Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers post-D with WAW

25 thank u for blaming the iPhone. Yes it's not me cause I perfect. Think the batteries are low and the spelling thing and grammar thing don't work. Lol

Wow! nice to get a flood of encouragement after waiting for this to go through moderation. I have read DR and a lot about relationships in general, since this started. I didn't relize how much I didn't know in this area.



I have had a hard time piecing this together, since she wanted no communication after deciding to leave. The main issue is that she feels she can't trust me to be there for her. She had an injury from a fall awhile ago, and while she recovered I was not supportive. In addition, I've put too much emphasis on my career, and she felt neglected. When I hit a particuarly stressful time, and we started arguing, I lashed out by saying I didn't want to continue working on the relationship. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for her.

I am not trying to ignore the pain she must have had to endure to reach this decision. I characterized her as a WAW only because the last part of our M breakdown played out that way. I do not feel the victim here.

I think it would be dishonest to say that this was all my fault, but my poor behavior played a major role in the M falling apart. And, as well, it was my inability to have compassion for her shortcomings (withdrawing if she was angry, being overly needy at times) that speeded the final result. I am still learning about what makes a good relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts and interest.

Your definitely not alone....in fact I am in the same situation (minor differences aside)with having the unknown always telling me to try to reach out.....Honestly, listen to the DB' counselors, reread the book, get more information on as much as you can, and listen to those that are kind enough to share their experiences and advice here on these threads. It will take you a bit, but it will be well worth it!
The number 1 thing you will find is that a better, more improve, educated, stronger you always looks better than what you (she) left behind. Plus the skill sets you are now discovering with help to circumvent future setbacks!

As for to the statistics....I agree, don't get too hung up on them, but the one thing I did find was that of those people that remarry, a second or third time, they stand a ball park 60-64% chance of failure with their 2nd, and 70-74% chance of failure with their 3rd marriages. But, of those couples who remarry an ex-spouse, and that population number is hard to find, but estimates have it around 10-15%, The success of that marriage to ex-spouses is in the 74% ranges, based primarily on all that was worked on and out by the individuals before they rejoin each other to reconcile.

Hang in there....stick to the process and allow it to work for you as you work on yourself.
Relax, Breathe Deep...you have time on your side, use it to your advantage!

Thanks, JJ. You, and others, are right that I shouldn't be too focused on the statistics. Just knowing them, though, helps ground me. I'm okay if I learn it's rare to remarry. The couple rough odds quoted are actually encouraging. It suggests that it's somewhat uncommon, but can happen. I know I still want a reconciliation, so this helps with the path forward.

But you're also right that working on me is something I need to continue with, independent of the path. I have been settling into a new routine and developing positive and constructive outlooks. It's a struggle.

Journaling:
Have been working with my DB coach to develop friendly and positive interactions with W over last month or so. We had a great interaction with our S's science project, joking around as a family and enjoying one another's company. The following weekend, I invited her along to the zoo with S and I. She declined but was very polite about it.

Since then, I've noticed a pulling away from her. She hasn't contacted me about practical details of parenting. I tried to talk to her about choosing S's school for next year. She wanted only to know what decision I had made.

So, perhaps she is reacting to my efforts to be more friendly toward her. One of the things she told me about her parent's divorce when we were together, was that she was bothered by how her dad always wanted to act as if her and her mom were good friends. I fear that she think I am trying to whitewash the past by acting friendly toward her.

Woohoo! I'm off moderation!

Okay, so here's a question for anyone whose been following my sitch. My W has been acting cold toward any attempts on my part to be more friendly. I'm okay with that. She does not trust me, and my history of being hot and cold with her will take awhile to walk back from.

So, there is a mutual friend in town,and I am throwing a party so our friends can all get together with him. I didn't invite her. This was hard for me to do. I wanted to invite her, but felt she would see that as using our mutual friend as an excuse to see her (manipulating and pursuing). By not inviting her, though, I risk making her feel like I am trying to exclude her from our common community of friends.

Was this the right choice?

Congrats. I needed 100 posts.


Yes, it is. One of the core principles of DBing is to "GAL" - "get a life", go out and enjoy yourself. Throwing a party is just the right thing.

Thanks, longrun. It seems obvious in hindsight, but that was hard to go through with.

She dropped our S off today, and seemed to not want to talk. I brought up a couple of practical issues relating to S's schedule, and it seemed to help ease her into an interaction. She just seems to be so distrustful and cold toward me that I'm having a hard time visualizing this changing anytime soon. My coach is suggesting positive co-parent centered interactions, so I guess I should try to brainstorm possibilities in this area. I feel like she is acutely sensitive to me trying something like this, and attributing it to tactics to get her back. I certainly don't want her to feel pressured to interact with me.

My W also conjured up all kinds of negatives in the beginning. The WAS are collecting reasons for validating the break-up so that they feel better with their decision. This is only a temporary stage lasting some weeks or months. Stay calm and friendly towards her, let her be, eventually I bet the interaction will become smoother again. Easier said than done, I know.