After the bomb W desperately wanted me to tell her I was 100% fine so that she wouldn't feel badly. That had really nothing to do with really wanting me to be fine -- it's about guilt relief. Despite their stoic appearance I do think the guilt is torture so they will try to reach out and pave things over. When the reaching out gets our hopes up, they sense it and deliver another smack down -- it's a push pull dance that can go on for a long time.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks for posting this update re the discussion you had with your wife. I am starting year 4 of life in Limbo after the Bomb drop. Wife and I still live together post bomb, EA and PA.
It has been 13 months since our last relationship discussion and like you, I have the same feelings and questions. I really liked the way you framed the discussion and choice of words.
I am not expecting a response any different then the one you received, but I also need to move on.
Hey 2. Good to see you. I know, man. It hurts bad, sends us ruminating, robs us of our mojo. I know you know how to handle this. You handled it well beginning a few months after D-Day.
Like Accuracy said, drag yourself back to the board and paddle out -- there are some beautiful swells out there. Mmmmm....And, you are so money.
What's your next adventure, 2? Whatcha gonna do with your boys?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thanks everyone, for the nice welcome back. I've been lurking and posting occasionally to other threads. But just didn't feel up to posting on my own thread until I felt like there was something new to post about.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
If you want to give her relief act as if. If you need time to grieve, don't worry about it --these are her choices and you don't need to fix it for her. You do need to let her off the hook at this point and give up on temperature taking.
Easier said than done. Just today, W sends me a text asking about my availability in March. She wants to order basketball tickets. She also reminded me that it is spring break and she would like to plan a little side-trip. On the heels of our conversation from just 2 days ago, what could possibly be running through her mind?
Originally Posted By: Bustorama
Like Accuracy said, drag yourself back to the board and paddle out -- there are some beautiful swells out there. Mmmmm....And, you are so money.
Ha! I remember that one, Busto! I have a friend who tries to remind me of that from time to time. I just need to live it, breathe it, believe it!!
Originally Posted By: Bustorama
What's your next adventure, 2? Whatcha gonna do with your boys?
Good question. My plans for a high sierra camping trip last summer got bumped due to the consulting gig that cropped up unexpectedly at the same time. I suspect we'll try again this summer. I would like to try something else with them, like maybe a cruise or a ski trip or something like that. I'll have to see. These consulting gigs are coming fast and furious and the client up in Maine wants me back for another round. So planning gets a little difficult.
Speaking of catching a wave; surfing used to be my passion when I was younger. I've always wished we lived near the coast where I could teach the boys how to surf and watch the stoke build in them like it once did for me. I did recently take the boys to watch the movie "Chasing Mavericks" and they both thought it was mucho supremo!
Hmmm, maybe Costa Rica...
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Accuray great post. For some reason it was an aha for me - the part about how they want to relieve their guilt but instead it gives us false hope. I am sure I have read something similar but it really made sense this time
Me too....H is just happy I am making the transition easy, I guess. He says he has a commitment to me (ie in terms of seeing me solid and on my own, and I know he is attracted to me) but really doesn't want to be here. So, I get the false hope all the time.
