Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Stuck..how do I get out???

We can have a good day but he still says im the reason he leaves. I am so over all of this already. He has destroyed everything good about our relationship. If i had money id leave by now. Yest he made a comment bout him being my best friend still. At this point he makes me cry every day...leaves me n kids n i am his best friend??? He is so confused. I hope one day he will see what he did and finally feel some remorse.

Tired, I get what you're saying. It's confusing. But mizjd offered some fantastic advice. Listen to the message behind the words. For example, when he blames you for causing him to do things, what is it you believe? Do you believe you made him not like you? Do you believe that because of your actions he is not happy? I mean, really? Do you have that power over somebody else?

I heard many times all kinds of stories. I once (many times really) heard my ex tell me it was not me, it was her. I heard her tell me it was because of how I was with the kids. She left on Mother's day and left the kids with me. I heard her tell me it was because of her childhood. I heard her tell me... the list goes on.

She blames me. She will continue to do that until she no longer does. Whether I'm in the picture or not. For background we've been divorced (final) for almost two years. Her new husband and she live three blocks away. I don't talk to her. I rarely see her. She told me recently I'm bitter, narcisstic, bi-polar, and a horrible father. This is the same woman who does not want to cooperatively parent. I have rarely spoken to her in 4 years.

This is the same woman who told me that she wanted to be friends. Then told me she never loved me (we were married 20 years) and didn't want to live in a loveless marriage. She tells me every chance she gets (which I keep to few) how happy she is and recently, how much more successful she is without my influence.

My point is that it is nothing to do with me. I haven't had input in her life in years. I have not influenced her thoughts or actions in years (that I know of anyway.)

It's not about me. Just as it's not about you.

You are too close to the situation to see things at this point. So take my advice and detach. As you do, in your own head challenge the ideas he puts out there about you. Those that are real, you may or may not want to change. But for all the rest, it is not real to anyone other than your H.

He is trying to rationalize his own behavior and feelings. He is doing that against the only background he knows - you.

As you go through this, and like it or not you are going to go through this, you'll begin to see there is pain behind his actions. Pain you did NOT cause. Pain he is trying to figure out and as close as you are, he is taking it out on you.

If you stop listening to that jumble and listen to the message behind the words, you'll see things differently. As much as it hurts, you cannot argue or reason with him. He can't fathom it even if he hears you. It's not won't, but can't. And you'll feel some of his pain as long as you try to reason with him and don't get out of the way. It feels personal, but it's not.

Take another look at Cadet's posting. There's some really good information there. I feel for you. I know how tough it is. But be encouraged and read some more. There is a silver lining.

Peace,
AJ

So you do normally sit with him? (I'm guessing. I used to almost always lie against my H on the couch while we had TV time. I stopped doing this in the last few months, after the bd. But he told me just the other day I "Never did that.")

Its really hard for me to stop correcting my H when he says these crazy things.

Because, well, they're crazy.

But to H they're right as rain and if I contradict him then there's words, hurt feelings etc.

So I try to look at it this way.

H is never going to convince me I am the person he thinks I am. Never ever. Because I KNOW he's wrong.

I am never going to convince H I am the person I know I am. Never ever. Because he KNOWS I'm wrong.

Do you get that? For everyone, perception is reality. No sense arguing. Like looking at a painting. You say its beautiful. I say its ugly. Same painting, but we perceive it differently. And we can each argue our point of view, but in the end we're unlikely to change each other's minds.

When we tell the MLCer they're WRONG or CRAZY, its an insult. It dismisses their opinions and beliefs.

Its very difficult, but try to step back and while listening to your H remember "that's H's opinion, H's perception"

So how could you have responded to your H's comments? (For that matter, how did you respond?)

Maybe you could say "Huh, I didn't know you felt that way."

If you just can't stomach being told up is down and black is white, find a non confrontational maxim.

"I see/remember that differently"

And change the subject - leave the room - walk the dog - come here and share your latest experience.

But give H's feelings respect.

So you're a messy houser too? Its one of my 180's. I mean, we're not talking hoarderland here, but its not Martha Stewart either. Probably shows how I have always tried to do too much and not insisted other's take responsibility. The mess is a valid complaint from my H. This whole sitch has lately revealed to me that the same role I've played in damaging our marriage shows in my house. But amazingly, not in the way I first thought. Had an epiphany the other day.... hold on to your hat because its a doozy..... THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE!! Yep. FIVE ABLE BODIED FULL GROWN HUMANS. So why is it "my" house that's messy? Why isn't it H's? Why have I, for TWENTY YEARS, thought that it was all MY fault?

Don't have all the answers yet, but I'm beginning to find the questions.

Hi tired,

Have been reading along, and I really do feel for you. I know the pain you're going through.

I love to write quotes down that I find motivating, inspirational, and insightful. I refer back to them in tough times.

This one made me think of you -

"Sometimes they (MLCer) twist grains of truth to manipulate you to get what they want."

And we may not always know at the time what they want. Could be to shift blame. Could be to make themselves feel better. Could be to control you. Really, we may never know.

I got the whole list of grievances too, and of course initially I did take the blame. But... Then I started to notice some things not related to our M.

The biggest thing was how my H treated our children. This once loving father was distant and irritated, totally uninterested in our little ones.

Since then, I have noticed he likes different music, wears different clothes, associates with different people, and acts like a stranger in many ways.

I know this is tough to do, but I think this is important - take a step back and look at your H objectively. What do you notice that is different or strange about him? Some things will be subtle, and others will be blaringly obvious.

Just remember, it is not you no matter what he says. And he may say a lot of things.

It's hard living with them, believe me, I know! But I will tell you, you will see all the craziness and irrational thinking/behaviors that he will not be able to hide. You will have your eyes opened when you least expect it.

Hang in there, do what you need to do for you and your kids.

Take it day by day

mizjjd...I normally will sit and watch tv but in the past he complained that I wouldn't spend enough time with him and ignorned him. I never ignored him but after working all day full time running an alzheimer's nursing home, I was busy with the kids, helping them with homework, giving them baths, getting them ready for bed, etc. while he just sat around watching television and it was impossible for me to break free to do so. Now they are a little older and I have some free time at night to sit and watch with him. I've been saying from the start that perception is reality. I guess what hurts so much is that his reality is that it is my fault. I take some responsibility but I just dont' think anything I've ever done to him compares to the all the pain he has caused. The ends don't justify the means. I try and remind myself of this but as I said prior, he really hurts me with the stuff he says. BTW..house is messy and I hate it but I work and he is home all day. He could help pick up and clean but he never does. It is easier to blame me for the house and the mess than to just do something.

AJM...thanks for the feedback. It is hard to see it when you are so close to the situation.

Takevowsserious...my H used to be a good father but he is no longer good to the kids either. He is also very irritated with them all the time. Especially my older child. He screams at thim all the time. It is so odd how these MLC men can just change and not just to their spouses but to their children as well. My H had a bad childhood and hated his parents for it. But, now he has basically become them.

This past weekend was one of the worst. He left Fri night, came home 6AM Sat. Small argument about it on Sat morning then he tried cudding with me and doing things around the house. At 3PM on Sat he asked me to pick stuff up off the floor because he was going to buy more carpet cleaner and said when he got back in a little while we would clean the rest of the carpets. Well, no return, no call. At 11AM on Sun had to take the S8 to emergency room. Nothing awful..turns out he sprained his foot. No call or text from H til 3:30PM asking where we were. I didn't respond and by 4PM when we got home he was gone again and didn't return until 7AM the next morning. I'm so sick of this. Cried all day Monday. Taking everyone's advise to heart...detaching ASAP. No more cuddling, I'm not calling him anymore other than about kids, trying not to talk to much to him unless necessary and working on myself and finding myself again.

Dear Tiredanddrained,
Our situations are very similar. I am just learning to detach, and to accept the situation as it is. My H dropped the bomb December 6th (I guess), it was hell. Now I am calmer. But I also get some help from modern medicine. I continue my life, so he does. We take care of the kids. I do not make any contact with him unless he initiates it, and I keep it very limited (very good advice I learned from here).
Stay put. If you need to cry, cry when he is not around so that you don't explode around him. Keep make-up on, so he won't know you have been crying. Crying, begging, reasoning, they do not work, they just push him away, try not to forget that...
Love.

Ok..just an observation on my H...in the morn he is nice and happy n gets more n more cranky n nasty as day goes on. This morn he climbed into bed w me n cuddled. By evening he talking bout moving out n how he won't sleep w me for a reason n told me i follow him around house. This is completely untrue n I've not even been near him all day. My mil keeps calling me. Avoiding her. Apparently told her we divorcing. Not sure what to say to her. Still trying to detach. He makes things so confusing. Sometimes he is nice n i catch him talking bout our future n other times he nasty n clearly leaving.

One more thing...just venting..im here w husband..letting him stay while he has no job n he going to just bail once he gets a job. I feel like im a dope for continuing to try n he just going to leave. I know everyone tells me not to listen to his misplaced blame but he did so much damage destroyed our family n it hurts so much whe an he acts like he can't get out soon enough when he caused everything. He actually stayed home this weekend. Might be the cause of his anger tonight. Maybe his plans got ruined. One other crazy behavior to note...he takes several baths a day for hrs ea time. I haven't been able to figure out why.

Figure out why he takes so many baths? I doubt he even knows and I suggest not trying to figure out that behavior. Think of it as a quirk for now. Mine did all manner of odd things like that and likely doesn't remember doing it. At the time she thought it was perfectly normal. They live in their own world. It's par for the course on this journey

You aren't a dope for doing what you're doing. You should look at yourself and figure out what your goals are so you can see if your actions line up with them. I think that will help immensely. At least with your sanity.

Peace,
AJ

Hey TnD.

Just checking in. It sounds like you are still in a very bad painful place. Hang in there, you will have better days.

AJM is right - set some goals for you to focus on. Turning the spotlight OFF the MLC makes it a little easier for the LBS to cope with.

I'd like to hear about some of your goals.