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Did talk to D21 last night.

She said she was in a bad mood, but was hiding it. Though she doesn't know why she acted like she did, she admitted it was a little over the top. I told her maybe not if she was feeling like her privacy was being minimized, but, only she could make that determination.

I also told her that even though she's an adult, she's still my kid and can talk to me about anything that's bothering her; just because she an adult doesn't mean I've stopped listening...

Last night was a much better night, overall...

The weekend, in general was pretty good - with a little weirdness...

D21 didn't have any issues and even started cutting up and joking like she normally would. She got to spend some time working with her horse, which always makes her happy, if not tired. It's funny watching her and her 115 lbs frame argue with a 1500 lbs horse - and scary...

W got home from work on Friday night and found dinner done and house straightened up. She ate, and thanked me for cooking again. I told her it wasn't a big deal; she works with food all day, I figure she doesn't want to have to deal with it when she gets home.

Saturday, when I woke her up to get ready for work, I accidentally brushed her hand as I walked past her to turn off her TV, and she grabbed my hand for about 30 seconds and didn't seem to want to let go. I let it pass without comment, but, it sent my mind spiraling again about whether it meant anything at all...

Saturday night W sat down to watch some TV and eat some pizza, she asked if I'd rub her feet and legs again; so I did. She must enjoy it at some level since it relaxes her enough to put her to sleep.

Last night, we both cooked dinner. During dinner she asked me what I thought about us buying a big screen TV; and I kind of looked at her quizzically. I wanted to ask her why we would commit to that when she has stated she wants to get a place of her own - but I didn't. I just told her that right now we have a few bills to get caught up on (I left the part out about since we went so long without a second income), and we should revisit this in May.

Now, I am glad that there seems to be some talk about the future from her. And I do the best I can to practice no expectations, believe nothing & half. And as far as Saturday & Sunday went, she didn't mention the former business or business partner at all. Which was definitely good...

BB,

this is a reaction I have that is "off the top of my head", okay?

I say don't toss in the barb about her not working since May. To a lot of women, having to work is a negative reflection on their h, as unfair as that may seem.
Plus she probably feels self esteem blows you are not aware of at all...and

to me, you sound a little bitter and as if you are scorekeeping. And not being fun.

Too bad you could not even ENTERTAIN the idea of a flat screen.

She may have wanted to play some, just daydream. Let it run its' course til SHE says "OMG I just investigated the costs of a good one...guess we'll have to wait a bit more." That way you are not just saying NO like a parent. The parental tone is a turn off. If she actually thinks you CAN afford it, and you don't, at least hear her out. You two may not be that far apart but "warring" about it isn't the way to work through something, with a winner and a loser.

I used to find it such a downer if I'd wonder out loud "where would WE go if we could go anywhere in the world"

and h's reaction would be first, an audible sigh, and "woe is me" comment about "first paying for ALL the kids' colleges"...I mean at that rate, it'd never happen.

you know, it cost nothing to dream...

Never going to turn down constructive criticism!




You couldn't have forced that barb out of me at gunpoint!




You are undoubtedly right on this - I've felt this to be the case for some time. She did mention that when she doesn't work, we don't have enough money to do what she wants to do. When she works, she doesn't have the time. I told her I certainly understand her frustration, and I continued to listen.




Again, probably some truth to this. I'm trying very hard to get the past out of my head since it cannot be changed. This used to be a constant battle inside my noggin, but, it is getting easier as time goes by.




Oh, there was MUCH more to the conversation. I was trying to keep the post brief, since I do have the tendency to be very detail oriented in what I post (the first three pages of this thread, for example ).

So, yes, there was a discussion, and at one point I told her I was toying with the idea of telling her to buy it - but I did tell her I'd prefer to revisit the idea in May. She thought about it and agreed that since we still have D13 and W's cruise in October to pay for, we should revisit the idea in May.

But you are right, I could have let her come to that conclusion on her own instead of diving into the 'we have no money' cop-out from the beginning...




I can certainly understand...

Oh.. and thanks 25 for the comments!!

Well, last night was a good night.

Cooked dinner again when I got home - was ready right when W got home from work. She looked frazzled. I asked her how her day was and I got a 'don't ask look' from her, which kinda made me chuckle because I knew a humorous story was going follow at some point.

After sitting down in the family room, W asked 'so you want to hear how my day went?' I said sure - and she proceeded to tell us. Yes, she had a rough day. And had I been hearing this story as the events were happening, there's no way I could have laughed, but, the way she was telling it was really funny, and she was laughing too.

About 8pm, I went to my bedroom to think - been a lot on my mind lately. I think W suspects this and came back several times to see what I was doing. Last time she came back, she asked if I would rub her legs again since they were hurting. I said sure, and gave her an hour long leg and back rub.

She was acting very sleepy and started to doze off, so I kinda brushed the hair out of her face and told her to go to sleep, turned down the TV, turned off the lights and was leaving the room. The door creaking must have woke her up and she asked where I was going, and if something was wrong. I told her I was going to sleep on the couch; to which she said no, that she would get up and go back to her room. I told her only if she wanted to, I had no problem sleeping on the couch.

In one sense, I probably messed up here. But, in reality, I'm not sure I can take sleeping in the same bed with her until some things get resolved. Is that unreasonable?

Now, I suspect that when she kept coming back to my room, she wanted me to tell her what's been on my mind, however, I don't want to start that conversation as I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring her. She didn't come out and ask me; but, had she asked, I would have told her I've just been thinking about a lot of things - just trying to get my thoughts together so that they mean something.

I think it's too soon to discuss much of the following, unless she specifically brings up the issues:

We haven't really set any boundaries yet, and there are a few boundaries and I think we need to discuss this, but, only when she feels ready to do so.

We haven't discussed what the S she asked for means, other than she's not happy and wants to get a place of her own.

She's still quite angry about some events in the last year, mainly related to the business partnership (at least hat's what she tells me), and I'm concerned she's going to let that anger consume her. Though, the last few days she hasn't mentioned them, so maybe she's starting to let go of that a little bit.

I am concerned about one of her meds - Lexapro - it's an anti-depressant, and she's been on it for four years. Things got really bad right after her doctor doubled her dosage in December 2011. The only emotion she seems to feel is anger, and it started right after he increased her dosage.

I went thru a similar problem while on AD meds as well - except I felt no emotion at all. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that it was due to the meds and that lifestyle changes could work better for me than meds ever could. She has to come to that conclusion herself though; there's nothing I or anyone else can say to convince her otherwise...

I think she wants to take the F250 when she goes. With her income, I don't think she can afford to feed it gas. To be clear, she could take whatever vehicle she wanted - they're all paid for.

Above all - I want none of the above separation events, but, if her leaving is the only way she can find happiness, then so be it.

So really, all of the above only applies if she still wants a S. Which, she has not mentioned since before Christmas, but, I don't feel like poking that rabid dog with a stick right now...

Blake, I just read through your entire thread. My W has said very similar things about me that your W stated. Sh has no privacy ( Facebook and email), I am definitely a " fixer". She has actually said, "can't you just let me vent and tell you something without trying to fix it. You can't fix everything", and I am also not the same person that I was prior to my health scare 5 years ago. My wife is also very angry at times. Angry over her work situation, over money issues, not being able to get a new car.

I have gained many things from your sitch. Primarily to give her space and to stop pouting around her. Acting as if I am happy is the hardest freaking thing though It drives me crazy!

I will keep following along. Good luck. Hopefully we can learn some things from each other as we go along.

I think most women (all that I know about)just want their H to listen as she vents. My DIL use to go home and vent about work, and my S would get so mad at her co-workers he'd want to go wipe the place out. I finally got him to realize she wasn't looking for an answer from him. She just needed him to hear her and be interested in what she was telling him.

If men could realize this detail about women, I think it would make a difference. Unless she actually asks for your assistance, then just support how she feels. That's another key point, don't criticize how she feels about it. Always let her know you are in her corner, b/c that's what she needs.

I know it gets tiring to hear a S vent about the job, but at least she's talking to you about it. That could open the door for other conversations.

Sandi - you're absolutely right. I can think of MANY cases where my W just wanted someone to listen to.

My problem is I've always been a fixer. When I was a kid, I'd take apart my toys and put them back together again; fixed everybody's bikes in the neighborhood; fixed lawn mowers; fixed and restored cars; designed automated assembly equipment for Ford and GM; now I maintain a large computer network - I'm a fixer. The idea of listening was totally foreign to me, until I started reading Michelle's books...

I'm a work in progress... lol.

But you were fixing things. Maybe you've been able to fix situations and make it better. Remember that this is about her feelings and needing reassurance that you support her.

I think most men see themselves as fixers.

My personal frustration with venting to my H was he would often tell me what I needed to do, or should have done. He usually came across as sounded critical of me. I would leave the discussion feeling worse.....and alone. Maybe I wanted him to just agree and tell me I was right, but if so, it was my way of wanting reassurance he was on my side.

I would suggest that you stop seeing yourself in the light of a fixer. I'm not saying you do this, but I've read several post from newcomers who sound rather proud to announce they are fixers. Truth is, that title (or talent) was a hindrance in the MR b/c it hinted at being an excuse to go against what was advised......like stepping back, don't bring up R talk, don't try to fix your W, etc.

I hope I've helped in some small way. I know it's hard to understand the opposite sex, b/c they are just that......opposite from us.