Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife said she was done!

You've got to set aside this attitude, I think we all go through the process of wondering why our spouse would even consider leaving such a terrific husband and model father, but the truth of the matter is she does NOT see you that way. What she sees is a man bogged down with a number of major issues preventing him from being even a mediocre husband. You've got to see yourself through her eyes, and you have got to do 180's on those faults, and you have to maintain those 180's consistently for months and months. Then she might change her mind about you.



Exactly the wrong thing to do. Don't trust your feelings, they are wrong. DB'ing is what works, it is often counterintuitive because it is the opposite of what our feelings tell us to do.



What about her? Do you have any concerns about how she feels? Do you think this is easy for her? It's not, she's in a lot of turmoil over it even if she doesn't show it on the outside. Do you realize that when you say she's being "selfish" for leaving because it will hurt you that it is actually YOU being selfish? This isn't about what you want. In her eyes she spent years giving you what you want and getting nothing in return. True or not, that's how she sees it. That's what you're up against.



Read other threads and sitches on here. All those questions you want to ask, others here have already been there and done that and they NEVER get satisfying answers. More often than not those questions are answered with "I don't know." That's why you shouldn't ask, because asking is pressure and you're not going to get answers anyway.

Thanks for chiming in AnotherStander, I appreciate a voice of reason!



I picked up the “5 love languages” and “Desperate marriage” and I need to finish the DR. Lots of reading to catch up on!

Advise is greatly welcome

I'm in a similar living situation to you Maritimer, so I can sympathize with some of your frustration.

But, AS is right - everything you do to DB is counter-intuitive to logic and our feelings. Regardless of what you THINK the situation is, I can almost guarantee you it's MUCH more complicated below the surface. Do not assume anything, mainly because you really cannot know what's going on inside of her.

Focus only on what you CAN control and that is YOU!



Yes, that will hurt and I feel for you in that regard. However, telling her exactly how you feel about it will do nothing to alleviate the hurt you feel. The only thing it will do is make matters worse; because in many they are just as confused as the LBS.

I highly recommend The Five Love Languages and Michelle's books - all very good material.

If you really want to take a cold hard look at yourself, pick up Dr. Phil's 'Relationship Rescue'. But, and I can't stress this enough, don't bother with it unless you're willing to be serious about tackling your issues - you may not like what you find out about yourself...

I promise you, she notices!!! She may not say anything or acknowledge it, but she notices. My W told me recently that my changes actually made her angry at first. Her thinking was that if it was so easy for me to change into the perfect husband, then why didn't I do it before? She also thought I was just trying to trick her into coming back. It took months before she believed I was changed for good and that I was committed to staying that way regardless of whether we reconcile or not. That's the goal- to make your W realize the changes are a permanent part of a newer, better you.



Quite right. And frankly, it won't happen until you get to the point where you're not doing these 180's while watching for a reaction from your W. We all do that at first, we do our 180's and watch closely for our spouse to react in some way. When they don't we're disappointed. But keep at it, at some point you'll continue them because you know it's the right thing to do, you'll drop the expectations. Your 180's become much more successful at that point, because the motivation is coming from a better, more permanent place.



Don't assume anything about a WAS! My W is a master of looking cool, calm and collected on the outside but sometimes she admits that she is confused and in turmoil internally. My W is NOT comfortable about ANY of this!! She told me it all scares the heck out of her. She just mentioned it again a couple of weeks ago. So don't let a calm demeanor fool you, a WAS is rarely comfortable with their choices.



I don't think that's selfish at all, in fact it's quite noble. What I meant was that when you say she's being selfish because she's doing this at the expense of the feelings of you and your kids, she's not really motivated by selfishness so much as an overwhelming desire to escape what she sees as a poor marriage. She's desperate, not selfish. She knows she's hurting people and it is tearing her up inside.

I finally finished the DR, now I need to go back and re read it to make sure I don’t fall back into many of the behaviors that would have been driving her further away.

I spoke with my IC and he basically suggested that I do the last resort strategy. Due to the pending house sale he suggested I affirm her choice and let her know that I still love her and the kids and that I will be moving forward with or without her as my wife. I am scared to do that as I think she will agree and that’s it , done… but I guess she already told me that. I don’t feel comfortable giving her an ultimatum. Im fully committed in doing my 180’s and think the more she is around to see them the more she will believe they are genuine. She got the preapproval for her mortgage so once the house sells she is out. It just seems so quick to get different places and once we are in separate houses I think the reconciliation process would be more challenging.

I need to realize that there is still hope even if we are in different homes. Tough pill to swallow.

I agree with not giving an ultimatum.

When you tell her what your IC suggested, I believe she will agree completely. You need to expect it and receive it when she agrees, and don't act as if you thought she would say anything different. She will be glad to hear you say you are moving on. She will even feel relieved and may even act elated. Be prepared for it.

She will enjoy her new found freedom for a while. She believes a D is going to ease a lot of her pain. It will take time for her to see that the single life isn't what she thought it would be like.

You have shown you have strength! Patience is another type of strength. I believe she will finally realize you're the man she M and will want to reconcile.

Don't give up.

Thanks for the reassurances, Sandi2, AnotherStander, bblake1968, QueenOhHearts, MrBond, and others who took the time to post. It means lot that other people that have been through similar situations give hope to strangers, Its a very noble trait.

I believe & am successfully detaching from my wife. Her being not very nice to me and showing lack of respect to me makes me wonder if I really want to be with a woman who treats me that way. I am kinda looking forward to living by myself and focusing on being a better person. I sacrificed a lot for my family and while it will hurt not to be with them all the time, I can make the best of the situation to become the person I always wanted to be. Maybe it’s the high part of the roller-coaster right now. Could it be the fact that I have been sober for 3 months, lost a bunch of weight, living with a positive attitude, enjoying being more productive around the house, reading self-help books, doing more activities with my boys and my dog? Donno but it seems to be working.

For us to successfully get back together it would take effort from the both of us. She is no ware near that point right now. When/if she does I know I have the correct tools to be able to work on our relationship successfully. She is all excited to buy a new house and to me she is getting in too deep with a high mortgage, She is oblivious to all the extra cost associated with buying a bigger home and I can see that she will have trouble making ends meet. All I can do is be prepared to be there for them if/when the deck of card come crashing down.

Funny that all her divorced, single friends are encouraging this and all my married stable friends think that she is making a huge error in judgment. Only time will tell.

You need to get past this - you're assigning blame. It doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong in your eyes. She's hurting and your few weeks of changes will not undo years of issues she's put up with. Remember, respect is earned. Looking back, and be honest, do you feel you've earned her respect? Been the best you that you can be?





Right attitude with the self improvement, but, I take exception to the highlighted part. Certainly you don't think you're the only one who sacrificed a lot...?




3 months vs. how many years? Continue the work, but, keep it all in perspective...



Are you? Be realistic. You're 3 months into changing/self improvement. You may have started the things your W has identified, but, have you REALLY looked at yourself and identified anything about yourself that YOU don't like? Again, be honest with yourself.




And you know this will happen how? You sound like you're waiting for her to fail. Wishful thinking? From reading your post, you almost sound like you hope she will fail. Again, an outsider view - doesn't seem like you're being fair to the situation.



Here, you just sound bitter. Sorry, that's how it comes off from reading the post. Give some consideration to NOT discussing your problems with friends and family. They come into a discussion with a bias, when you really NEED unbiased and nonobjective advice in dealing with your sitch. She needs the same, but, she will have to find that out on her own...

I have seen the same thing with W only wanting to talk to friends who are divorced or are going through a divorce. Sandi pointed out to me that WAS does not want to talk to anyone that is promarriage. They only want to talk to people who will agree with their decisions. Just 2 days ago I saw W texting one of these friends and it really got to me. I pouted because I was hurt that other people knew more about what she was thinking than I did. I told her this. Big mistake. The coldness returned in full force. As many on here pointed out to me, what does it matter who she is talking to? She needs to vent just as much as you do. What I finally asked myself was, " does it really surprise me that she wants to talk to people who agree with her decisions?" It definitely does not. But I will admit that it still hurts to think that other people know more about what she is thinking than I do.

Bblake1968,
I never wanted to come off as bitter but if I did I guess I still have plenty to work on. I was just being realistic because I know how much money she will be getting and with all the bills I don’t think it can be done within her budget.

When I looked at myself I did identify the things I never liked about me, and what she identified as issues and made 180’s on them. I feel good about that.

Grizz,
I know how hard it is not to ask how she feels and to “act as if everything is good”. It tough not to mind read when she is chatting with friends.

Doing my best to continue detaching, keeping a PMA, giving distance and having fun with my boys!