Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers From the beginning...

(Don't usually have internet during the weekends, so my responses are delayed...)

Learning slowly...

Spent Friday night & Saturday at D23's house; got to play with our grand daughter while waiting at D13's orientation.

Spent most of the weekend with my mouth shut, unless I was asked something. Just spent more time listening than talking - on purpose. In front of D13 & D23, W did again mention the issue about her restaurant and equipment and my saying I didn't care about it.

So, using 25's script I said: 'I thought I had apologized for this misunderstanding before. Have I said or done something like it again?'

Her response was: 'Not really, not really sure why I keep bringing it up.'

Got back home Saturday evening. D21 had a friend spending the night (sleeping in the spare room) so W was back in the main bedroom - and I really didn't know what to say or do. I knew she was exhausted and had to be at work at 10am Sunday morning, so I planned on just sleeping on the couch. W said she wasn't going to kick me out of my room and that I could sleep in there with her, and I could watch some TV with her in there.

Well, she went to sleep with 10 minutes of that conversation, and I slept out on the couch anyhow. I can't really put into words why felt it necessary, I just did. Sleeping in the same bed right now, with her having moved out of the bedroom, just doesn't seem 'right' to me (we even slept in separate beds at D23's house). Do I want that back? YES! But not for one night. Did I miss an opportunity for being close again? I doubt it - she slept out on the couch; falling asleep there last night after work.

Things I've gotten pretty good at:

• Listening without offering commentary
• Being in a good mood regardless of the situation
• Offering words of encouragement when she's feeling down
• Giving acts of service (thank you 5LL)
• Walking away from argument bait
• Not bringing up discussions of M or R
• Detachment -

Things I need to improve on:

• Validation - I still let myself get pulled into defensive mode when I shouldn't
• Stop keeping score
  
  
  There have been times recently where I've wondered if all of this was really worth it. If for no other reason than making myself a better person; the answer is yes...

Hey Blake, looks like the weekend went well. Not sure i would have been strong enough to not stay in the bed. But you probably did the best thing. Looks like you are doing well with DB/self improvement. I was glad to see your update. I was wondering how things were going. Press on.

Thanks Grizz. Wasn't easy, but, I just can't let myself get drawn into something that isn't there. Yes, I still want all of the things that makes a good, healthy M.

Evidently W either doesn't right now, or doesn't know what she wants or needs. So I'm trying to use this time wisely to fix myself.

Little journaling...

Finally got the F250 fixed last night. Took D13 for a ride to see her mom at her new job. Good thing I did, too. W said she hadn't had a chance to eat and her blood sugar was starting to get low. Bought her a smoothie at McDonalds. She did seem glad to see D13 for a few minutes, too.

W got home about 11:15pm. She sat down on the bed and we talked for a few minutes about her day. She apologized for waking me and ranting about stuff at work. I told her that was no problem at all, and that she could vent whenever she wanted to; and that I certainly understood the need to get stuff off your chest. She thanked me and went into the living room to watch TV; which is where she was this morning - asleep, still on the couch.

How should I interpret the following comment from my W, during a phone conversation this morning about our bills:

W: 'It's been a long time since we've had dual incomes. It's really nice to have both of our paychecks coming in on opposite weeks. Now we can get caught up and maybe do some things we haven't been able to for a while.

Me: Yes, I agree, it will definitely be nice.

This kind of comment I usually let go in one ear and out the other due to the 'nothing/50%' rule. But, she's made similar comments recently and I didn't respond any different.

Just wondering whether I should be making mental notes of these or taking them as cues that she might want to discuss the future.

Last night was uneventful, other than W opening up a little about the new job after she got home from work. Told her it's not easy going from being a business owner to being a manger of someone else's business, and that I was proud of her for making that transition so gracefully.

I woke up sick this morning - yea me... Tried early on to get an appt with the doc but couldn't get thru. W send a text to me saying she was sick and had an appt at 11:45am. Told her I was too and that I had been trying to get an appt. We go to the same doc so she told me to tag along.

While at the office (always a 2 hour wait) W was on & off her cell phone dealing with the tax issue from her previous business partnership. When she got off the phone, I could tell she was very angry. I told her I was sorry she had to go thru this, and that it wasn't right. W then said, 'well, if had listened to you all (the kids, me and her friends) this wouldn't be happening.' She again said that this was just the tip of the iceberg, and there's so much more that I don't know.

I can't imagine the cesspool of emotions going thru her right now. When the new business started in Feb of 2012, I'm sure she looked at it as a way out of our M. I think her backtracking in May was the realization that it wasn't going to be that way. She waffled back and forth all during the summer, but, acted happy during the fall - (even though I knew something wasn't right). We ML almost every other day from mid-September until the first week of November.

As our birthdays and the holidays started coming in, she withdrew again and then asked for a separation and a place of her own on Dec 21. Now here we are in March of 2013, she's talking some about the future, even referring to the house as HER house now. But, we still do not discuss M/R issues and we sleep in separate beds and haven't really touched each other sexually since November... Yes, it is definitely a sex starved marriage.

I have no clue if any real progress is being made, but, it's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. And not a fun one, either...

Hard stuff, bblake! I'd say there seem sto be some positives, so thats something.

Oh the dang roller coaster. I love roller coasters, I'd like to blow this one up!

Hope you get to feeling better.

I will chip in to help cover the cost of some of the explosives.

Blake, from an outside view, I also see some positives. My W has said nothing about the future in terms of us. We had some friends ask if we wanted to go on vacation with them this summer and my W said we couldn't make any plans because she may have a new job. My mind reading tells me that she said no because she doesn't plan on being together this summer. (I think someone, or maybe 10 different people have told me stop mind reading. I can't help it). Oh well, I would consider talking about the future as a good thing though. Press on Blake.

Tallula & Grizz - I'll chip in as well...

Again, I'm sure some of what I posted about above falls under the 'believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see' rule.

I'm trying to avoid equating what I hear her saying as progress, because I just don't see any action there yet. She does seem appreciative of the acts of service - which was her biggest complaint that she has voiced. Overall, I do believe her to be very confused still, with no real idea of what she wants or even how to get to a point where she can decide.

The restaurant issue is a huge albatross on her back right now. She's never been one to admit when she was wrong, or for that matter when I was right about something we disagreed on. So her statement today was kind of a milestone.

And when it all boils down, it could end up that she simply sees this as a friendship - and I suppose that's fine. I'll be alright either way, though it's certainly not what I'm working for - but that's a risk we take...

Well.... Talked to W on the phone last night while on the way home. W said she had a convo with a coworker that was going to make me very mad, I told her I doubted that was the and if she deLly thought that, there was no point in telling me. She did anyway.

The convo was about our sleeping arrangements and a couple very personal comments about out non-existent sex life. When she was done, she said see, I knew that would make you mad; before I even had a chance to comment. I laughed and said it takes a lot more than that to get me mad, and that she was perfectly capable to make her own decisions to talk about what she wanted with whomever she wanted. Frankly, the revelation of the convo had no impact on my emotions at all.

She said that both she and D23 were sure I'd be angry. D23 asked me about it this morning, since she thought the issues were too personal to discuss with people she barely knows. I told D23 the same thing I told W.

My thoughts are kind mixed right now overall, but, all it really did was make it easier to detach that much more. I think I'm getting to the point where I might become a WAH - I have greater mixed feelings about that than anything else right now...