I think my therapist is trying to build me up. He is telling me how well I connect with him in our sessions and he says that the number one killer of marriages is a lack of intimacy.
He also knows how Im too focused on my W and may be trying to diminish her in my eyes so that I can detach more, not sure, just a guess....
I get that....
I just question the ethics of a person that builds a person up, by tearing another down...
Especially one that gets paid to dig a little deeper than a local Bartender would.
And it sounds like a personal interjection of emotion from them....
"He also knows how Im too focused on my W and may be trying to diminish her in my eyes so that I can detach more, not sure, just a guess...."
I don't think so. He said he was mad at her. What if he told you he had the hots for her and wanted to jump her bones??? How would that be appropriate?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
If Rick thinks this guy was professionally inappropriate, I would listen to Rick, personally, Rick's a very smart guy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
OK, enough about my therapist! I just rented an apt. Small studio, five minutes away from my house. Month to month lease....
I'am hoping this will show my w that I "hear" her and I respect her feelings and wishes. This is what the tug of war has been all about since August.
I know she wants a divorce, she served me, and I know she wants to sell the house in the summer and take her share of the money and move on with her life. My DB coach said I need to coparent and be amicable and move out. Done.
The next step is to hope that now that the tug of war is over, we can become friends again, and eventually do family things together. Then, if she see's my changes, and see's I'm a great father, maybe our friendship will lead to a rekindling of romance down the road, if she doesn't fall in love with another man.
Many woman I have talked to have told me that once a woman falls out of love, there's NOTHING you can do to get that love back. In my w's case, she's so angry and resentful towards me, I really question whether that could ever happen.
I had a long talk with my cousin this morning and after telling her my story, she said that she thought my w was selfish and entitled. She said that maybe w never really loved me and used me to get to the point she's at now and since I put her through grad school and she has a new career, she doesn't need me anymore and wants a divorce.
I don't know, but I'm afraid of holding onto hope only to have my heart broken again. I'am confused whether to give up and divorce her asap, so that we can move on with our lives, or to continue down this road of hope and heartbreak. My cousin said I should D asap and if w really loves me, she will find her way back. If not, she never loved me to begin with.
I know this isn't DB talk, but I'am feeling down today.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Careful listening to friends and family. Generally, their advice is to move on as quickly as possible as they want to see you happy again, and believe that's the fastest way to get you there. You'll get that advice over and over. Hell, I can't even bring up my sitch to anyone at this point as they all tell me I've worked at it long enough and should just move on. They all mean well...
You have to decide what is right for you. If you want to stay married, then work towards that. If you are finished, sign the papers and move on. Either way, I think you have a lot of work to do on you before you R with W or move on to another relationship. Why not focus on that and worry about the rest later?
Yeah, your right about that! Family and friends care about me and want me to be happy. Will continue to work on me and see what happens. Thanks Breakdown.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Many woman I have talked to have told me that once a woman falls out of love, there's NOTHING you can do to get that love back.
If that were true then DB'ing would have a 0% success rate. Of course there are things you can do, you can make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave!
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In my w's case, she's so angry and resentful towards me, I really question whether that could ever happen.
Read Denver's threads, it was unbelievably how angry and resentful his W was. It was about as extreme as any sitch I've read here. Yet they're in piecing now. That's no guarantee that you too will be successful, but the point is that even when things seem really dire, there may still be a chance.
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She said that maybe w never really loved me and used me to get to the point she's at now and since I put her through grad school and she has a new career, she doesn't need me anymore and wants a divorce.
That's some pretty epic mind-reading there. I'd dismiss it.
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I'am confused whether to give up and divorce her asap, so that we can move on with our lives, or to continue down this road of hope and heartbreak.
The DB'ing path is not one of heartbreak. If you follow DB'ing, you will build yourself into a stronger, more independent, more emotionally centered you. You will become the person your W was attracted to in the first place. Hopefully this will attract her back to you again, but even if it doesn't you will not suffer heartbreak, because you won't just be acting stronger and more independent, you really will be.
