Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW being super nice. What does it mean?

^^^Excellent advice from Tallula in the last several posts!! I agree completely. Maintain your distance, don't initiate any R talks, but if your W brings it up then listen and validate. Do not argue/ reason/ explain/ beg/ plead/ negotiate!! Just listen and validate. Mirror back her emotions to her. "You sound anxious, is that how you feel?" If yes, then "Yes, I can understand why this would make you feel anxious." You're not agreeing or disagreeing, just validating. When my W said she wanted to leave I told her something like "well I would rather you stay here and work on the M with me, but most of all I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving is what will make you happy then I support your decision and will help in whatever way I can." I can't tell you how hard that was to say when every fiber of my being wanted to say "NO!!!! You HAVE to stay!! You can't leave! Don't you see what a stupid decision that is??? Stay, it is the only way you will be truly happy!! I've changed!! Stay and see how much I've changed and how much better things will be!!!" The former statement opened the cage door and set her free. The latter statement would have made her feel even more caged in and miserable. The former was validating, the latter would have been pressure.

Hmmm. Would the above be okay to say to her before she moves out? That is actually kinda how I feel. The first part seems like it would be backsliding on the distancing a bit. My gut tells me she would appreciate hearing it though.

I understand your concern about the first part possibly being a backslide, but I think in this case it's OK because basically you're saying you're setting your own desires aside to allow her the freedom to make the choice. She already knows you want her to stay and you want to repair the marriage, so you're not really putting additional pressure on (in fact you're taking the pressure off).

By the way, the structure of this statement comes from Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which is a good read if you have the time.

Thanks AnotherStander! I appreciate everyone who has contributed to my thread, but you especially have been a big help for me over the last few weeks. It seems every time I follow your advice things get a little bit better with the W!

You're quite welcome, I'm glad to hear it's helping

Hi everyone, my W will be in the house one more week before moving into her own place. Any suggestions on how I should handle this time together? I'm assuming I should just continue to distance? Or should I be a bit friendlier than normal? I thought about going completely dark, but I think that would be too much.

Personally when my W was still at home I showed her the kind, loving H that she felt was lacking before BD. I kept it up until after she moved, and in fact I helped her move things and get things set up in her new house. I got a lot of "WTH are you doing???" comments both here and from my friends, LOL! But I didn't want us parting on a sour note. I don't have any regrets over it. But I did start detaching in a big way after she moved out.

Since she's only there another week I wouldn't go crazy trying to distance or go dark for now. You'll have plenty of time for that after she moves. I scanned your thread again but couldn't find too much about what the problems were in your M, just keep in mind that Michele says if you were cold and distant in the M that going dark can be seen by the WAS as "more of the same" behavior, so be careful with it.

I'm with AS. There is a big difference between detaching & LRM. I too helped my H get his stuff together. I was kind & loving, but no R talk (unless he brought it up, and I tried to just listen). Pull back means this to me (look at sandi's sticky!!) don't floor W around the house, don't ask her on dates, if you were the one to start conversations let her start them.

When H moved out is when my real detachment has started.

You can do this!

SANDI WROTE:

no sex b/c
"Different people have different POV, and it's difficult for a lot of men not to succumb to his WAW who is all nicey-nice. Don't trust her enough to risk your health if she's been with OM. If you don't know "if" she's been with him......don't take chances. No sex is worth that much! Wait it out until you find answers.

That's my opinion."

And it's a valid opinion. But it's not always "THE" DB opinion.

My DB coach said "there are different points of view". Some would argue that "no man ever went home to the great sex he NEVER had with his wife."

But My neighbor took Sandi's view (albeit with a punitive spin). She insisted that I "cut h off sex, now!" b/c he had left...

After reflecting a bit, I realized my neighbor was a married woman in a miserable marriage. She has the affliction of needing to be "right" in her sad marriage. I KNEW her advice might have been well meant, but it was not coming from a healthy place... and

I also know my h's love language is touch and sex is how he felt connected.

My DB coach gave me some criteria...

Determine these things.

1) Is there another person also having sex with your spouse? IF so, what type of person?

(In my case, I felt & still feel that my h would not, given his "health nut" status, sleep with someone likely to have an STD. He's not the type even when he was in his MLC.

Sure I could be wrong. I concede the possibility. I know I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did date & I did find a man I dated to be attractive.

Since I didn't sleep w/OP, even though I had the opportunity, I feel like I have to believe my h when he says he did not either. ALso, most of the dating tended to remind me of how well suited h and I are for each other. He seemed to discover the same.

2) how would YOU FEEL afterwards, if an immediate recon did not happen? Meaning, I think, would you feel used, or closer to the spouse?

IOW, Is this something you can handle?

and

3) what was the role of sex IN the marriage? Was it a strength of the r, a spicey element that helps your spouse feel more connected?


AND OR

did it become THE reason the WAS left, (so that now you feel you have to show change?)

Finally, and this is KEY and hugely important...

Please Do Not let anyone here, including me, tell you what to do

or not do in this most intimate & private of matters.

Don't let them berate you for your choice. IF the DB coaches say that "it depends", then it depends.

None of this means you can't get an STD test.

A single friend of mine who "always asks for test results" from prospective sex partners,

(my reaction to that just shows how little I dated lately, b/c that was such a weird thing to hear her say...)

says she offers to go WITH the person for the test and takes one too, like it's a form of foreplay.
Hey...different strokes...

Thanks AS and Tallula, would it be okay to ask her out to a friendly dinner? Certainly not a date, but I would make it clear it would be just to make our last week together a friendly one.