Hey S, just stopping by as I see my friends, mach and cat have come to visit. They are the best.
And please hear cat when she says she might not be so nice next time. LOL!
I just wanted to say a couple of things. Hope you dont mind. Ive been around a long time.
I understand your reason for asking that your wife go into an agreement with you regarding seeing others. Unfortunately, most times when that's done, it is not really kept. It sounded good to her at the time. It made things easier when she said it. And maybe she even had the intentions to keep it. I like to think positively as often as I can.
And who knows what the info you've been given really means?
The thing is, it doesnt really matter. I know you are shaking your head saying, what is she talking about? This really needs to be about you and your kids and you becoming the person you were meant to be.
That's really what dbing is all about. And sometimes it saves marriages.
What I do each day is I try to remember the person I want to be. I try to live that each day. Some days I make it, some I dont, but that is always the goal.
You have a wonderful opportunity here. You get to show your children how to navigate through life's turmoils with dignity, courage and strength. How lucky are you?
Will it be hard for them, absolutely. But, they are watching you closely. And if they see that you are ok, then they will be, too.
And be careful that the reasons for keeping wife out of the fold are what you say and not for any other reasons, ya know?
Spartan, you handled the situation with your daughter really well. I can't even imagine how hard it must be.
I also see that you are in a good emotional place. That's awesome.
I disagree that you need to tell people to stop telling you about your W's actions. I think these are signs you need to see and listen to. I ignored the signs I got many, many times, and I don't like where I ended up. To me, knowledge is power--the power to make the right decisions.
Hey S, just stopping by as I see my friends, mach and cat have come to visit. They are the best.
And please hear cat when she says she might not be so nice next time. LOL!
Thanks for stopping by and feel free to add any insight (or welt on the head) that you can. With regards to Cat there better not be a next time and if there is I already told her to scratch away...
Originally Posted By: urworthy
And be careful that the reasons for keeping wife out of the fold are what you say and not for any other reasons, ya know?
Fully understand what you mean here. Rest assured my motives are pure as snow on this. I pray daily that my W and kids have a strong R through all this. No matter how hard it is I would prefer the kids to take it out on me because I know I can handle it, not sure how W would react right now and I don't want her to do something stupid she would later regret. I think I have a good support group and they aren't afraid to hit me up side the head if they think I'm doing things for wrong reason.
Thanks Tori. D7 followed up talk today with a few more little questions and seemed more at peace with everything. Said she wants to make sure she can help pick out OUR new house. Taking away false hope isn't fun but (sorry Cat) had to be done to protect them later. I want to be realistic with kids and make sure they understand what our future might look like.
Originally Posted By: tori2012
I disagree that you need to tell people to stop telling you about your W's actions. I think these are signs you need to see and listen to. I ignored the signs I got many, many times, and I don't like where I ended up. To me, knowledge is power--the power to make the right decisions.
I also ignored the signs for a long time (these types of things have been reoccurring for last 8 years and I have plenty of hard evidence, I was so weak before BD...). I completely understand where you're coming from. My point in telling them to stop is I have all the dirt/ info I need to convince myself to walk away with a clear conscience. Thing is, this info doesn't help me on my current goal, to improve myself so I'm proud of who I am and I become an even better dad to my kids. Right now my kids and my own well being are all that matter to me. That type of info is just noise to me and there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Some people say you need it in order to not become a doormat.
Personally, I believe that some serves a purpose, to allow you to find your way, to make your decision to stand or not...
I think once you have made your choice, of where your line in the sand is, then you don't need to receive more, and when there is something that crosses that line, we will receive what we need.
Otherwise, all it does is add fuel to a fire that we are trying to put out within ourselves.
People are strange creatures. We say we want others to be happy. Sometimes I wonder though, whose determines what happiness is for others...
In my own sitch, there was stuff that if I had known, may have caused me not to go through with the wedding to begin with. And honestly, I don't believe I would have been happier if that had been the case.
Was my M perfect? Not by a long shot.
Was it the worst M ever? Not by a long shot.
I had a lot of happy years. I was able to give my S the family I so wanted him to have.
The "intel", for me, had little impact on the outcome of my M. Personally, I would have tried to work through almost anything. My X, didn't feel the same way. After the bomb, I realize that the most loving thing I could give to him, and really to both of us, was to let him go.
Just make sure that you are being true to yourself. That you know where your line is. I think you are figuring it out and that is part of this process.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Just to add another perspective...I think when people tell us things they're sure we need to know, unless we are truly secure in who we are we tend to react so others don't think we are a doormat, or weak or crazy, stupid blind.
Letting go of egao and the need to please others is such a central part of this process.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, you got me thinking there... My current direction is for me and for the first time, probably ever, I'm feeling secure with who I am. Being the doormat, feeling weak, etc... of my past are all directly related to my ego of not wanting to look like a failure to everyone that thought I had the perfect life with a great M. People always commented how great a family we were and I didn't want to let them down. We were a poster family for a while in our church circle for how us going back to God saved our M...
There is a LONG list of things I regret doing just because I thought it would make someone else happy. Not blaming them, I did it to myself and have learned a valuable lesson (so what if it took 38 years...).
I recently learned about the Karpman Drama Triangle and can relate so many situations in my life to that simple diagram.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Stumbled across this old post that mentions doormat. I feel like I could have written this today but he says it much better than I ever could:
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Several of us, myself included, are moving through this journey and have encountered what I believe is a major sign post.
An essential step.
An understanding.
An awakening of sorts.
I am referring to that moment when one reconciles the dilemna of STANDING.
I have written already about the fact that as we begin this journey we decide to STAND.
We STAND because of what I will call BASE factors
We want our M back
We want our spouse to want us back
We want our spouse to see us as the more desirable option
We want to ease our own pain
We want our own self esteem back
We (may) want to punish spouse by appearing to be morally superior
We want ________ because we get _________ in return.
We STAND on these principles.
We communicate these principles and inevitably we meet with question and resistance.
From family, friends and
from ourselves.
Because it is hard for most people to imagine themselves making this decision.
It is a sacrifice of sorts at this stage.
We are looked on as victims of bad behavior, incongruent behavior to REAL LOVE.
So in that light we begin to feel like victims or that we are being taken advantage of in a sense and are perceived as such by the world. A DOORMAT if you will.
As time goes on and those who care about us begin to be more concerned about our mental and emotional health and question more emphatically why we choose to be a DOORMAT.
Or how long will you be a DOORMAT.
Then you begin to doubt yourself and your decision and the focus goes back to your beloved and now you look on them not with eyes of a scourned lover, a left behind, abandoned spouse, but with real scrutiny.
We begin to question why we would SACRIFICE our own happiness and endure such hardship to regain the love of a person who so obviously is not capable of the same for us or even anyone else.
It is then that the MIRACLE happens.
Through all the pain and seemingly fallow soil a sprout
of green punches through...
This growth is something new and it
is OURS, we planted it, we sowed it
For it is certain our seed was trampled upon many times before
it took root.
But it did take root and
it grows, upwardly reaching, toward the light.
The miracle is the love for yourself.
You are no longer the choices your spouse makes
You are no longer whether your M reconciles or not
You are no longer the failures you see in yourself
You are no longer a victim because only YOU can choose to be one.
Then you a FREE
Free to make the choice to STAND for YOURSELF.
This I believe can only be achieved through the decision to STAND in the first place.
Only through that decision can we experience the pain involved to know completely what it means to be free.
What is means to love.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thanks for the post, Spartan. It takes a while to get to where we are, when we can fully understand ourselves and be in tune with what really matters in life. Hey, it took me 38 years too!
