Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

I appreciate the heads up on that article, I'll check it out tonight. I'm almost positive there is no OM and the OEA was killed by OMW about 2 months ago, but what the h*ll do I know. Zombie W mentioned wanting to find her true love on BD, so it may be coming. W and I were each others first and got married at 19 and 18 years old (no, we didn't have to, we were M for over 7 years before first D). Now she constantly harps, "We got married too young", like it's some kind of mantra and explains SO much. As if this was some kind of revelation and not something in the last 23 years we've discussed, marveled at, and agreed how we beat the odds. These convos used to end in "I wouldn't change a thing, just lucky found each other so young."

Because of this history, and no offense to all that seemingly and impressively continue to stand after multiple PA's, I will divorce W the day I find out about a physical A. If she "woke up" the next day, I don't think I could ever trust or forgive her. I know that sounds bad, but it would be the ultimate betrayal of everything we stood for. My IC seems to imply I should expect it and I should cross that bridge when I come to it. Sometimes I just wish she would get it over with. I'm obviously not having a good day in Limbo Land.

. You said it Michelle.

If I haven't said it before Raine, you are f'ing awesome and compared to you, I am the biggest baby in the world. You are in my thoughts.
J

That's part of the script. Verbatim what is say in #1 for "14 Signs That Show if a Midlife Crisis is Destroying your Marriage." If this was the case, I think it would have shown it's ugly head a few years into the marriage, not 23. I do think that the idea of this is a factor with my H. I think he feels like he didn't get the chance to experience and date as much as he would have liked to. He's much more confident and successful now. Which does go along with why he is such a player in MLC. I just think it's only giving him moments of feeling great about himself, and then he's laden with guilt.

I'm in the same boat as you; my H and I were each others first. I'm glad your W hasn't gone PA. I don't know how far things have gone physically with any of the OW. I just know it has been physical and he is desperate to make me believe that things are more of a friendship with OW#1. I don't want to ever be with him if he has some incessant need to be friends with other women. That's a definite boundary for me. I'm finding it hard to balance the idea of being friendly and comfortable with him with him breaking that boundary. I haven't said anything to him about it.

H told me a few months ago that one day we would have a serious conversation about all this and I would never forgive him. He's not ready to talk about that. That tells me he's not willing to give up anything just yet. He and I had convos before in the past where he said that he would be able to forgive me for an affair, knowing that I wouldn't be able to do the same. What I know now is you never know how you're going to react until it happens to you. I'm sure he thought he would never walk out on us either.

Thanks rH, AJ, and J. You're encouragement really helps. I'm really grateful to have a place I can get things out and be honest.

rH that was the sweetest image of you and your H hugging. I'm wondering what has to be going through his head every time H sees me now, as it's pretty hard to not notice. S8&6 were pretty concerned when they saw that happening. They're really sensitive to me being upset, so I'm always careful to be really strong around them. It turned into a big family hug. They wanted to know what was wrong, and I said, "It's okay. Daddy fixed it." It has been such a long time since we had a family moment like that.

This would be my W as well...what was her spin on the "married too young"?...let's see...oh yeah, "I didn't know myself, who I really was, when we got married..." ... check...

I still get amazed at the "script" nature of this...so many people, all walks of life, both genders, all preferences, kids, no kids, all following similar behaviors, words, processes...

T^2

Hi Raine,

I found the mobile sync backup folders on the computer, but they are encrypted, so I don't know what's what.

Can I just delete all of them?

Sorry to bug you on your thread!

I went into iTunes and deleted the backup for my phone. Hope this gets rid of my notes. Sorry to post this on your thread

Couple of thoughts because I've heard the EXACT same messages from my ex:
"Didn't get to date as much as he/she wanted to" ?!?? Seriously? Did I put a gun to your friggin' head? Did I tell you to marry and live with and lie to somebody (me) for 20 years even though you "never loved" them? I think not

Step back and you'll see it's really just part of the lies. Sadly, the lies are really to themselves as they rewrite their memories trying to make themselves feel better. Remember, for a MLC'r, it really is all about feeling better about themselves. They tend to loathe themselves. Rightfully so, but still, it must s*ck. How does that play out? "I never dated other people. I want to date a bunch of other people. We got married too young. I like it when (a member of the opposite sex) says I'm attractive (in a guttural way). You should find somebody else (so I don't feel so bad about what I'm doing)." I've heard plenty more. Want to know how that ended? She may have slept around a few times and then married the OM a few months after the divorce was final. Didn't date enough other people? Hmm.. seems something is not quite right about that statement - ya think? I'm trying to illustrate the absurdity of this, while also showing it's common rhetoric for somebody who wants to follow the hedonistic route to self-fulfillment (that's a bit deep for this conversation so I won't elaborate right now).

Figure out the lies, and figure out you can't stop them from telling them even to themselves. Others hear it and laugh or groan in their heads because they know how trite and ridiculous and shallow it sounds. To the MLCr, it's life or death. To you, it's a twisting of the knife to your heart (for a while).

The MLCr has to figure it out for themselves. They may not. They might and never tell you. There are other options, but the point is letting them do it. On their own without your interference. You will get mad, angry, sad, etc as you go through this. There is no timeline. It's maddening. It's crazy. It's topsy-turvy. But it will continue on, until one of you end's it. Even then, the other may try to continue to bring the other into it, perpetuating the cycle.

Something to think about. What exactly did you think forgiveness is about, I wonder? And did you think forgiveness is only for those that ask for it? I can tell you mine specifically said she doesn't want to be forgiven (I didn't ask - she felt the pressure I'm guessing). Does that mean I shouldn't? Does that mean you should not, at some point forgive? Note, that's not the same as forgetting.

Let me suggest something about all of this. You will forgive your W at some point in your life, else you will have to carry that baggage for the rest of you life. I do NOT recommend the latter. I will tell you the former is incredibly against our nature as human beings and difficult because of that. But worth it.


Peace,
AJ

Tvs did that work? Are they gone for good, even after resync? "Bug me anytime"

Hey there-

I deleted the backup files for my phone from iTunes and also the mobile sync files.

Haven't had a chance to resync yet, but will do so soon to make sure they are gone!

Wanted to add something (non- computer related ) about the MLCer saying they didn't get to date much.

I met my H when I was 24 and he 26. He dated a lot of girls in high school and college. He had told me he knew from our second date that he wanted to marry me. That he had dated enough women earlier in his life so that he knew exactly what he did and didn't want in a partner.

Yet here I am, going loopty loo with my H.

I guess my point is that whether or not the MLCer dated a lot prior to M is actually irrelevant. If it's not one excuse for their unhappiness, it's another.

AJ was right about so many things in his post.

Letting them figure it out on their own.

Not believing their lies (no matter how much they believe them).

Working towards forgiveness, no matter what happens.

Oh yes, and that this whole thing can be maddening!

Some very good stuff