Thanks guys, I'm really feeling good about myself. As long as I keep feeling that, the future will be just fine.
Originally Posted By: PowerOfNow
Damn dog you get it.
It's funny how I kept reading, posting, and thinking I was getting it but I wasn't really. Don't get me wrong, I was showing signs of improvement but they weren't for the right reasons. Up until last few weeks I was doing things with goal of saving M. Now I'm really looking at myself and doing things because I want to, for me. Don't get me wrong, I still want to R my M but it's no longer driving my actions.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Good stuff Spartan So true on the changes, I think at first we're all just "wearing the shirt" thinking "if I do X, Y and Z changes then she'll come back to me". At some point we realize they're not the quick fix we hoped for, so we have to choose a path, either give up on them and revert to old ways or do the hard work it takes to embrace the changes for ourselves instead of for our spouses. If we choose the latter, the changes take real root and become part of us, and they are no longer 180's.
Sounds really good Spartan. I'm glad you are digging into your deep issues and working on yourself. I remember going thru that same calmness. That said, even when I started to get to that point, I'd still get upset about the pending D...it's only in the last few weeks that I've gotten ok with whatever may come. I only mention this so that maybe you can pinpoint those areas where you're still not completely calm and tackle them before they get in your way.
When's that cruise? You guys have got to be in the final countdown aren't you?
Up until last few weeks I was doing things with goal of saving M. Now I'm really looking at myself and doing things because I want to, for me. Don't get me wrong, I still want to R my M but it's no longer driving my actions.
That's awesome! I've been saying for a while now, DB is for you...saving the M is just a potential side effect.
When's that cruise? You guys have got to be in the final countdown aren't you?
Leave on Saturday. Kids are bouncing off the walls this week. Truth be told I'm also really excited for it. Little different then I was couple weeks ago huh... One of the themed events is a pirate party so after work going to store and buying pirate gear for whole family as a little surprise, and I always wanted to wear an eye patch
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Leave on Saturday. Kids are bouncing off the walls this week. Truth be told I'm also really excited for it. Little different then I was couple weeks ago huh... One of the themed events is a pirate party so after work going to store and buying pirate gear for whole family as a little surprise, and I always wanted to wear an eye patch
That's awesome!! You guys are going to have a blast. Just remember to enjoy the moment!
Just dropping by with a few thoughts...and if you have read anything I've written, you can start shaking now LOL...
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Fear This was a tough one to think about but got the ball rolling. I realized that fear actually was controlling many of my decisions and turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I never thought about what it would mean if the fear I had ever came true, I just let the fear itself consume me and it changed the way I acted and saw things. It also turned me into a very negative person because you can’t live in fear and stay positive. This in turn caused many negative things to happen (laws of attraction). Funny that almost every single thing I was trying not to let happen in my life actually happened… I realize that many of the fears I had have come true and guess what, I not only made it through but I’m learning from them and getting stronger. I won’t let fear control me any longer.
I love your reference to the Law of Attraction. I am a huge believer in it. As well as the idea of the Butterfly Effect.
I am glad you don't want to allow fear control you anymore. I am curious though...
What does that look like to you?
It isn't as simple as saying it because that makes it sound like you are now going to try again to control your fears...
The fears, will always be there about one thing or another. It is normal and natural to have fear.
What you do, how you react to those fears is what counts.
So what is your plan when they do decide to rear their ugly head?
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Love Discussed what I thought love and R’s should look like. Here’s another I had never really thought about and truth be told I had no idea what love even was. I can see some of you (especially the women) just shake your head to think a 38 year old man had never thought about what love actually meant but it’s the truth.
I can promise you that you are not the only one who hasn't thought about this.
Most people don't have any idea what love means or looks like to them. They don't understand love languages or how to express love so that it is recognized as love by another person.
They think by simply saying the words and having a physical relationship, that is enough. While it may be enough on a logical level, on an emotional level, it often doesn't translate.
Honestly, it is something that I have come to believe is pretty fluid. It changes over time as we change. What love is, how we define it, doesn't necessarily change, but how we show it, feel it, receive it, and express to our partners that we need more, or less, or different, changes. Sometimes it is just a matter of learning how to define and describe it.
How do you define it now?
How are you showing it? Or how will you show it?
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Changes being real I was hung up on trying to show my W that I was changed rather than just being changed because it’s what I want to do.
This is HUGE.
Personally, I hate the idea of 180's because it leads to the idea that we should change only the things our S's complained about and that gives us the sense it will make everything better. And that if we "act as if" or "wear the shirt" long enough, then we will eventually become what our S's want.
The problem with that is some of the changes we don't really want to make so no matter how long we act "as if", they won't stick.
The changes have to be for YOU. They have to be things that you really want to change. Sometimes they fall in line with our S's complaints. Sometimes they don't.
If the changes are real and they are for you, they will show through.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Like I said before, I’m finally happy with whom I am but I see just how much more work there is left to do.
Yes, you are only at the beginning. The beginning of a journey that will, hopefully, last a lifetime.
Have fun on the cruise. Keep yourself in check. Wear your friend on your shoulder and hear the words you will probably need to hear while you are away. And let us know how it goes.
I do want to touch on one other thing that you have mentioned many times in other posts...
You have talked about being your W's friend. That is what you feel like right now. Do you realize that friendship, should be the basis of any good and solid relationship? That it isn't a bad thing for you to become friends with her again?
It doesn't mean that reconciliation is a guaranteed outcome, but it is a first step in any relationship and in a couple's relationship, it is an extremly important part to maintain.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
It's funny how I kept reading, posting, and thinking I was getting it but I wasn't really. Don't get me wrong, I was showing signs of improvement but they weren't for the right reasons. Up until last few weeks I was doing things with goal of saving M. Now I'm really looking at myself and doing things because I want to, for me. Don't get me wrong, I still want to R my M but it's no longer driving my actions.
Seems like you and I are very much on the same page as this is the exact attitude I have had since Christmas. Once I changed the focus changes at home in general began occurring much quicker. I can't say for sure if anything has truly changed the M sitch, but, everybody in the house is getting along better and actually being more positive about the future.
Cat - Thanks for taking a look at my thread and posting. Yes I have read many of the old threads you've posted in and I won't lie, I puckered up just a little when I saw your name in my thread but I'm very happy to see it .
Originally Posted By: cat04
So what is your plan when they do decide to rear their ugly head?
One thing I realize is I can't control fear, as you said all I can control is how I react to that thought. The book 'The Happiness Trap' discusses the concept of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) which discusses many concepts for either diffusing negative thoughts (which fear is) or accepting that they are there and letting them pass. Instead of dwelling on the fear and letting it affect my attitude or decision making process I expect to acknowledge it's there but not let that alone direct me. I'll look at the potential outcome of my choice and if it's healthy I will proceed, whether I'm afraid of something or not. For example: in past I've let things bother me that I don't bring up with someone because the fear of confronting them stopped me. Guess what, I then became resentful to them and something little festers into something ugly. If I would have looked at outcomes I would have realized that one of 3 things could happen, (1) I say my peace and they understand and life goes on, (2) I say my peace, they don't understand and may get upset for a little bit and life goes on, or (3) I don't say anything, the issue festers and a blow up occurs later. Fear drove me to (3) way too many times but I wouldn't have chosen that if I would have thought it through first. Obviously this is all good theoretically, I just have to start living it and I'm taking steps since realizing it the last couple weeks.
Originally Posted By: cat04
How do you define it (love) now?
How are you showing it? Or how will you show it?
This means a lot of things to me now which I wish I would have thought about earlier in life. Problem is I honestly wasn't ready earlier in my life to "get it". Love (with regards to W): It means to listen, understand, and emphasize with her feelings. It means not trying to control her but to let her live her life. It means to support her and build her up rather than break her down. It means being honest, faithful, and open with her. It means to forgive the past and hold no grudges and keep no scorecards. It means to trust her. It means putting her needs ahead of my own while keeping healthy boundaries for myself. It means to not give up on her
Originally Posted By: cat04
The changes have to be for YOU. They have to be things that you really want to change. Sometimes they fall in line with our S's complaints. Sometimes they don't.
In my opinion the last sentence doesn't get discussed enough. Many of the changes our spouses complain about are likely flaws with us and are things that need to be changed to make us better but some aren't. Almost every thread (and I'm guilty of it too) talks only about what we need to change to make our spouses happy. Well guess what, some things she wants me to change won't, or haven't, made me happy and I'm done with that. Not to play the victim card here, because I decided to do them, but a lot of my changes during my life have been done for her or others approval and were never real to me. Now I'm learning who I am and I'm doing the healthy things that I want to do (i.e. acting like a kid with my S4 having a sword fight while talking like pirates in the store last night ). This isn't out of spite or going against what anyone wants just to rebel, it's doing things that make me happy and be the man I want to be. Oh yeah little side note, W showed up at store and saw us fighting with wigs and pirate hats on and started laughing like crazy. This is definitely more like the person I used to be so maybe being the person I want to be will end up being who she wants. Hopefully yes but if not I'm ok with it as long as I'm true to myself.
Originally Posted By: cat04
Do you realize that friendship, should be the basis of any good and solid relationship? That it isn't a bad thing for you to become friends with her again?
It doesn't mean that reconciliation is a guaranteed outcome, but it is a first step in any relationship and in a couple's relationship, it is an extremely important part to maintain.
This is an emphatic YES and I'm hoping we can become best friends again. Over the years our friendship deteriorated, along with our M, and we became more co-parents living together. When I bring up being friends I'm not implying that this is a negative in any way. While I'm REALLY hoping to move to the 'friends with benefits' phase soon I'm not at all upset to be friends with her again. She has recently said that we have always been great friends but it's the other BS that gets in the way of the M so D is the answer. My previous response was to say that being friends should be the basis for a M and 'the other BS' can be worked on. Now I don't argue it and I'm just letting my actions do the talking (or listening so to speak).
Originally Posted By: bblake1968
I can't say for sure if anything has truly changed the M sitch, but, everybody in the house is getting along better and actually being more positive about the future.
Sounds like you're on the right track. I'll give your sitch a read when I get back from my cruise.
See you guys in a week, queue music from The Lonely Island band..."I'm on a boat"
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
So true on the changes, I think at first we're all just "wearing the shirt" thinking "if I do X, Y and Z changes then she'll come back to me". At some point we realize they're not the quick fix we hoped for, so we have to choose a path, either give up on them and revert to old ways or do the hard work it takes to embrace the changes for ourselves instead of for our spouses. If we choose the latter, the changes take real root and become part of us, and they are no longer 180's.
I'm not at all upset to be friends with her again. She has recently said that we have always been great friends but it's the other BS that gets in the way of the M so D is the answer. My previous response was to say that being friends should be the basis for a M and 'the other BS' can be worked on. Now I don't argue it and I'm just letting my actions do the talking (or listening so to speak).