Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis ~need advice with going dark~

Thanks for the advice when it comes to my friends and family... I know they are looking at me like a I am crazy for even feeling pity for my W... The only reason why I do feel so bad for her.. because my old W would have kicked the new W a$$ for what she is doing now.... they aren't kidding when they say "mirror image"

I feel I could wait two years.. and to be honest I think I am going to need at least a year to re-build myself anyways.. I have to take care of #1 first... without it there is no 2 3 or 4.


my biggest fear... well it's already happen.. she's gone... but accepting it is the hard part.. that's what makes it real

Negril

if this behavior is so out of character for her, then I think there's a LITTLE more hope than with regular WAWs.

I resist labels a lot b/c I myself, wasted too much time on wondering about my h's MLC and whether that's what it was. Why did he feel the obsessive NEED to live in Alaska and the wilds, and how could he believe THAT would make him/us happy, etc. And those questions were the ones I asked when I felt decent.

When I was angry, which I was for some time, I resented him deeply. I hated
what I saw as selfishness that was far beyond what I could ever do to our kids or marriage.

And that^^ viewpoint, got me nowhere...I had 3 (three!) Mc's tell my h he was being "Selfish" and "acting like he had no family to consider". I'd feel vindicated and "right".

But it changed nothing in h. So what do I do with my being right??

DBing was what changed my mindset, and a workshop I had attended years earlier, I went back to and did 'Team" (help other newbies) and that got me back on track to taking charge of MY LIFE.

Like you, I have children and they are watching your reaction to this setback.

I don't know what happened to your ex, or how she handled losing custody. But now your d has the chance to see how YOU handle your setback. I pray that you make your d the priority here and that she gets to see a c and not feel responsible for any of this IF she's not.

At age 15, she's responsible for choices she makes, so if she's mouthy or if she triangulates (or causes problems between your w and ex, ) that has to stop.

Are your d's close to each other at all? Where is your sd now?

Finally, saying you complimented her for 9 years and it made no difference, that you'd tell her she looks beautiful in pjs and dressed up, does NOT mean she can't take a compliment.

Compliments from some h's are like pulling teeth. If the w doesn't beam with joy at a vague comment, the h gives up b/c he's not getting enough credit. I'm NOT saying you did that but some h's do. I posted to SM and suckerpunch about this.

Compliments require some specificity or they're not credible. Saying "you look great" isn't exactly a labor intensive compliment. I mean on one hand it's not rocket science but otoh, put a little thought into a compliment and make it count. Even if YOU don't get a payoff, that's not the point is it?

And even if you do not SEE her gratitude, don't discount that it exists.

WHY does she look great? By keeping her body in good shape? B/C her eye color is brought out by the blouse or scarf? Which outfit truly flatters her?

Don't say "you look great in ANYTHING" b/c even if you think it's true, it's sort of lazy to say. At least say what she looks even greater in...make sense?

Is she a good mother? Compliment that. "You sure are a good listener to d, and that's one of the reasons she trusts you/you're so close", etc.

is she artistic or smart (well informed) or musically talented or appreciative of good music (good taste) does she have a good sense of tasteful decor in the home? These are things that make a woman feel appreciated that are not the typical "you ALWAYS look great to ME" which is almost a self compliment...like she has to assume it's ONLY YOU she is always attractive to...

make sense? Specificity = believability.

That's^^ out of an acting class I took. Along with gestures and facial expression that are consistent with the words you use, it all adds up to being credible.


Imagine if you read from a script that had you telling your wife: "I love you"

Now, you might be tempted to think, "there, I said it"...

BUT you might be way off IF YOU ALSO looked at your watch while saying it.

Same words...very different meanings.

The physicality and the gesture of looking at your watch (and no eye contact) completely negates the words.

Do you hear what I'm telling you? When you do see her, and I know you will, when she speaks, you look her in the eye and you LISTEN like she's saying the most important words you'll ever hear. Then you make sure you understand her. You might have to re-cap her words to her to make sure you heard her right (and to buy you time in case you don't want to react in anger, which you do NOT want to do).

Appreciate what she HAS done that is positive.

As my DB coach said, and it's not easy to do,

"Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives she does" so if she sends a nice card to your d, or does ANY errand or keeps a promise, express your appreciation.

Build up her belief that you two can discuss SOMETHING and not fight about it. Have a conversation without any conflict. Even if it's only 5 minutes.

You want her to begin to feel safe enough to be around you...to get back in touch with your bond and friendship. IF the d's are at all close, focus on building on that.

It's good for them, and it MIGHT bring you into contact with your w but it cannot be THE reason for it. That's just manipulation.

I'm hoping that by your w seeing what a great father AND STEP FATHER you are, that you lovingly interact with them and are part of their lives, that she'll be moved.

I don't know a mother who would not be moved by that.

and it's the right thing to do. don't let her d believe that the only reason you were in her life was b/c of your w. Let her know you STILL Love your stepdaughter like your own d...you were her "dad" for 9 years, right?

and how is YOUR d now? How are the girls coping? I want to hear more about that from you. Did you ever thank your w for helping you get custody or was it sort of a thankless task for her? And did she have to support you BECAUSE of the custody battle? I was really not clear about that.

I'd like to hear something about GAL b/c you are way way too focused on your w.

You said you screamed "She cheated" from the rooftop when you found out she cheated. You did that b/c you reacted in anger and your wounded pride directed your conduct.

I don't know if that was a pattern in your m (you said you needed to be right and you'd correct her and let me tell you, that gets really old really fast. It's not loving behavior. Period.)

but you need to stop it now. And I think you get that. But point is, you have to stop letting your wounded pride direct ANY of your conduct. Okay?

It's wrong, it's a terrible example for your d and step d to see, it's unhealthy AND it's not helping!

No one word or gesture of yours will blow it OR make it work--unless you do something really nutty.

But I say, Give this situation way more time...let your w sort this puzzle out by herself.

You cannot stand over her shoulder and tell her where to put the next piece.

It's her task to do. OM does not matter. He's a symptom, not a cause. Not worth your energy or time.

Do NOT contact him or do anything out of anger or a hurt ego.

Rebuild your ego, GAL (we hammer it for a reason. IT WORKS!)

Plus, what do you think you are showing your d's about heartbreak?

If her boyfriend ever breaks up with her or she suffers any setback in life, which she will, are you showing her what a woman of strength and dignity does?

Or what an emotional shrew who's out of control and punitive, does? She already has her mother as one example. PLEASE contrast your ex's behavior with your own. After all, your ex probably felt wounded and reacted that way.

Now you are wounded. Show your d how to cope. Life isn't easy. Read on my thread about "Carol" b/c she is a centered happy woman who has NOT had an easy life. I also posted it to tadpole on "into the sunset" subject line of his thread.

Your d is watching you. Be a man of strength and honor. See if you can find faithful husband's post around here. They reconciled after his w had an A and they are quite happy. And it's been a few years since.

Also see faithisbelieving which did NOT end up reconciling but which showed the journey of a man who grew.

Same for Crimson's thread--I still think his w will return to their m but they're divorced now. yet he has grown SO MUCH that his xw is sort of dating him again...I mean, Crimson is a hero to me. So is Valeska and keep going. They really dug deep and looked inward.

Negril, they say the real journey in life in an inward one. Get on yours and learn what you can from this ordeal. It's the only upside--and getting close to your d.

There is still hope.

What happened in your first m and what did you learn from it?

before I close, btw, sidenote, your w supporting you for 2 years is a huge big deal. I don't get the feeling you deeply appreciated it. You sounded "entitled" and you seemed to focus on how hard YOU have worked but not on what SHE did for you. Don't do that. For one thing, you'll always see yourself as a victim/hero and neither is accurate or fair and it also cuts others out of the equation. Nothing wrong with thanking someone.

How appreciative were you? I have a feeling you rarely THANKED her for it. I mean, like in a genuinely big way. Did your pride stop you from fully handling the fact that your w was supporting you? Some men can't do it for long...2 years is long.

I supported my h while he was in medical school but he'd put me thru law school and yeah, there was definitely a pay off.

Maybe it's not too late for that "thank you"...?? Just to let her know you DO appreciate it. Is your present job better or paying you more now BECAUSE she supported you or did you go to school then or what?

I mean, why were you off for 2 years? Depending on the situation you MIGHT want to thank her but run it by here so we have enough info.

Try not to leave chunks of information out.

But like I said, there's still hope. You've NOT been at this for long by my timeline. Did you see my signature block below?

hang in there

all that being said.... what do I do? I don't want to re-write history... I WANT and NEED to fix what problems we had so they don't repeat themselves in my next relationship... regardless of who it is with....

This^^ is great news. It's exactly what your goal ought to be--meaning becoming the best YOU that you can be. The best Negril ever...and continuing to evolve and grow emotionally and spiritually and intellectually, etc...


I know my biggest problem is that I am a fixer..

I for one, don't believe this^^ is your biggest problem. I think you are not digging deeply enough.

You mentioned your "need to be right" and that you "corrected" your w too much. Somehow you imagined this was a loving trait or a minor flaw.

Let me rephrase it, in a way SHE might..

"He's never wrong & he likes to argue. He's constantly negating me and critisizing me. "

I wouldn't call that being a "fixer" or think it's the biggest problem.


and that puts pressure on most people.... trying to do too much

what are you talking about "puts pressure on most people"? Who feels what pressure? AND who is trying to do too much, YOU? Be clear here. You've repeated this phrase several times but It's like you want to discover your flaw and your role but you're so terrified of what it might really be, that you dance around it.

HERE, we like self honesty. WE need it and we won't judge you!

Go read Keep Going's thread or Crimson's if you want to see some people who engaged in heart wrenching self discovery. You have some dark spots in you LIKE WE ALL Do. But the more you hide behind vague cliches, the slower you'll get to the real destination. Be brave. Dig deeper.


.. walking around my spouse with bubble wrap so that nothing bad can ever happen to her....

Allow me to translate into a way SHE MIGHT:

"I'm not allowed to make a mistake. He's so controlling. Everything has to be done HIS way or I'm WRONG and boy, I'm 'wrong' a whole lot around him. My self esteem has taken a pounding now for years...

This^^ part I feel pretty confident is how SHE saw it.

And maybe she'd see the custody battle for your d this way--and I'm NOT at all sure of this, but it hit me this way and so just give it some thought--

I thought maybe if we finally got custody of his d, he'd be pleased with me. Finally I'd be good enough...but nothing improved...he knew I was unhappy but he worked more so I had my d and his d to raise on my own.

I needed to escape. No one was taking care of ME."


trying to make things too perfect...... but isn't that what a spouse suppose to do? love and protect the ones you love the most??????

OMG Making things too perfect? No that is NOT why she left...and you know it. You've had 1 marriage fail and another is in crisis. Figure out what marriage is supposed to mean and then adjust it to your version and maybe you'll get somewhere.

I've been m now for 31 years. I never thought "trying to make things perfect" was a reasonable expectation of life, let alone a spouse.

AS FOR-
"Love & protect" yes sure, but can you tell me what you think LOVE means? And more importantly, perhaps, protect from what? Her making a mistake?

Be clear about what you claim to be protecting her from...

b/c it's NOT clear to me.

It reeks of control & manipulation, my friend.... all under the guise of "protection" or "trying to make things too perfect"...what? Hey, She's a grown woman who worked and supported YOU for 2 years. Were you making things too perfect? Of course not. And Who was protecting whom?

How important was it to you that your wife not make ANY mistakes?

You love them by nurturing THEIR interests and supporting them. ALSO By being your own person bringing something of your own to the table. Hobbies, interests, other than HER. Two complete whole people who blend and become better as one unit than as 2 separates BUT who are still complete themselves.

Otherwise you are a mirror of her hovering around basically wanting her to make you happy. Why do that? So she wouldn't leave? See how that's sort of backwards?

I'm going to post something to you from a WAW. Not all of it will apply to your sitch but SOME WILL.

Good luck!

25yrs....

I can't even begin to explain how out of character this is for her..... if the old W seen her now... she would kick her a$$.... and that's no lie.... she would always make comments to me about how I would always leave her.. she would never leave me....."if you have nothing to hide then you hide nothing" another one of the old W quotes.... would throw that at me every three months or so.... whenever we would hear about another couple going thru troubles....

like you I don't want to waste time on labels... this site has brought so much peace to my life... just reading other post.. knowing I wasn't the only one going thru this..... that other stories were so close to my own..


my first ex wife was bi polar when I met her.... the oldest daughter was getting getting the full bi polar treatment from my ex w and couldn't take it anymore.... I had fought for custody twice and it took a great deal of time.. money and energy out of my life... but my W was sooo supportive of me... she knew that I was both a great step father and a father to my own children... and was dealing with a crazy X...... but she took it on full force... she use to make comments like she wasn't afraid of my X.... and she would do whatever it took for me to get my kids back in my life..... and I loved her even more because of it....


my daughter came to live with use in sept... my W and her daughter made her feel welcome at first.... but shortly after her daughter started to feel the attention was going towards my daughter and didn't like it much... remember.. her daughter has basically been an only child up to this point... even thought my kid would come to visit.... she was the one that lived there full time.....


I know that my daughter just being in the house caused problems... she looked at my daughter and all she seen was work that needed to be done...... normally she would be more than happy to help... but because she was in school.... she could't deal with both being a full time nursing student..... a mom.... and a new full time step mom........it's the straw that broke the camels back... but it's not the problem.... this has been brewing for the past year...... I see that now.....

I will answer the rest in the morning since we are pushing 130..... and we lose an hour tonight... Thanks again for all your help.. I can't begin to repay you... I hope you know that... and I am sure everyone else you help on here feels the same way....

SURE wish we could edit like the old days!!

I forgot to "color" my quotes towards the end, but I hope you can see after your bold, are my words...everything after you said "isn't that what a spouse is supposed to do?? Love & protect the ones you love the most??????

are my words. Make sense?

we crossed posts...

You're welcome. And just so I am clear b/c some of it wasn't (you're tired, right?)

You get your d from your marriage, now full time. But your wife only had her daughter with you SOME of the time?

So the "only child" thing your step d felt, was still just part time? And then your d got to live with you full time?

Did your d ever visit her mom?

And how much custody did your w have of HER d? Just trying to sort out facts...and your d is w/you now and how's she doing?

How are you two doing? I hope you CREATE some father daughter time NOW asap and do things together. Go see a professional sport event and please work LESS, not more.

Don't have your d lose both parents...and a step mom too.

ALSO if your w is not going to treat your d well, (I'm going to believe you when you say your d behaved fine, but if that's not accurate, correct me!!!), But if it is, then you have to let your w go.

For me the one unforgivable trait in a step parent is them NOT treating my child well.

I had a client (I'm a lawyer, but a nice person )

who told me she loved her "new husband...so sweet. Not great w/my kids but a super good guy and"-

I CUT HER OFF when she said "not great w/my kids but"...

I said, "excuse me, but saying 'not great with my kids' and 'super good guy' are NOT consistent." I have no idea why she married him...

You can't be w/a person who isn't good & fair to your kids. Period. The end.

PS

I hope you'll take your d to a professional COUNSELOR too. And do fun things, just you and her.

And sometime, invite the stepdaughter if they can stand each other. If they cannot, then there were problems you avoided.

I worry that you avoided the 3 women in one house =conflict and that you took the "so I'll stick my head in the sand" approach.

Did your w take her d with her? WHere is everyone now? Tell me about them.

well for starters.... I am in the home that my W and step daughter has been in for the past 7 yrs... I bought her out of the home.... she is now renting a home on the other side of town... her daughter is having hard time...... she has contacted me on two different holidays.... my bday.... and valentines day.... just to say she loved me and that she misses me and wished her mom and I were still together....


I will be honest.. when my daughter came to live with us she did steal from W's daughter once ..... out of her piggy bank... which I repay'd the min I found out that my D stole from her D..... trying to make it right.....again my D and her D are not the same.... her D is the type to take a hundred pics a night infront of the mirror for a perfect FB pic or a twitter pic..... where mine has some insecurities.....

I know by my D stealing from her D created a problem...... we had talked about all of this happening... that there would be problems that would come up.... we really did try to prepare for the worse case secinaro....I just think between that.. and school... and turning 40 that it was going to happen... no matter what I did..