Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is the writing on the wall? Please help! Newbie

Of course there's no real timeline with MLC as each individual's crises is unique and as such, some need more time and some need less time to process. Some are "deeper in it" and some are almost transition like, where it's almost not really a crises, just confusion and change.

That said, as standard practice, MLC could take up to two years. It's the "classic" MLC aspect where they do a lot of the more outrageous stuff like partying all the time, young love interests, red, convertible sports car, etc, etc.

There are some MLCers who are borderline, so it's almost hard to tell there is anything going on, except for some confusion and more mild replay antics.

Suffice it to say, if your H is MLC and you feel he's in replay since May, it could be another year of replay and then a few years after that if he doesn't get "stuck".

I'm guessing you've read resources on MLC so you will know some or most of it.

The anger really begins in the second stage, just before replay. It will most likely last through most of the MLC, until they finally begin to come out of the so called tunnel.

How does one find the strength to go on? Many are surprised how much strength they actually DO have to survive this. You have more than you think you have. And detaching will be a primary skill you should learn as quickly as possible.

You will have to dig deep and realize that his anger is actually self directed, but it comes out as directed at you. If not you, it will be at someone or something else. That's where detachment will save you. Because you stop being a target for them as you stop reacting to their negative behaviours. They are angry with themselves over any number of things and in their MLC minds, their self protection mechanism causes them to think that everything that is wrong in their life is due to someone or something else, other than something going on inside of them.

Keep GALing. And also, take this time to work on yourself. Think about some of the stuff that your H may have complained about in you, prior to his MLC. Ask yourself if any of that stuff might be valid. If so, work on getting better at that stuff. Also, if there is anything that you feel personally, that you would like to improve in yourself, take the time now to work on those things. This will help keep your mind occupied and help you detach emotionally from his current words or actions and any expectations that you may have.

I don't envy anyone in a failing M, yet I think that someone who has a WAS at least has the opportunity to dig deep and realize that they had a hand in the failing M and work on those things and hopefully save their M, based on their own, positive, personal growth.

For an LBS with a MLC spouse, this is not the case. All the LBS can do is grow in positive ways and keep the road home paved and smooth and... if the LBS has not moved on by the time the MLC is over, perhaps the M will be saved.

DOH! No...



REPLAY can take two years, give or take. MLC can take more than five years.

I think I can safely say that many transitions that are not crises, can take 6 months to two years. That's my experience for myself and for anyone I know who's come to those points in their lives where they are questioning their "purpose" and where they are in their lives.

Crises seems to take longer, and understandably, as people in transition know to look within, whereas crises tends to look without, until they finally work their way to a point where they understand that their happiness and "solution" is within them.

Lost 'em,

So sorry you are going through this.

It sounds to me like you are doing remarkably well - but its hard every day, isn't it? I know personally that if I let myself start to think "long term" I start to crumble. I try to take things "one day at a time".

Despite how young you and your H are, it definitely sounds like he is experiencing some sort of crisis, possibly triggered by the "stroke". What was his childhood like? Some sort of trauma in childhood seems to often be a common denominator.

It is definitely easier to not know, and not obsess over, the details of what the WAS/MLCer is up to. Not only does he think you can never forgive him, he wonders if he can ever forgive himself. Guilt is a terrible burden.

I'm glad you found the DB boards. I know coming here helps me, I hope it can help you too.

Hi,

It's soo hard everyday. He was my best friend, and having to grieve for our friend relationship, is sometimes even harder than the marriage portion. I still cry about this more than I should, but I understand that tears can be cleansing as well.

I do think that it's definitely somehow tied into his medical episode. Every conversation, he keeps referring to the "stroke," that once he got sick, it changed everything. He has even gone as far as to say that he blames me for what happened to him. That is was our relationship that made him sick! I don't believe the two related, but when I really think about it...There was definitely a difference from him, once he got out of the hospital, subtle at first but definitely increasing changes.

The family angle is definitely a trigger for him. He is very far, from anyone related to him other than his son (his family lives in the UK). His son lives few states away (there is definitely some guilt here). He does seem to have a love/hate relationship with his Mother. When he does something that makes her unhappy, she stops speaking to him. Which is a pattern, that is so destructive. She has found out about this, and from what I understand has stopped speaking to him again. He has a brother, and a sister (who a few years ago), he was not speaking to. They have cautiously reached out to me, but I think they are very afraid that he will cut them out completely. If they don't go along with his new life plan. There was definitely, a difficult childhood. His sister left home at 18yrs, and there is challenging relationship with his father. They all struggle to get along with their mother. He has hinted at the family turmoil. However, he has never specifically spelled out to me what happened. However, when he went to see her/them this summer (he was briefly interested in our marriage). It only lasted a few days...

There is also a piece of this, that I cannot figure out. This friend of his is going thru a very similar situation with his wife. I cannot help, but think that one has influenced the other, and even provided some sort of validation. There were together all of the time leading up to this. His friend is a few years older, and he always refers to him as a big brother.

On my front, my new job is going well, and my volunteer program has been really successful! It's wrapping up soon, but volunteering at the school has been such a rewarding experience.
I am working on a few 180's (that are basic) like becoming more organized. One of H's complaints, and challenging myself not to let me fears get the best of me. Thinking about skydiving with a friend. Scary!

I am trying every day not to worry about what's going to happen. It's now almost 2 mos, since he tried to get me to sign the divorce paperwork. I am not sure what is going on, but he defintely has really made an effort to erase me from his life. I think that he would really like to pretend that I don't even exist. Which is hurtful to even write down. Let alone deal with my feelings

Sorry, this is just rambling at this point, but it just feels good to get this out.

You are going to go through these normal phases that a LBS goes through. All the emotional turmoil, etc. Just remember that, even if the M is not saved, it (life) DOES get better.

I also want to add, with a cautionary grain of salt, that IF your H DID have a stroke, beyond the realization of his mortality, he actually COULD have a brain injury, as a result. And a brain injury can cause any number of changes to a person, depending on where in the brain the injury occurred. A brain injury COULD be the reason for his (recent) changes.

That said, it really is just a possible explanation, it doesn't change how you need to operate during this time.

Also, as you explain his past, he is certainly behaving in ways that are programmed into him. Try to remember what was "normal" before these changes. You may have some basis to know if he ever returns to his "normal". Hopefully though, he will end up being "better" than normal, after everything is said and done.

You did mention the whirlwind romance. What do you know about his past relationship with SS's mother? What happened to end that R? How long was he separated/divorced from her, before the two of you became involved?

Keep working on you and focusing on YOU as your primary goal, right now. Your 180s and positive changes, and any GAL you can do, will go a long way to helping you out and may eventually help to salvage your M.

This has been such a strange week. However, the outcome is what I have been fearing. I actually was getting on the train on Thursday, and H happened to be on there. I walked over an spoke to him, very small talk. I felt like it was too much of a coincidence not to, I was wearing my wedding band. H definitely noticed, but did not comment.After saying hello, how are you a quickly found a seat on the other side of the train. He left our train car at the his stop, and did not bother to say goodbye (was not expecting it)

Today, I received a text message saying that he filed on Friday, and he wanted me know in a less traumatic fashion. To let him know if I wanted to be served by sheriff, or if I would prefer to receive the papers in another way.

I cannot say that I am surprised, but it still hurts

Until you become much more detached, those types of things will continue to hurt.

It is normal for you to feel hurt, yet all he really did was let you know he filed and asked how you wanted to be notified, formally. It really is just a piece of paper. Every year many D are filed and many are never completed.

Right now... he wants to D. That does not mean anything about the future. He could change his mind or never do anything further with it.

Focus on your own growth, GAL, and detachment.

Are there any things that you are doing right now to keep your mind off the R?

I'm trying! I promise, most of the time I throw all of my energy, into my new job, and volunteering in my teaching program. Over the past year, I have been toying around with going back to school to teach. Making new friends,and I even signed up to learn a new language this summer. I just bought a ticket to go home, and visit my friends/family. Really looking forward to that! So until this new turn of events, I have tried very hard to not worry about what H was doing. In a weird kind of way, I think that I had just settled into this routine. No husband, no contact, nothing. Just going on with my life, as if he is not there. However, if I am being honest...I just didn't think that he would actually file. I just didn't want to believe that he had it in him. He has been threatening for so long, maybe I'm just feeling the shock of it all? Like the other shoe has finally dropped. Not sure if that make sense. It just makes me wonder, was it that horrible to see me that he filed the next day? On a side note, he looked like a crumpled paper bag. Life is definitely not easy for him right now. As much as he wants me to believe that it is...

You asked earlier about our relationship. So, I met him 6 mos after his divorce was complete. In retrospect, I should have asked more questions! I think that I was very naive, and I think that he probably was not ready for this. They were separated in December, and divorced in May of the following year. So after about 3 dates, he was fully committed, I was too, and we were in it together. He had dated some people in b/w his ex and myself. I thought, I was safe from being the rebound. At the time, I just remember feeling like I had finally met my person. He was so thoughtful, and caring, and loving. I loved his relationship, with his son, and his outlook on life. We moved in together after 4mos (it wasn't the original plan), but he just ended up always staying over at my house...and one thing led to another. Everything was ideal,we had a great time living together. He was a wonderful boyfriend, and fiance. He proposed exactly 1 year,from the day we met. We got married 9 mos later.

From what I knew at the time, they were married for 5 years. He was 25, and she was 26. She was/is pretty angry with him (now I understand). I'm guessing, and he confirmed it as well, that his behavior was pretty similar (affairs, emotionally disconnecting, smoking pot etc). He always told me that, he knew it was a mistake very early on. She didn't work, and stayed at home with the kids (she had D from a previous, and 1 with him). This was around the time that the family division really came to a head. There were allegations of abuse from his sister about his father (who is her stepfather). He told me that he was so hurt by the rumors about his father, that he just sought to build his own family. A whole lot to take on at that age (25). They (H & ExW) worked together, and things got a very volatile at the work place. She was accusing him of cheating with a co-worker (sound familiar). He denied, and it was not until Feb of this year that he admitted to me that this was true. I was always led to believe that it was just a hard relationship for them both, and the challenges became insurmountable. Now, I think there were so many more things going on. Again, I should have asked more questions. The whole hindsight thing. Lots of layers here, huh?

I just worry, that the less I talk to him, the further and further he gets from me. I guess the answer, is he has to want to come back. So I will continue to detach, but I miss my H (not the mean, cheating, always in a haze one).
Thanks again for listening, it's always nice to know that someone is out there.

layers like an onion, yes...

So, how are things with you now? Did you get the D paperwork?

You now "know" your H much better than you did when you first met. While it may feel hurtful and feel like your trust was betrayed, is any of it really a deal breaker for you?

None of what you now know needs to have any significant change in how you continue forward. It really is just information and take what ever time you need to process it and come to any decisions you make.

Are you operating from LRT now, or are you still wanting to use other, less drastic DB techniques at this time?

Well, I guess I'm doing okay. It was not pretty, however after the shock of his divorce text wore off. I did reply back, and ask that he not have the paperwork brought to my job. I just asked him what the options were...

He replied back the next day, and asked if I would be willing to meet him at the courthouse over my lunch break?! I said, I didn't think that was a good idea. I asked him to send it certified mail, or have it presented at my house. This was on Monday. I have not heard from him since then. So no paperwork, yet.

As strange as this sounds, through all of this crap, I still love him very much. Which, I guess is part of the problem. I knew about his family stuff before we got married, and I accepted him. Concerning, LRT...I think that I have technically been doing this for a while. At the beginning of our separation, H would call me late at night, or just at random times. I wouldn't answer, and he eventually stopped. Now we do not speak, unless for business purposes, or apparently if I run into him randomly. I discovered awhile ago, that trying to keep contact with him, just proved to hurtful for me. He would answer the phone, but just go out of his way to be rude, or speak to me as it I was bothering him. So I think, that even though it was not my decision, I'm firmly in LRT. Do you think, I should try and speak with him? From what I know, he is still w/th OW

It just seems like this can never turn around...