Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Looking for a little advice and support

Thanks for responding guys. I've been out of touch for a few days. I was on a Jesuit silent retreat. 3 days of meditation and prayer. Wow, what am experience it was. AS, I talked to a priest the first night I was there about what was going on in my life and why I was seeking a better relationship with Christ. He gave me a copy of the 5 love languages. Lol
Told me to read it while I was there. I read it that night and couldn't put it down. It explains our "growing apart" so much like you said. We weren't communicating our languages at all. So I tanks definitely became empty.
Anyways a little update. Turns out she didnt call our son all weekend because she had an awful weekend at the horse show. Her horse has become lame and he literally was taken to the medics for hyperventilating Saturday night.
I learned of this Sunday night as she broke down in my arms balling before I began packing for my retreat at my apartment. It was funny, because he was standing outside my door like she wanted me to say something, but wouldn't open up. Te second time I asked, she walked into my room and broke down. Anyways, it just reminded me that there are still emotions there.
While I was on my retreat I wrote her a letter. This letter was all about telling her I understand her pain and how hurt she is. And I just asked for her forgiveness. No apologies or talking about me changing. Those would have been all broken promises she has heard before. I haven't giving it to her yet and I'm not sure when I am.
So today when I dropped out son off after I got back to town I told her I needed to have a conversation about our son. Which is true. I'm not trying to just get in front of her. I told her I would like to have that conversation after our son ones down so we are not interrupted. She then said yes that sounds good and she has a lot she wants to discuss as well. So that's where we are now.
I'll let y'all know how that goes tonight.

And btw, in his defense of calling it selfish I guess you had to have heard to whole conversation. His point was that me not giving her the time to change would be selfish. He said she won't change until she begins to see and believe your changes.

2/21/12- wife agrees to go to Retrovaille
The W and I talked yesterday afternoon.
She told me that she is happy with the way things are right now being friends. She said she wished she didn't feel that way and wished that she wanted the marriage to happy for all of us to be together. But she just didnt know what could possibly change that.
Well, Retrovaille registration was ending soon, so I brought that up as a possibility and she said works for her. She said she at least feels it will give her an idea whether to work in our marriage or not

My W seems to think she can only be happy riding horses.
My FIL said she even told him that the only time she's happy unless he is with our son is on a horse. I'm worried that she is depressed as her mom says all she does is sleep all day. Her own parents have asked her to see a counselor and she just won't do it. I've told her she can be happy with our family and riding if she puts time and energy into both.
It's just frustrating. I'm trying to have patience, but I want to help her through this even if that is without me in the end.

Ok. So even though W agreed to Retrouvaille she is still cold.
I hate that she just seems so distant. No physical touching what so ever which drives me crazy cause my LL is physical touch.
I know I better do a great job of giving her space over the next few weeks, but it is so damn hard.
One minute I feel like I want this to work more than anything, the next minute I start thinking I would be so much happier without her. I know I need to get back to 180's and GALing cause i can tell I'm slipping.

Need help!! I just messed up terribly on 180 and retrouvaille.
I was at w moms house and we were talking outside. She was in a terrible mood. And I kept asking what's wrong. Dumb mistake number 1. Then she said something to the effect of she is only going retrouvaille so that we could communicate better. I got mad, lost my temper and said something like this, "well you aren't te only one. I'm not sure retouvaille will help anything. Not sure you will ever change from being a selfish bi@$&"
So I call her when I got home to apologize. She says she is done! She said, just when I give her the slightest hope that I am changing I go and show her my true side. We went back and forth with me pleading for a little bit. She then had to go.
I couldn't let the conversation end at that so I drove back to her moms house. She of course said she didn't want to talk anymore. She said, "I am done, you have changed some things, but the underlying problems will never change"
One of my main problems was me blowing up and cutting her with my words and low blows. Verbal abuse basically. She said she is done and has no hope what so ever any more and that she no longer wants to go to retrouvaille.
I ended by saying, it's only been a couple of months and I know I still have a lot to work on. I asked her if that I completely drop everything and not discuss until retrouvaille(which is in 3 weeks) if she would still agree to go.
She said, "we'll see"
That's where it ended and now I better keep my mouth shut about everything if there is a chance

Btw, she said she is only going to Retouvaille so that would could communicate better for our son

I think I said before that I don't think she's ready. In my opinion both spouses need to have at least a passing interest in working on things for RetroV to be really effective. It's been 9 months since BD and I think it was still premature for my W. We only did about half of the followup sessions and things have resorted to a pre-RetroV state for us now.



It is very hard, but it does get easier. Just stick to it! Be consistent!



You need to be inbetween those extremes. Your goal is to get to the place where you know you will be fine with or without her, but still hold some hope in your heart that it will be with her.



Don't ever ask that, because she can't reply without it looking like there is something "wrong" with her. Instead, try to get her to talk about her feelings. Say something like "you seem upset, are you upset about something?" Don't ask WHAT she is upset about, just ask about her feelings. If she says yes, she's upset, say "You do seem upset, I'm sorry you feel that way, is there anything I can do to help?" If you keep this up she will eventually open up about why she's upset, but the goal is to seek to understand her emotions FIRST.



Wow, that was a backslide of truly epic proportions. The irony is that is EXACTLY what RetroV is all about- learning to communicate better. That is the key to saving your M. A proper response would have been "that's why I am going as well, I don't have any expectations that it will change our M, but hopefully we will learn effective communication skills that will help us to get along better regardless of what happens in the M."



And she's right. Sorry to say it, but you got bumped right back to the starting line.



Ugh. OK, you may be behind the starting line, LOL! Just pick yourself up, learn from this and DO NOT REPEAT IT!!!!



I would agree that you're not ready for RetroV. Get back to DB'ing basics and maybe you can revisit that much later (hopefully). You've got to concentrate on showing her CONSISTENT 180's for months. And yes, the verbal abuse had got to stop immediately. You can do great DB'ing for months and undo it all with a single verbal assault.

Thank you for your response AS!
You have so much great advice. I knew immediately that I slid back to the starting line and that is what is so frustrating. We were really beginning to turn a lot of corners it seemed like. She said she now feels numb after last night and that is just scary to me. I'd rather he be angry than numb because then at least I know she has emotions.
Like I said, she did say "we'll see" about retrov in 3 and a half weeks.
I'm now beginning to agree that this is way too soon and that I need to continue to work on me and my issues. The next one in our area isn't till October.
I guess my thoughts are, can it make things worse? We both do agree that better communication between us would definitely help with co-parenting. You've been, I haven't. What are your thoughts based on that?
Considering she refuses to go see an IC or talk to anyone else.
I'm just feeling like this is at least a chance to open an talking more

It won't make things worse I don't think, and it might make things better, but I don't think it'll turn the M around. The key to success in RetroV is sticking with the daily dialoging and going to all the followup sessions. The weekend event is really just the first step of the process. I think if people go too soon there's little chance they'll stick with the dialoging and followups.



It is much more focused on saving marriages than I expected. Going in I said something similar to your W- that even if our M was doomed it would he helpful in teaching us how to communicate better as coparents. But once in it I realized it is 100% focused on saving marriages.