Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Still confused...about everything.

My thoughts and prayers for you as well.

I think something like that might be better as a conversation, vs. email. It doesn't have to be a long emotional conversation - just the facts and what you need from him. Just be honest, right?

AJ

I agree w/AJ, you need to have a conversation w/him. Can you call him and ask to meet w/him? Even though the children are both yours and his, please have a Plan B in place just in case he is unable to take care of them.

Hey AJ,

There you are...I was hoping you found my new thread, your advice as well as Snodderly's and Portia's has been great.

Yeah, you are probably right, I just don't want to get emotional in front of him and I know that is how I will get. Guess it is time to dig into that infinite bucket of courage...I will wait until I have more of the facts/dates before I have the conversation, so I can try and minimize how much we have to talk about it....

I am really scared for my health and to have this conversation with H (who is no longer my emotional support-Ughh), but honest is what it is, and I have always tried to live honestly.

Snodderly,

I think I should be able to call him and get him to meet during a lunch hour...I will need to wait until all my results come back though. Don't want to jump the gun just yet. And as far as the kids are concerned, I don't have a plan B. My kids took it hard when i went through it last year, and need the emotional support of their father...

My one and only boundry through all this is the boys...and as far as they are considered, he needs to be there. Either that or I don't go in for my procedures....guess that is my plan B.

Do you have family near by? I just want to make sure you have all of your bases covered when you begin testing and surgery. I know that you are EXPECTING him to be there 100%, but I hope that I am wrong, but w/him being in mlc, he may not always be reliable. This is something that you can't always know the outcome of w/mlcers. Even if your h is reliable and will be supportive through this next round of testing/surgery, your children will still need additional support when their father is at the hospital w/you.

I know you do not want to listen to what I'm trying to tell you, but you do need to have a Plan B and the one you suggesting for yourself is not an option. Your boys need their mother and to put off surgery just because your h may not be supportive is not rational. Start thinking of a family member or friend that you can trust w/the information, if it should come down to someone being there for the boys while he's at the hospital or at work. Everyone should have a Plan B when it comes to medical tests and surgeries. No one should have just one plan in place as anything can happen.

I do not have family nearby...and lost my connections with his family when all this started. I do hear and understand everything you are saying, trust me it is hard time for me and I am stressed out that what already is a hard situation has now become harder . I wish I had family...that is why I am on this board as much as I am as you all have extended your opinions and support as a family memeber would do.

I have freinds that can take me to and pick me up during the procedures, but no one to care for the kids during my "disabled" time. If he can't, then unfortunely, I have no other options. When it has come to our kids, since he released OW, he has been there 110%...I am hoping he will do the same...at this time I am praying for the best.

But Snodderly, know that I hear you 1000%. I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place....I wish I wans't...

BRNR,

OK, hon, we're going to take a deep breath here.

I know where you are coming from - shortly after BD, I received news that my parent was terminally ill and at the same time, I had some worrying medical "inconclusive" results. I never shared that information with anyone because I just felt less important at that time. Waiting for those results was almost as bad as the patience needed for DBing.

I will tell you what I learned - and it was an amazing lesson. There is never NO ONE and there is never a Plan B that allows you to sacrifice your own health. I was able to take this in my own stride because there were no kids involved. You do not have that option. I absolutely get how emotional this is for you. Try, for a moment to put the emotions away.

What do you need to do? And please, these are only my suggestions given with much compassion in the hope that they will help.

Perhaps your conversation with your H should happen before you get the results. Maybe feel out where he is at and give him a chance to "get his toe wet" rather than have the sky fall on him. MLCers do not react to "bombs" well. If your tests come back good (I am sooo routing for you) - great! Then you can tell him that. Prepare him for the day you will know.

You did not say (or I do not remember) how old or how many kids you have. If they are old enough (teenagers?) then perhaps leaning on their friends parents for rides to school, etc. temporarily may be an option. Time with their friends will distract them from worrying about you and let you concentrate on you. I also recall you saying on your previous thread that H's family seemed to be on your side. Don't worry about him - pick someone to be the back up. In fact, why not discuss it with him as a way of taking off the pressure, so you both have the same Plan B? In fact, if you choose someone to help and approach that person together, it may smooth out the edges a bit. He has been contacting you and acting like a friend - continue in that vein.

His family know you are going through a tough time. And this is NOT about picking sides or your R. This is about helping family who needs it. I know how hard it is to ask for help, but sometimes it is the strongest thing that you can do. I was so surprised when strangers were the ones I could rely on - and also surprised at how many people had already been through what I had and were willing to help.

Reach out, BRNR. And do not worry about getting too emotional, there is no one on earth that would fault you for that.

Keep us posted. We are here to cheer you on! Wishing and praying for good outcomes!

BRNR, how old are you kids? Are they really young?

I get what you're saying as does Snodderly I'm sure. I think the suggestion is sound - continue to look for that plan B. The one you have is not as tenable as you might want. If no other options present themselves right now, don't stop looking. And perhaps you could let your friends and family know what's going? - they may step up even if it seems a long shot. No sense discounting options before their time, right? That's what being between a rock and a hard place is all about.

I think you'll know more definitively where you stand once you have the conversation with your H. But if he's not able to come through, checking with others would be a great idea. Friends have a way of doing more than you think they will when you need it

When do you start going in for tests/treatments?

AJ

My S's are 9 and 13. My 9 year old (my baby love) is ADHD, which makes him a handful no matter the drug...

I appreciate everyone's concern, and I am not thinking with a rational brain at all...i guess the first time I went through this it was H and I...ride or die...through out the situation.
Now that I am alone, I am still trying to navigate it, just by removing him out of the picture, but there is more to it than that...I do realize this now.

I like Portia's idea of talking with H first and then maybe consulting with his mom, (my MIL). She would probably help out if needed, but she is going through a lot of her own medical issues (kidneys) that I just don't know it would be feasible for her for more than a few hours...she also lives 45 minutes away, so, that may be an issue.

The kids are at two differnet schools, different activities, differnet friends...makes it complicated to get any one person on the same page to do what they need, so it would mean me explaining my situation to a lot of people in order to make it happen. Not really interested in doing that, but I will see what I can trim from thier schedules adn keep the option open.

As I said, my freinds are more than willing to help me with my appt's and such. My dilemma is the care of my children. So even if H wouldn't want to support me through the biopsies/surgeries, etc, (which I wouldn't see him wanting to while we are separated/MLC-I am not kidding myself here) What I really am asking from him is to take care of his children more for a few days...

But none-the-less, I will seek out all my options and talk to H as soon as I can...

Thanks everyone...I am emotional...my body is trying to take me out, and with all the pressures of going through the separation/MLC, I just can't deal with any more...especially all by myself.

Just noticed AJ I didn't answer your question...my health problem is breast cancer...I have to go for ultra sounds, mri's, mammograms and biopsies starting next week.

I am also seriously thinking that maybe I shouldn't tell H at all and reach out for support from others...I am scared to tell him...especially if this was a trigger that led him towards his MLC. I don't know....as the title of my thread says...still confused.