Thanks AS! I agree that I don't think it can make it worse. I've also already registered us. She is going to Florida from Sunday-Friday. I told her that from today to next Friday that I would not contact her except to call I night and tell my son goodnight. I figured to give complete space for the next few weeks and I'll let her decide to go or not. I AM NOT going to bring retrov up again to her or any other relationship talk. She knows when it is and if she still wants to go she will tell me. Your thoughts on me handling that way?
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Retouvaille is a weekend that is put on by the Catholic Church. They have them all over the country as while as world wide. You don't have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend. I have not been, but have heard unbelievable things. 3 couples who went through the program and a priest lead the weekend and talk about their stories. Like I said, I haven't been, but hear that it is about communication and letting go of the past and starting over. W and I had really been turning the corner I feel last week. Well I blew that Monday afternoon when i lost my temper and said something I shouldn't have. AS, who gives great advice and has been to retroV, thought it was too soon for W and I. I didn't agree at first because of how things were going, but after Monday I'm not sure if I'm ready. Since we already signed up, I figured I'd let her make the choice as we get closer and just give her complete space till then. I feel like i did the right thing by telling her that. Thanks
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Well Retrouvaille couple just sent W and I both an email with details of the weekend and how it works. Guess we'll see in 3 weeks if she goes or not. I'm good either way. Is it normal to start having feelings that the separation or divorce is what is stressing me out. It's the fact that I know I just need to be an all around better person. I don't think I want to be married to W anymore anyways.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
So in the last 24 hours MIL and FIL have both called me to talk to me about W. MIL tells me that she has told W to sprint not crawl to a counselor because all she does is sleep all day and then does nothing productive when she is up. This is her routine from the time she drops our S off at school till 3pm or so. MIL says she has been like this for a couple of weeks since she doesn't have horse to ride. Which brings me to why FIL called. He is concerned that she only says to him that she is only happy when riding unless she is with our son. Her previous horse has gone lame so she is going to Florida next week to look for another one. We both agree that she thinks finding the right horse is what she thinks will make her happy. I told FIL that I was the last person that would talk to her about this stuff. Told MIL that I can't talk to her about being unhappy. I've told both of them I am worried as can be as well, but she needs to want to change on her own. Man I hate this feeling!!! I want to help her, but I know I'm the last person right now that needs to be brininging up whether she is happy or not. Just venting!!!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Does she know the MIL and FIL called you? That's a tough situation cause your exactly right, that you worry about your W and if you try to talk them about being unhappy they will think its not sincere and just a ploy to get the back. Any new talks on RetroV if she is going? I just looked into it myself and there's actually one in the same town my wife lives in at the end of april. But I'm no where near being able to talk to her about that. I was thinking of putting in here email for them to send her info but thought she would know it was me lol.
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
Need some advice on 180's! Hoping some of you got some get advice for me:) I went to pick up son an hour ago at my MIL's house. MIL asked W and I to go to a meeting with her tomorrow for support. I said not sure W wants to spend the day with me jokingly. Wife says I can go. Well walking into her bedroom at we house I say to her, " your mom is helping you out by you living here, I think you can at least go to support her for one meeting" W then blows up and says, "you can't f)&@$ing Tell me what to do" I just said I wasn't trying to, just thought it would be nice of you to do. Anyways I texted her when I got back and told her I didn't appreciate her speaking to me like that. I guess what I am asking using that as an example is how do I 180 well around her when I want to see my son all the time. I've been working harder Working out Going out with friends Going to church and getting my relationship better with Christ
Problem is these aren't big deals to her expect working harder. Her biggest problem at this point I believe is my anger and verbal abuse which I am working on with a counselor. I guess verbal abuse also includes control which is why she blows up like that. I guess I need to just completely not talk to her until retrouvaille, but I see her so often because of my son
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Cb I have the same problem. Anger and verbal abuse. Yes I'm not a bad person. Love to help people. It's what i do for a living. But don't critize me or will go ballistic. I know that volcano inside u. It burns when someone pushes u. When I get pissed and the angrier I get the smaller you look. Recently my buddy challenged me. So I put my life on paper. I understand a bit better why I'm the way I am. Take time and get to know u. Leave W alone and focus on u.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Had to vent!! So I took MIL to a meeting today to meeting that she didn't want to go to by herself because her brother would be there! That's a long story. Anyways when I go to drop her off this afternoon I see W car there. So I go inside and she is in room sleeping at 230 as usual. I asked her if she would like to see S before I go back to apartment. She says no!! Who is this woman?!?! Seriously, I just don't get it. I'm beginning to feel so much pain for my 3 year old son. And there is no question with each moment like this I am coming to grips with not wanting this M anymore either.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
"So with that said, what do you want to work on? Who do you want to be?"
I have really begun a couple months working on a lot of changes in me. I know I am capable of so much more. I've begun to treat my career as a 9-5 and doing it everyday. I've lost almost 20 lbs by exercising and eating better. I've curbed the drinking big time and have only gone out a couple times in the last couple of months. This ^^all sounds great. May I assume that you come home and are not around OWs at all, or that girls house?
I suggest transparency with your w about this b/c I think as AS said, it did more damage that you can imagine. Honestly, even after my DB and a reconciled m, that behavior would be a dealbreaker for ME...even now...in fact especially now.
It's way too much of a red flag of disrespect to the marriage.
So I hope you tell her where you are and when you are coming home and then, be on time.
I have formed a much better relationship with Christ and the church. I now see how selfish I was being. Constantly putting my needs before hers and my sons. I've learned that love is an action not an emotion. Loving somebody is all about putting their needs first because you can't live without them in your life. I love that^^^ quote. Love is a verb, not just a noun. It requires action and choice...every day.
It's not just about a feeling. I've really tried to learn through Christ the way I should treat my wife and our son. I had such a bad example as a father and picked up so many bad things. I'm learning to love as my Father would want me to and not how my biological father taught me. ^^^Wonderful insights and goal. If you get a chance, you might want to attend an individual personal growth workshop or retreat for YOU to make your changes...there are several so you don't have to just wait & see if your w is willing to go to Retrovaille.
The W definitely still communicates with me and even her friends have told me she wants it to work, but I just have a lot of changing to do. Sounds like a road map then, right? Keep at it.
I'm nowhere close to where I want to be yet and wouldn't ask her to competely reconcile until I am. Thanks for the support!
That's a good point. I think you asking HER about HER working probably set off a lot of triggers for her. Her family has provided money, right? So maybe to HER, you don't really have the right to ask her about financing things...??
Food for thought. Also, are you GAL? We hammer it here b/c it really helps YOUR PMA and it shows change b/c you are DOING something different.
GAL is not for her, it's for you. But it does tend to get noticed by the WAS...just like any positive changes. changes + sufficent time = change she can believe in.
And you becoming the best you, that you can become,
is a great goal that benefits you as a man and as a father, regardless of what your w chooses.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
