Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still confused...about everything.

Don't worry about this being a trigger for your h's mlc. It may not have been the "one". Your h was destined to have an mlc whether you were married to him or not. Stop worrying about his mlc and what may or may not have set things in motion. The focus now has to be on YOU and what YOU need to do in order to get through this.

You need to be up front and honest w/him and the sooner you advise him of what may be coming down the pike, the better. Whether he is living at home or on the street, he is still your husband and the father of your children. He needs to be aware of what he will need to do in the way of supporting you and the children during this time. Please do not put this off any longer than you have to.

There is no harm in reaching out to others for support as well, but your h should be the first one you approach. Don't put this off.

Your focus has to be on YOU now. Leave the mlc monster at the door for now.

Regardless of the issues in your marriage, he is still your children's father and you are still married. He needs to step up and take care of his kids.

My mom went through breast cancer. Watching my Dad's devotion to my mom during this difficult time was one of the reasons I refuse to give up on my marriage.

Don't be afraid to ask your husband to live up to his responsibilities. What's the worst he can say - No?

Also, are you a member of a church?

Okay...I think, no I know, everyone is right. I just talked to H and asked if he had any availability to meet for lunch this week as I needed to talk to him about something...he said he could probably do Wednesday, and will keep me posted. Fingers crossed that this goes okay.

Rock JC - my sentiments exactly, I want him to step up and take care of his kids in the least, if he wants to help me too, than great, but I have no expectations that will happen. Also, no I am not a member of a church...

Thank you everyone....I am severely stressed and emotional...hopefully the outcome of all the test is that I am okay...would be great to take that worry off my plate.

Stressed? Emotional? Really? How come?

Look, let's get something straight here and now. You did NOT cause him to do what he did. You did NOT. (repeat that several times until it feels normal to say that.)

He was going to do these things regardless of whom he married.

Now. Enough of him and his issues. I can tell you that many of us on this board got the speech at the same time we had deep and difficult family/medical issues going on. Many.

Know what makes the difference? Attitude. Not chip on your shoulder type of attitude. Survivor/thriver attitude.

Ever see an old person on the street and wonder how they got that way? They got that way because they were lucky and figured out how to survive and thrive regardless of the obstacles that got on their path. They learned. They overcame. They learned some more.

You are very lucky to live in this day and age of modern medicine. But to get the full effect, you have to change your attitude from fear to confidence. You have to be able to focus (yes focus) on becoming a team member with your medical team. You must focus and pay attention and direct. Just like you would if it were one of your kids.

Your family will survive. But they'll do much better if you take care of yourself and get healed. What happens between now and then is life and may require some sacrifices to get there. Learn that. Some things are not as important as you being healthy. Some things, if missed won't be missed nearly as much as you will be. I assure you.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was 16. She was all class and the best mom. But she spent the time focusing on getting better. She beat the odds for years longer than the docs thought she would; they didn't know why. I do. And I still remember the lessons she was there to teach me. The love she gave me. The sacrifices we all gave for each other. I would have been really upset (some of it later) if she had focused on me rather than her health. I wanted my mother, not my basketball career (right, like I would have had one), or my soccer career (again, right...) or... She gave me her best, and she focused on her health and getting better. She didn't let other things get in the way of that either.

Get yourself focused on what's important and let the rest go. You. Your health. Being there for your kids when they learn to drive. Graduate high school. Their first date. Your past is past and you can't change that. Your H made his choices and you can't change those. You didn't cause them either! But you can look at tomorrow and figure out what you're going to do for YOU and for tomorrow. Don't waste that time wondering why or what if. Spend the time focusing on your health - both mental and physical. It's time well spent. And your kids will benefit from it as will you even if you can't see those changes being beneficial yet.

You can make room in your life for both you and your kids. You will. But you must also realize that you will need help. And you will need to let go of the things that are less important. If your H steps up and takes care of those less important things, then great. If not, the kids will survive. It's important that you do as well. To do that, you need to take care of you and let the emotions roll off as they come.

Then you'll find that infinite bucket of strength is really there for you to use

And don't worry what your H says when you talk to him about it. It's on him to figure out what he's going to do and when. You have your marching orders...

Peace,
AJ

Thank you, AJ. I needed this too. I suspect we all do. You're the best!

Thank you all for your support, criticisms, and words of advice...

AJ-I am stressed and emotional because of my health not because of H directly. I went through this last year and the worries and medical probing took a toll on me...

I know I did not cause anything for this MLC to happen to H and it would have happened no matter who he was with, where he was in his life, and who he had around him...but, I still do have empathy for the man that I love, that he has to go through this. Empathy as a wife, not a friend, as I can't shut off my feelings for him, no matter how hard I have tried in the months going through this.

At the end of the day, do I want my husband back? Yes I do. In any form he is given to me.

This is clear to me, and this is how my mindset is.

The thing that I am trying to get past and causes me further concern is all the damage that is still being done while he is in the state that he is in....and not just damage to me, but damage to himself, our children, and others that love him dearly and as much as I do.

I do have a survivor attitude and am a strong person. I have come from a poverty stricken, drug and alcohol abusive, and emotionally abondoned childhood where I had to grow up quickly. Today, I am a very successful, with my career, my children, and my home and it's surroundings...I have overcome a lot of odds being the person I am today. Most people in my situation (including people like my brother) continue to grow up in this life style....so understand...I have buckled up before and endured the long haul...all my life, and ready to go through this part like I have everything else.

With all that said, I am human...and we all get our moments in life where we breakdown, fall apart, and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...for me, I just see so many tunnels, that I am not sure which one I want to go down yet, and as soon as I think I know and start to go down it, I find that it is not the one I want, and back track out of it. This is my confusion...what to focus on...myself, my children, building my life to where I want it...it all takes some getting used to when we are thrown so far off track and a lot of time...not overnight.

I am important, and want to get better, but I want a lot of things to get better. Surely, everyone on this board could understand that...and yes, we all need help. I am learning to get help as I have done everyhting myself (or with H). Again, not something that happens overnight...another process and 180 for me, that is slowly happening, mostly because I don't have many people I can rely on....yet.

Everyone is right when they say don't worry about H or how he reacts...but I do...I guess I am human in that way...I will try to heed these words though and do my best.

Okay, okay, so enough about my medical issues...I know I will get through this again, and who knows, it may not even be anything or as dramatic as it was last year...after all, I did go through it once, and can do it again...it should be easier this time, right?

Thank you to my DB family...you are the start of me building my new life, new attitude.

I will stumble along the way and ask for support often. DB'ing has gotten me through these 4-5 months with some semblance of sanity in the area that troubles me the most...my marriage. And it has gotten me through it in the best way for me, because trust me I have advice from friends to file for divorce, do what he has done to me in return, and just let him walk all over me. This advice I have received is not the person I am or ever want to be, now or in the future. I look for hope that I can have the life I had pre-bomb drop, and if that is with H, then great, but if not than so be it. We all have to have goals and dreams...that is what keeps us going at the end of the day...if it wasn't, than what do we have to live for?

I just got asked by my friend about my sitch and what was going on...and I said the funniest thing to him, but really felt it when I said it.

I told him that I am now annoyed and angry when H and I text, talk or are together...that I feel like I am done.

Just the other day I was considering asking H out on a date...

What is wrong with me and why do I really feel and believe this?

My friend thinks I have actually found someone and texted me after the phone call to ask me because of the way I described everything. I can assure you I haven't.

I mention church, because it is the primary source of my emotional support and helps GAL. Also, there are many people who would be willing to provide help, solely because they care about people.

All,

I broke down and called and talked to MIL about my health problems as the stress of my health is killing me and I cannot wait until my H decides he wants to clear some time for him and I to talk. She said she would fully support me through my health issues and do whatever is needed if my H will not step up to the plate....I love her. She is a godsend. So my Plan B is in place...Thanks all for giving me the courage to ask for help. I know I need it.

I'm very happy that you called your MIL. I couldn't imagine that she would turn you away. Now, you have your Plan B in place and can move forward. Now you can a little easier knowing you have someone you can rely on for support and assistance.

You will find that during your journey, yo will learn to ask for help from others. People do not mind helping, if they are asked. I have found that many will wait for you to ask them. When you do, they feel priviledged and honored to assist. So, do not be shy in asking. This is one of the lessons that we learn as we walk the yellow brick road.