Back and cruise was a lot of fun. Kids and I had a blast together and I went all out and acted more like my true self and didn't hold back. D7 and I played in a game show in front of a huge audience (I had to dance gangnam style alone during it), we danced every night, swam with dolphins, and just had a really fun time. Probably most fun I've ever had on a vacation which is odd with sitch.
W and I were pretty distant entire trip. We were always together and had small talk with kids around but no Disney magic at all. I tried to engage her but I could tell early on it was her mission to act as D'd friends to show kids we could still do things together (which she said a few weeks back). I didn't let that affect me while on trip and just did things I and kids wanted. Again being friends isn't a bad thing but I was kind of hoping for a little pixie dust magic to sprinkle over us since things were trending positively before trip and I hoped it would continue but not surprised it didn't happen.
Plane ride home was a different story. After they all fell asleep it hit me hard that this could be our last trip. I started feeling bad that I wasn't good enough, thinking about how we got to this point, getting mad at her for all she'd done wrong, getting mad at myself, etc... Not a fun 3 hours. Got off plane and sent quick e-mail to buddy and he got my head on straight again. He told me to stop with the pity party and compared me to a dysfunctional pile of monkey $hit when I'm in that mood. Thankfully that worked and I was fine the next couple days and nothing stupid was said and I showed a good attitude.
But...I found out through a friend that W has been talking to a new guy that she works with and friend said it didn't look 'normal'. New guy works midnight shift and W has now picked up some of those shifts... I know the guy from my original post fizzled out a little while back. Well 2 days ago she said new guys name during her sleep. I won't lie that this has set me back again with regards to us. I just have a real hard time seeing a way I can ever trust her. We had agreed to the boundary that neither of us would see anyone until everything with us was final. Completely unrelated to that we had a talk yesterday where she said some pretty crazy things and I admittedly didn't handle as well as I could. No more talking about custody with her!!! I wish I felt more compassion but I'm getting sick of her attitude towards me, the marriage, other guys, etc... so I called her out on some stuff rather then try to understand like I had been (not sure she cared if I understood anyway). Our work schedules this week are such that we won't see each other much so I think it's likely a 'quiet zone' week while I get my thoughts back together. I'm still working on myself but I realize just how far I really have to go since my W can still push my buttons and hurt me... I admit my hopes were starting to rise since we seemed to be getting along but she made it pretty clear last night that it was just to get through the vacation for the kids and nothing had changed. I know, don't believe what she says and half of what she does but there isn't anything positive right now with us.
On to more work on me and time will decide what happens to us in the long run. Fully expecting a couple 2x4's for my lack of focus last night but it's ok, head is already a little welted so I got the message...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Back and cruise was a lot of fun. Kids and I had a blast together and I went all out and acted more like my true self and didn't hold back.
Glad to see you back and glad you had a good time with the kids. Disney magic...it's all in how you look at it (I'm a Disney freak). And most of the fun, is because of the kids and allowing yourself to be one...
Originally Posted By: Spartan
But...I found out through a friend that W has been talking to a new guy that she works with and friend said it didn't look 'normal'.
I hate those stupid buts...
How does this change the fun you had on vacation?
How does this change what you are trying to do?
There could be many more of these...
You need to figure out sooner than later if you can forgive her or not.
Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain, whether it is one thing or lots of things...
If you can't forgive her, you won't trust her. If you can't trust her, or don't believe you will be able to rebuild it, or at least have the desire to try, you are wasting your time...
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I wish I felt more compassion but I'm getting sick of her attitude towards me, the marriage, other guys, etc... so I called her out on some stuff rather then try to understand like I had been
Did this hurt you or help you?
What can you do to make things different for you?
I wish stuff too...that I had a cat, that I had a million dollars, that I was taller...
Some stuff I can change, some stuff I can't. I accept that and do what I can to make my wishes come true. Of course, there is no pixie dust I can sprinkle to make myself taller, so I learned to be good being 4'10", and occasionally I wear high heels.
Done with the backslide yet?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Glad you're back and really glad to hear about the cruise! I'm sure the kids will always remember it, and that was the point right?
I remember being in your sitch not that long ago and I'll tell you, the sooner you give up worrying about what W is doing, the better off you'll be. She's going to do what she wants and there's nothing you can do about it. Focus on you.
Remember, if she's pushing your buttons, she's likely just looking for some confirmation that she's doing the right thing...don't give it to her.
Spartan, I'm glad you had such a nice time on the cruise.
Take this week to recharge. It seems your W still is in WAS mode, so there is nothing you can do except for bettering yourself and not giving in when she wants to provoke you.
Good stuff Spartan So true on the changes, I think at first we're all just "wearing the shirt" thinking "if I do X, Y and Z changes then she'll come back to me". At some point we realize they're not the quick fix we hoped for, so we have to choose a path, either give up on them and revert to old ways or do the hard work it takes to embrace the changes for ourselves instead of for our spouses. If we choose the latter, the changes take real root and become part of us, and they are no longer 180's.
Thanks for replies guys and yes the kids will remember it, as I will, and that is all that counted and the real goal of the trip. First time in a long time that I felt like a kid for an extended amount of time and I absolutely loved it. I think I mentioned it above that it's the most fun I've probably ever had on a trip and a real bonding experience with kids, not that this has ever been an issue with us. I'm still smiling over some of the things we did together.
Originally Posted By: cat04
Done with the backslide yet?
Yes, I think I'm done backsliding. Combination of letting hope get a little ahead of itself and being hurt by some news led to me slipping a little. Took some encouragement through the day but I'm feeling ready to get back to it. Still learning to either keep my mouth shut or reach out to someone before acting...
Originally Posted By: cat04
If you can't forgive her, you won't trust her. If you can't trust her, or don't believe you will be able to rebuild it, or at least have the desire to try, you are wasting your time...
The trust question is the one I've been asking myself a lot the last several days, and likely why I haven't been on here until today. Feels like every time I feel I'm forgiving her or feel like I can trust again something else comes up and I'm back to being mayor of Hurtsville. I know I control my feelings and I don't even need to run for mayor but it's where I'm currently at in my journey to improving so not going to lie about it to you guys and only post the good stuff... I want to forgive her but since same things keep arising it's still hard for me and the hurt is still just as real. Yes I know I used 'but' in that sentence and it's an excuse (just read 3-4 pages of a thread just about that word that you posted in ), problem is right this second I'm not sure if it's my reality as well.
I struggled a little with that last line earlier today and thank you for making me think about it. No matter what happens with marriage or if I ever do regain trust for W I DO NOT feel like I'm wasting my time at all. I'm looking at myself in completely different ways and being asked questions that really challenge me as a man and what I believe in, I'm learning about who I am now and who I want to be (and realizing even some of these things change as I learn more). I'm learning about what love is and about what my core values really are. I'm learning valuable things that were never taught to me that I will pass on to my kids so they hopefully don't make the same mistakes I made... As much as I hoped that my M could be saved and we would become the perfect happy family the most important thing to me is that I become the person I want to be and I pass those traits on to my kids. So no, this isn't a waste of time at all.
Originally Posted By: cat04
Did this hurt you or help you?
What can you do to make things different for you?
The talk last night didn't help my sitch with W but it gave me a little peace which our last 'talks' definitely haven't done. Throughout the attacks and odd comments she made I said what was on my mind about my position on upcoming court, reiterated my boundaries (which she said she didn't care about which I'm working through how to handle), stated some of the things she was doing were hurting me, and didn't attack her. Could I have done it better? Of course and probably best would have been to just have stopped it before it got started. One of my changes, for better or worse, is to not just push things under the rug and let them fester. Thing I still need work on is doing it in a more constructive way that doesn't lead to anyone's raised blood pressure.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
the sooner you give up worrying about what W is doing, the better off you'll be. She's going to do what she wants and there's nothing you can do about it. Focus on you.
For at least the next week I'm going as dim as possible to work on me and stop worrying about her or marriage. I've come a long way but I obviously have a LONG way to go. Good thing I'm only 38
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Throughout the attacks and odd comments she made I said what was on my mind about my position on upcoming court, reiterated my boundaries (which she said she didn't care about which I'm working through how to handle), stated some of the things she was doing were hurting me, and didn't attack her.
There was only one boundary and that was that neither of us would see other people until D is final. When I called her out on this latest (current) guy her response was that it's none of my business what she's doing or who she's talking with or seeing and we're getting a D so that agreement doesn't mean anything to her. We made agreement couple months after paperwork was filed so only thing that changed is she found someone new. I was upset but instead of yelling about it I just said I was sick of all the lying and things will now be different around here.
Last several months I've been really trying to be a friend, regain trust, and include her in everything with regards to family. Results: I was feeling a little better about our chances, was starting to feel like we were connecting as friends again, we were enjoying each other, family times were filled with laughter, and I was slowly starting to build trust with her. Come to find out she is still seeing other people and lying about a lot of things (a friend that works with her called me this AM and told me about another lie :o).
So...for my own sanity and for what I feel is best for my kids I'm going to start doing more 'family' things without W. It's confusing for me so I can only imagine what my kids feel when for the last month everything has seemed better than ever with family stuff. I don't want them (or me) to go from that right into house for sale and D thoughts again. For all of us I need to get more into a mindset that family is now my kids and I. This doesn't mean shutting W completely out, being nasty, or anything like that but I have to realize where she's at and the things she's doing are not healthy for a family. I need to at least start preparing us for the real possibility of a new 'family mentatality' for my kids and I.
She's not leaving house and I won't so need to find ways to change the dynamic so she feels like she is losing me and the family. Seems like way too much cake eating going on. Talked with buddy last night and he helped me figure out some new things I'll start setting up. For instance I'm planning to take kids to an event on Saturday night just the 3 of us, this is type of thing we would usually all go to. The only thing I said to W yesterday was to ask if she had plans with kids and when she said no I told her I was taking them to this, she was surprised but no fight. She did sleep on couch again which she said she wasn't doing anymore because it hurt her back (sleeping on couch is her decision). I'm also going to limit/ stop the family dinner nights where we all go out and pretend to be a happy family. I'm also done picking up messes and working on her computer stuff, she's going to have to figure this stuff out on her own. There are a few others.
Believe me when I tell you this is extremely hard for me. Doing things as a complete family has always been one of the most important parts of my life. I just feel like it's time to make this change so kids and I can start figuring out what our future may look like. The continued pattern of being lied to and hurt has to stop (yes she's been late for kids stuff last couple months that I've helped cover up). This doesn't mean I'm dropping the rope, giving up, or anything like that. It's a change to the dynamic.
Wish me luck and get ready for some "I need support" type threads because this is going to be VERY hard on me.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
About the "other" man. Unless your friend (and I question that, sounds like a busybody) saw them having sex, doesn't mean a thing. Maybe she was flirting, maybe he was flirting. So what? I see people advising here regularly that the LBS go out and flirt to help their self-esteem. I don't get that but the point is it doesn't have to mean anything unless you give it meaning.
Don't make this about what she's done to you, or what she might do to you. Make this about how you can have a good life, no matter what the outcome.
This, Doing things as a complete family has always been one of the most important parts of my life. has been a theme around here this week. Read some of busting's thread, you are not alone in this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
), problem is right this second I'm not sure if it's my reality as well.