sneaking some food and lying about it.... both times she was punished and dealt with.... 1) what did she say about the theft of money? Did you think she was truly sorry? was she humiliated in front of your step d and w?
2) why would she sneak food? THAT is unusual disturbing behavior and by disturbing, I mean, sad. Why did you punish her for taking food, if she ate the food? Was it steak or lobster? I mean, it seems as if she was hungry...and how did you punish her for taking food? but other than that her attitude is good.. she's very polite... more the the book worm type... about 20 lbs over weight.. why are you mentioning her weight? She's 15 y/o. Every girl varies with her weight at that age. The only problem is when someone focusses on it...is there a connection with her weight and taking food or what? I'm confused.
Her daughter is more the barbie type... really girlie girl... so you mean, "her d is better"? I feel as if you and or your w have put them in a competitive situation just by how you described them, and you still call your step d, your "w's d". What's up with that? I can see why your own d would resent the comparisons b/c they sure do favor the step d.
Your step d calls you. She misses you. I asked you about that and you've still not answered me. Do YOU reach out to her or not? ...... They have always gotten along in the past... but my daughter had only been around a couple of times in the past couple of years... then that's^^ not significant is it? "They always got along"....but my d had only been around a couple of times...". You don't really know if they get along. They were not together often. I think your w pitied your d...maybe. But when your d came into the picture you let your w handle it all.
Somehow you don't sound as if you were very involved and the sneaking food and being punished botheres me as does your comment about her weight. If she were obese then as a health matter I could it you mentioining it. But 20 lbs at that age is nothing. Yet you mention it and then describe your w's d as "barbie type" which I will assume is flattering? (OR did you mean she's stupid?) I'm being sincere.
. ... she and her mom lived 8hrs away and when her mom sensed she wanted to come live with me she stopped allowing me to have regular visits... So what connection they had before when they were little started to go away.. . Her daughter had always been the only child in the house.... So when mine came to live with us her daughter wasn't happy about it... she was just going into her first year of high school and felt like all the attention had been taking off of her with D showing up days before school started....
I'm confused. You have to name them or something b/c I don't know which girl did what or who you are referring to....
BUT I DO know you are doing a ton of mind reading here and psycho analysis and not all of it has to do with YOU NOW...and btw, who cares if your step d was about to start high school? YOUR d was about to start school too, right? and IN A NEW AREA? So they BOTH needed lots of attention, right? Your step d has a father right? So HE pays attention to her as well, Your d has....you....
You know I have 3 kids...most families have more than one kid..this is not a "hardship". so my D stealing from her D made a bad situation worse....
"bad situation"...what bad situation? You mean getting custody made a "bad situation"?
And it's your d stealing from HER STEP SISTER that is upsetting.
(Can you perhaps Stop saying "w's d" and "my d"? To me it seems to keep the whole competitive scenario going.
THAT dynamic was a major problem for them, imo.
I think that may have lead to the stealing b/c your d was made to feel like an interloper and you allowed or created that. Your role & duty as HER FATHER came before your role as a h to your 2nd w).
What do you think about that ^^ comment?
so when it comes to 180's both my D and I need to do them. but she needs more help.... she will start counselling next month when she turns 16
Excuse me? Your d needs counselling b/c of the horrible position she was put into by you, her mother and your w.
AND YOU DO NOT understand 180s if you think your d needs to do them.
YOUR 180s are your work to do. ON YOU.
Leave your poor d alone. Do YOUR WORK on YOU to become the man YOU ought to become.
FWIW, I've never seen a parent come on here and say their child needs to do some 180s. Not once.
SHE IS NOT YOUR W"S PROBLEM...she's not here trying to save YOUR marriage, nor should she be, you are.
Let her be a teenager b/c as it is, she's been made to transplant into her father's home b/c God only knows what she left in her mother's home, she was made to feel unwelcome and inferior in her own father's home, she got blamed for the failure of her father's marriage and for the desertion by her step mother,
she's been critisized and compared to "barbie" (which is enough to make any girl go over the edge,) and now you want HER to work on herself FOR YOUR MARRIAGE? You are missing a whole lot of reality.
IF your w truly left you because she does not like your d, (which I do not believe)
then let her go. Man up and be the father your d deserves.
Worry LATER about your w...let her go party w/a boy who ought to be dating girls closer to your d's age...and you protect your daughter. Someone has to.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She says that she doesn't feel comfortable in the house anymore... like there is a stranger living in the basement... for the first month when my daughter came here my W was down there for a half hour at bed time talking to her about her day... making sure she was good... even after the stealing thing she was still ok. but the more stress she was getting with school and started to hang out more and staying out later for drinks after school she then would start saying that she didn't feel comfortable with my D in the house.. because she steals and sneaks food. wonders what else she is up too.... and she said that her D didn't want to invite friends over anymore because she didn't want my D around her friends. kid stuff..
My daughter came here with nothing... we went out and bought her all new clothes.. an Iphone. stuff like that... but no she didn't have any money of her own.. we found out later she took the money because she was buying some of her new friends at school lunch to try to make and impress new friends... she started at a new high school and didn't know anyone so she was trying to make friends..
after that we found that out I gave her money so she could have her own spending money.
My D did come from a house hold where stealing and lying were the norms there... or would watch her mom do it and get away with it all the time... she's an awesome kid considering what she came out of.... and I am extremely proud of her...
no I wasn't trying to imply that my daughter is inferior at all.. I was trying to show the difference between them.. two different characteristics ... that's all... by no means do I think that...
I did not punish her for taking the food.. I think she uses it as comfort... but I did punish her for lying about it... she would take it.. .then deny it and afterwards admit too... I am working on her honesty.. again at her moms this was normal behavior... but I keep telling her that's not how things work at my house... if you want something ... take it.. she doesn't have to hide...
I do believe she was truly sorry for stealing the money.... she was embarrassed when she came out and admitted it..
Yes the step daughter misses me.. and does call me.... my W is nervous about letting her see me because she thinks I am going to tell her about catching my W with the OM....which I would never do!.. she's a child.... her daughter still thinks they are friends and he is rarely at their house when step d is at home... usually goes there on the weekends when step d is at a sleep over or at her dads house.... the step d isn't really that close with her dad... she has always been much closer to me than her father... so I do believe there was also a bit of a jealousy issue when my daughter came...
Yes I agree they both needed attention because they were both starting high school.....
I agree that I need to be a better father... and I am trying so hard... in the beginning I was trying to make sure that everyone was happy with the new living conditions.... I am involved with the raising and rules for the kids.. I don't leave it all up to my W at all... I work from 6 am and get home at 530 everyday... and half day on saturdays.. when I am not at work I am home.. so it's not like I wasn't coming home at night... I was gone enough already.. so naturally my W did have to take on most of responsibilities and problems with the kids... as well as trying to study for nursing. I know it was a lot to deal with.
I think my writing skills may not be the best because some of the things you are misinterpreting... when I said about my daughter doing 180's I meant it as starting her new life... building a new life together with me.. and knowing that they can't be anymore lying.. stealing... stuff like that.. it was me using a bad choice of words... that's all.. I love my daughter very much and want only the best for her... please know that my number one goal is her. and her being happy.. she tells me all the time that coming to live with me has saved her life.... I take that very seriously...
No I don't believe my wife left at all because of my D... but since we didn't have any major issues in our M... she choose to blame her need to run and start a new life and the affair on my daughter and her being unhappy in the house...
again I can't explain this enough... .my W before this year was never like this.. would never talk like this.. or put blame on anyone let alone my D... someone who she has watched grow over and loved over the years. My W was just as happy as I was when D came to live with us. W went from being one person to another.. If W had ever been like this before towards D we would have been done a long time again... same as I would never mistreat step d
you are hitting me 2X4's...... keep them coming... I clearly need it..
BTW. I did just get the DB book..
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
You have to name the parties or I can't tell who you are talking about.
[quote=Negril72]She says that she your wife or your d?
doesn't feel comfortable in the house anymore... like there is a stranger living in the basement... for the first month when my daughter came here my W was down there for a half hour at bed time talking to her about her day... making sure she was good... even after the stealing thing she was still ok. but the more stress she was getting with school and started to hang out more and staying out later for drinks after school she then would start saying that she didn't feel comfortable with my D in the house.. so your d began staying out for drinks after school OR your w did?? Just name one of them now & then so it's clear. More later...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
ok sorry... My D will be Kiley.... and W was the one who stayed out after school and not coming home till sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning..
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
so we'll see you later, you have a nice night, bye." AND GET OFF THE PHONE.