Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time For Me (Part 2)

On my phone so this will be brief for now..

Agree with Bug. You might want to ask these friends to stop sharing this sort of intel with you. Then again, maybe not... I also believe we learn things as we need to so...

So what were the consequences of the boundary of not seeing other people? How did that boundary help you?

Was there more to it than that?

Please explain more and I will elaborate when im not on a phone with autocorrect that wants to put words in that make no freakin sense.

A) Auto correct is my favourite...not

B) I want to know consequences of the boundary too...if I was wife, I would have began to think "what gives you the right to interfere in my life..?" Wrongly or not.
This would have been just another piece in the "this is why we won't work" puzzle.

Interesting because I thought much the same^^^

It sounds more like an ultimatum but maybe that's what you wanted.

I struggled with the boundaries a lot myself because of my controlling behaviors and it seems like you are in the same boat. Checking on your W at work...controlling. And to your W, it's more of the same.

I'd flip it around...forget what she is doing and focus on you. Go flirt yourself....look good, smell good, feel good, laugh. Have you read Married Man's Sex Life Primer? I highly recommend.

Spartan, I completely relate to your statement: "The trust question is the one I've been asking myself a lot the last several days, and likely why I haven't been on here until today. Feels like every time I feel I'm forgiving her or feel like I can trust again something else comes up and I'm back to being mayor of Hurtsville"

Your W's behavior fits a WAS's behavior to a T. It makes sense to stop spending time together as a family, as hard as that will be. She needs to realize the consequences of her actions, plus it'll be good for your emotional health.

We made this "boundary" early on and to be quite honest we never attached anything to it (i.e. if this happens then this happens). I probably should have called it more of an agreement then used the word boundary. The way it went down was after the initial "WTF just happened to my life" emotions settled down we had a talk about us. We discussed this agreement in regards to her hoping to stay friends after D happens because it would be better for kids (some of you may remember at the time I didn't really believe friends would be possible but I knew we couldn't have R without being friends so it made sense for where she was currently at). I brought up that because the process itself could be straining on our relationship I didn't think it made sense for us to add other people to the mix that could only hurt the other person. She said she agreed with that and said she has no intention of finding or looking for anyone and she just wants to be alone and feel free to do what she wants since she's never been on her own (side note even when I offered to pay for things she didn't want to move out or even do trial separation to give her this space which confused me...). We BOTH agreed that we wouldn't pursue any opposite sex relationships until either D was final or we were separated. I really believed her and it was helping me because I wasn't wondering about another guy. I'm honestly not sure I could have done the friending work I was doing if that potential was alive and visible, at least not to level I felt I was. Right or wrong it helped me to start becoming her friend again and I felt like I was starting to gain trust in her.

Yes it hurt that she is doing whatever with this other guy and I do feel lied to again but the thing that really generated my comment about things being different was that the agreement we made means nothing to her anymore. Same thing happened when we discussed custody. Around the same time as above agreement we both agreed on 50/50. When paperwork was started by my L (at her request) her (or her L) responded with it being unacceptable and said they would offer me every other weekend only... When we discussed it originally she said it made sense to get this part done since it would be the biggest topic and we should get it out of way now while we're getting along in case things turned sour. When I talked with her about her L's response she denied knowing anything about it. I asked her to follow up with her L and she said no she'll wait for court. Like you guys said, the other guy may be absolutely nothing but the breaking of agreements/ vows/ whatever you want to call them has been a reoccurring issue with her for way longer then I like to admit. I wish I would have been stronger earlier in my life rather than just pushing everything under rug because I was afraid of being alone or being divorced/ single parent. At least I can admit that now...


I actually told him this morning that I didn't want, or need, to hear anything else. I told him nothing I can do about any of it and it just adds stress to my world and that I'm just trying to work on myself now. I know he was trying to help and we were cool about it but he wanted me to know she picked up shifts that coincide with other guys schedule. The lie I mentioned that he didn't know about was she told me she was forced into shifts. At this point, after a lot of help, none of the 'other guy stuff' really makes much difference.

Sorry for book, I really need to work on editing. I just type what I think...

That was what I was wondering.



Script...



I don't think there is right or wrong here.

And it does sound like it helped you in the short term. I think, unfortunately, it also gave you some unrealistic expectations. And I think that is a huge part of why the break in trust feels so intense right now.



It's ok to type what you think. For a lot of reasons.

One that I will address is your statement about controlling your feelings. DB isn't about NOT feeling or controlling your feelings. Feelings, are never wrong. They are what they are.

What we control, is our reaction to those feelings. Whether we lash out in rage, hide in fear, or whatever. We have to feel the feelings, process them, and then ACT out of a clear and conscious headspace instead of REACTING.

Another thing that you can work on, is communication skills. You know how I feel about buts if you read those threads...

That was something that was drilled into my head by another poster here. You use the word but a whole bunch in your writing. I counted five in the post where you talked about it a bit. Five. That is a lot for a few paragraphs. You may have simply been looking for a filler word. IDK. We all can improve our communication skills so that our words are better understood by others without them having to "fill in the gaps". Word choice is an excellent place to start.

That requires a filter between your brain and your mouth. Or your fingers. It requires you to edit yourself until it becomes something natural.

Just my thoughts...

Thanks Cat and I agree that something I need to work on is acting out of a clear and conscious headspace. I let things fester in the past and never acted so now I feel like I need to address everything immediately. This doesn't always work for obvious reasons; I'm still working to make these changes natural and until then the enemy to that are my emotions. What I need to do is take a step back when something gets me going and think about it and my response before addressing it. I know what to do, the doing it in the heat of the moment is where I still occasionally slip up. I hear what you're saying!

Feelings...I've always shown my feelings more then the average guy I know. Later years in my M I did start repressing them since many weren't good. I'll tell you what though, since BD and working through this process on me, I've become WAY more emotional. Heck, I have feelings about my feelings now . Probably something to do with actually being in touch with myself (keep it clean) and thinking about things in a deeper way.

Funny, I never really thought about it that way. I think I've been kind of ashamed for having feelings in past. I'm a guy, my family is all blue collar, no dad around so felt like I needed to be tougher, etc... I secretly wondered what was wrong with me. Normal guys don't have feelings right... I now know how incorrect that was. Still interesting that I never really processed it before that feelings aren't wrong. My W is also pretty emotionless from her upbringing so with all that I kind of did think my having feelings was wrong.

But saying the word but makes me feel better because then I have a reason for everything I do that's wrong . I hope you see the sarcasm there. I see your point and I do use that word WAY too much. It's part of the manning up and owning my crap thing I'm working on.

Or...maybe it's because I like my butt and I just want to say the word a lot so people think about it...

Good that you know what to do and hear what I'm saying because I won't be so nice next time




NO NO NO!!!

I never said having feelings is wrong...I don't care who you are, the only people who don't have feelings are sociopaths (actually part of the diagnosis) and those people are few and far between thank God...

I said your feelings (or anyone's) regarding any given situation are never wrong. It may not be what other people feel about the same thing, or how people think you SHOULD feel, but they are still your feelings. And only you can determine how to deal with them.

We aren't robots around here, although I know that sometimes the vets can be perceived that way...

We feel, we remember, and we have learned how to better deal with our emotions (most of the time). And we are all still human.




Keep it up smartbutt...you are close to joining the "I know" club too...

Forgot to post what I originally came here to post...

So last night I told kids I got us tickets for Monster Truck Show (yeehaw!!!) and they were more excited than I thought they would be. D7 wanted to see tickets and saw only 3 and then things turned... She ran to basement to 'hide' which was last thing I expected. She's such a smart girl and she knew right away what it meant. I went down there and she looked at me and her lip started quivering and she started asking where mom's ticket was. I told her I wanted to go just the 3 of us. She got mad and said she wanted mom to go as a family and wondered why she can't come with us. I put her on my lap and explained to her that we would be doing more things with just the 3 of us. She started to push me away and asked why we still wanted a D because we have so much fun together. Talk about heart break city! I stayed strong and explained that I agreed we were having fun and that doesn't have to stop. I told her that we both love her very much but things will start being different. I told her I understood how she felt and it's ok to be mad and or sad but I made sure she knew she could talk with me about anything. She relaxed and gave me a hug. I told her we could think about the show for the next couple days and not go if she didn't want to. She said we can go and it will be fun. She then asked if we can make a sign for girl driver that shoots glitter from truck (I have no idea what she's talking about so need to google this). She then asked a few more questions about the future and I answered them without discussing W at all. At end when she said she didn't want us to get a D I did say that it wasn't what I wanted either but it's where we are right now and that I loved her and her brother. She said "I know" and gave me a HUGE, long hug. She was calmed down then and we worked on her science fair project for next hour laughing a bunch. She even invited her brother down to help glue things

I've been expecting W start to really show anger over new direction and I'm sure she will but I didn't really think about it hitting kids this quickly. My D7 is so smart and observant, probably more then I am . I'm just so glad that we have the relationship we have where she feels safe to talk, ask her questions, and show emotion to me. I was also reminded by my friend that this wasn't my choice and my motives for doing this to protect me and kids are pure.

Lesson here though is if we think false hope effects us we need to remember the kids. They don't have these boards, the life experiences, or (hopefully) don't see the negatives in our M's, all they see are the fun family times and they can easily start to believe everything is ok again... I'm more glad then ever for the advice I received because I need to start preparing not only myself but my kids for what is a very real potential to happen.