Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still confused...about everything.

I am very happy you found some help. I suggest you continue to ask for help. The more the merrier in fact. I think of it this way - if you ask 100 people for help, and 95 say no, you still have 5 more helping you than you otherwise would have

Have you ever heard people say that you should not make life altering choices while you're emotional about something? Can you see why they would say that? Additionally, can you see why taking the "need" to make life-altering changes while stressed, away from a stressed out person?

Can you see the stress in your life?

If I were a stress coach, I would suggest you find a way to de-stress/de-clutter your life ASAP. I would quit being your coach if you didn't take that advice.

Part of growing up is learning to gather things and people for ourselves. Part of growing older and wiser is learning to let things go that are not good for us or are not helping us.

You aren't letting go of much

To have a roller-coaster of emotions at this time and situation in your life is not abnormal. Perhaps it's new to you, but it's very normal to have these reactions. It makes you sick, physically as well. Or it can at any rate.

Even if you bury those feelings deep, they'll be there. Eating away at you. Dealing with them head-on, dropping the pride in favor of what's best for you and your kids, and taking it one step at a time is the surest way to get yourself back into good health and mentally stable.

You can safely acknowledge that you are stressed and cannot handle it all. We've all been there, even if not to the extent or even way past that extent, you're there now.

You can also safely let some things fall to the floor for somebody else to handle. They won't do it in your time or in your way, but it will get done if it needs to.

Peace,

AJ

Snodderly,
I am very happy I called her too. We caught up and shared a few laughs on the phone call. She also doesn't believe her son would not want to be involved, but is prepared to be there if he does bail in some way or another. I feel much better knowing I have her there for this situation...and other situations if I need her.

AJ-You are right about asking for more help...my coworker/friend has offered to help me where she can as well. So Plan C is in place as well.



Yes I can...I guess it is all catching up to me emotionally...I feel like I pack it away sometimes and then it bust out full force when it is too much. Think of the closet where you keep stuffing and stuffing and then one day the doors bust open and it falls out. LOL!



Emotional rollercoaster riding is new to me...I was always so composed and known to get things done, now not so much. And yes, while I believe those feelings are starting to surface, I know the love is still there that i will feel differently tomorrow....trying to take it day by day. Guess I was caught up in the moment chatting with my friend.

Letting go is not my strong suit as I am trying to hold onto whatever that hasn't been ripped from me...but I think I can start letting things slide for a little while instead of feeling like I need to immediately handle them...baby steps I know, but hopefully I will get there.

Good. You do see it. And you have a sense of humor about it.

I know. We spend our childhood learning to be independent. We spend our young adult lives being independent. We tell ourselves we need to be independent. But really, we need others in our lives at some point. You are very lucky to have people you can turn to in times of need. We don't all have that, but we only find that out when we need to That's a bit of patience right there, if I've ever seen it!

Life is rich and blessed, BRNR. Sometimes we hold on to things like we see in the John Wayne movies (or Jane in this case?) But honestly, there are times to stand your ground and times to sway in the breeze. Neither are comfortable, but they are all good for us. We see the good in the situation at a later date though.

I'm not saying your affliction is a good thing per se. But it has some good in it. Teaching you to adapt and ask for help might be that...

You're awesome, BRNR. You are really awesome. Don't let anyone tell you different. And don't let anyone tell you that you have to do everything. Stay focused on what's important and it'll all fall into place like it should. It really does. Only hang onto the high priority things in your life and let the rest go.

Peace,
AJ

Thank you for the kind words AJ...I needed that!

H agreed to meet me today so we can talk about my health problems. I think I am prepared as best as possible.

Wish me luck that this goes smoothly...

Luck!

-aj

I don't think you'll have a problem...ask God to help you w/the words and give you the strength you need today.

Best of luck!

Well, yesterday's conversation with H regarding my medical issues went well.

He said he would be there for me for whatever I needed, including taking me in for surgery, bringing me dinner, the kids, and emotional moral support if I want to talk. I am very grateful.

I'll tell you...Somedays I wonder if he is an MLC'er or just a WAS.

We even went to lunch after the conversation and he initiated conversations about OR and other things. He basically said there is a lost emotional connection between us and that is why we can't be together. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way, and that I didn't feel the same, but I just want him to be happy.

I also feel it is time for me to walk away from this man despite my love for him. I can't see how we will ever be able to gain an emotional connection with us being apart. The love is gone for him, and while there doesn't seem to be hate either, I just can't help someone feel something, even though that is what I want.

I am thinking of writing him a letter really expressing that I will let him go and that I hope he finds everything he wants in life...does anyone have any thoughts, opinions, or anything I should include/exclude from the letter.

I'm glad the meeting went well and that he'll be there to support you and the children. Now, turn your focus on to you and your health issues and let the rest of the stuff settle down. You've got to get yourself in a good frame of mind for the testing, etc. and keep positive. Stress can play a cruel game w/your body and you need to get as much rest as you can and build up your emotional and physical strength for what is to come in the near future.

If you write the letter, put it in a box for safekeeping. I, personally, would not give him the letter. You had a conversation yesterday about your relationship and you've advised him that you want him to be happy. That should suffice for now.

Keep the focus on YOU!

Snodderly, I am trying to keep the focus on me. I want to be happy too. I want to have romantic feelings for someone who wants to give them to me in return. Not a friend or family member type of relationship. That is what he alluded to yesterday, that he loves me like family, but not romantically, that is why I think it is time to walk away, because honestly, you can't rekinlde or build those feelings in someone when you are apart like we are...and I am starting to feel that way too about him...the love is just lost.

BRNR,

I think everyone here can understand the feeling of wanting to be happy - of making SOMETHING happen because of being tired of being stuck. I absolutely get that. Shoot, I wrestle with that every day. Every day.

But...one of the best pieces of advice that I ever received was that big decisions should not be made when a person is panicking or in crisis.

You have just come through a difficult conversation with your husband and are waiting for some medical tests. Not two days ago you were in an absolute panic over what to do.

Here are the questions I ask myself when I feel as you do: if I were to fully cut him out of my life, what IN my life would change? I would not be any less hurt, that is for sure. It will not magically go away. I can still do the work on me and have him in my life. We do not have a defined relationship but then do I figure that I am going to hit the dating scene right away? No, not really ready for that.

You can ask your self a few more questions: If your H is in MLC, you have just asked that he help you through your illness and he has agreed. By your own admission, you need him to step up to the plate. Would giving him that goodbye letter be a good idea right now? (I absolutely agree with Snodderly regarding that letter, BTW)

The hardest thing in the world is to just let the relationship play out while you take care of YOUR life. Trust me, I am still working at it.

Like the Beatles song - for now - "Let it Be."

When the drama is over, you can re-evaluate.