Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is this cake eating 11

LIS,

I don't know what to say. How to let you know how much your help means to me - and how it gets me through.

Your post made me cry. I read it to my mum over the phone and she cried too.

You are leading me out of a dark place.

For your understanding, advice and support, thank you.

I'm glad the prom went well and you were able to enjoy the moment.

It reminds me of Mother's Day this past year when my sons and I went out for dinner. As I sat I notices all the happy families around and really noticed the absence of H. In my IC appt the next day I related all this to her.

I was whining about how everyone else seemed to be intact families and here we were, the 3 of us without the H/Dad/ Waaaa, waaaa, waaaa. I was in real victim mode.

She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm concerned about where your head is. Your sons were with you, wanted to be with you on Mother's Day an all you could think about was what was missing."

She brought me up short and she was right.

I understand your feelings of humiliation but when you can separate you from your H's actions, you will be able to move beyond this. The people who matter and really know you will know the truth, those who don't won't matter.

Thanks labug, just thinking about what you had to say - I'll respond when I've thought through it.

In the meantime, I've been back in questioning mode... i.e. still spinning over things stbx does.

Last week he filed. Court appearances in 4 weeks. Docs included an affidavit that stated that he paid regular amounts of child support.

Then, same week, he stops paying. The direct debit from his bank account just failed to show up.

He's only been paying since mid Nov of last year, but I had come to rely on the small supplement to my salary.
Now i can't pay the electricity bill that's due Tuesday.

WHY would he stop paying NOW?

Two thoughts:

1. He has run out of money and is being chased by debt collectors who follow up with bigger consequences than I do if he misses a payment.

2. He has run out of ways to press my buttons. And as i no longer contact him, he is trying to get my attention.

Oh, and 3. There really is something physically/mentally wrong with him

It just seems so strange that he'd make out an affidavit, proceed to court and THEN stop paying.

How bad does he want to look before a judge?

Hi NLW,
Jan 2012 I was waking up next to D1 (6mos old at the time) and S4 (3.5 yr at the time). I cried as I saw them interact that morning because H had (still hasn't) woken up next to them. (Since he left before D1 was born).

I called him to tell him this, crying. This shook him up. It didn't bring him back but it obviously stirred up feelings he was trying to ignore.

Anyway, I was fortunate that a month later I started writing my gratitude list. Every day I would write down something, just one thing, I was grateful for that day. My first was waking up with my kids.

And everyday, for about a month or two, I read that list I created. It hit me. I am so d@mn lucky! My kids know that I have never and will EVER leave them. They can't say the same for H. How sad! but not sad for me!! I can say that I have not missed one single milestone in their life. I am so lucky!

I never spoke bad about their dad to them or in front of them. H said, You pin them against me. WTF?? He did that himself! He says, children will always run to defend their mother. UHhhh maybe cuz I didn't ditch them??!!! ok... I'm digressing...

All in all, make your gratitude list. You have A LOT to be thankful for AND... we all say it but although it's hard to sink in...the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Don't assume H & OM are having this wonderful relationship.

I'll leave it at that.

Gratitude lists are the BEST! I make a new one each week and go back and read the old ones. I one I made right after DB was a life saver! But it's really neat to see them evolve.

It is really hard to focus on the positives and not on what is missing in your life during this. But, it's so important to focus on the positives. My best friend and I were getting pedicures on friday night. Her D almost died this time last year. We were talking and crying about that time, and we toasted that 2012 can suck it and 2013 we focus on all the positives in our lives, which are many!

I am so sorry about the money stuff.

Everyone knowing was the best thing that happened to me. I didn't tell a lot of people initially because of the db theory keeping the road home paved and smooth. But for me that was a burden and keep me down. Having the world know opened up my own life and I realized that most of the shame I had was self inflicted. In my neighborhood no one really cares too much about my marital status they all have their own busy lives.

I can only agree with everyone on how great gratitude lists are... The first thing I do when I wake up is make a mental list, starting with being grateful for being alive again today. I do it and it really helps me start my day with a different outlook.

Then I do another one when I go to bed at night. That one is mostly one recounting my blessings for that day. It helps me realize that there are MANY, MANY others less fortunate than me.

As for the unfairness of it all. Drop it. As 25 says, life will be the one to teach people, not us. Yes, life is not always fair - and then what? Should we curl up in a ball and do nothing all day because our life seems unfair? NO! We get up and fight back! We prove to ourselves and to "life" that no matter what, we can define our own destiny and make it fair by our own standards.

As for the money... I think the most important lesson I have learned from all my hardships in the last two years is to value what is truly important. Yes, my financial stability has been destroyed. My savings, my retirement fund, my two homes - all gone. I literally don't have cash for essential expenses beyond two months from now. Yet I cannot dwell on it. I have to figure out a solution. I am smart enough and my kids deserve it. So do you and your kids. At the end of the day, money is nothing, it means nothing if you don't have the most important things in your life - your health, your children and your peace of mind knowing that you are doing your best to be the best person you can be.

Dont dispair... It can get better, but you need to nudge yourself a bit now to get there. Start with the gratitude lists. You will see benefits way beyond just being grateful. You won't regret it!

((((((NLW))))))))

Like^^^

I thought I was going to be so broke when H left but once again I was worrying for nothing and each time I think Oh-oh, now I'm in deep sh!t, it works out. I am resourceful and I can work a little more and tighten my belt a little more.

Life goes on and we either go with it or we're stuck.

Be open to the adventures that might await you.

Life goes on and we either go with it or we're stuck.

So true, I try and remember this when I feel stuck. My children's lives are just starting...and if I am stuck theirs will be too.

I hope you are doing better today NLW (((((( ))))))

Monster spew from stbx tonight.

He called at 5pm on home phone to speak to kids (after being MIA for the past 4 days).

I answered and was upbeat. I said "Hi, How are you?" and handed him over to S14.

As usual, stbx wanted to see kids NOW.

S14 explained that he was doing homework and then we were going out to dog training.

As soon as we got home, phone started ringing again.
Stbx said he wanted to take the children to see his parents tomorrow night after school.
I said that S14 had rowing until 7pm, and D17 had basketball until 6pm. (His parents live a good 45 mins away). I asked him if his parents were ok and he said i no longer had the right to ask him anything about his family.

Then he said what about the next night after school? When I said that S14 had debating and D17 had planned to go to a movie, he blew up. He started practically screaming at me that I was stopping him seeing the children. Told me he was going to lawyer tomorrow to seek custody of the kids. I tried to calm him down, but he said that i had turned the children against OW. He insisted i put him back to S14.
Told S14 he was coming around to pick him up to take him out to talk. It was 9.45pm. S14 said it was late and he was getting ready for bed. Stbx started yelling at S14 who then hung up on him.

I asked D17 to ring her father afterwards so they might negotiate a mutually suitable time to see each other on the weekend (given that she works both days in order to make money to support herself). She called and also asked him to pay for a training course that she and her friends are enrolling in for the school holidays - kids who intend to take the medical entry exam in their final year of college need to attend these 'cramming' workshops to be trained in how to do well in the entrance test. It costs $600.
Stbx screamed at her for calling him so late at night (9.50pm). She pointed out that he usually calls her much later and it all went downhill from there. He refused to pay and told her to put me on the line.

He told me that he "could not keep paying for everything".

I'm sure he must be insane now.
He has not paid for his half of the kids school fees, books or uniforms, has not contributed to their medical expenses and has stopped the small maintenance payments that he was making (for a period of 12 weeks out of the 18 months of our separation).

The only positive out of all of this madness is that it makes it so much easier to be done.

He is deeply delusional. He sounds hysterical.

Forgot to add that i got a call today from a debt collecting company saying that stbx had defaulted on a payment agreement that he had negotiated with them to pay for a car repair bill that dates back to July of last year. He had not paid even the first instalment of the agreed amount.
They said that unless he paid the full amount ($5,000) by tomorrow, they would take court action.

I presume I am the only punching bag he has left.

It remains to be seen whether I get a new set of papers after tomorrow. The ones I was served last week say that he is not seeking custody.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the nuttiness of all this. To claim he is paying 'for everything' when he is paying for nothing at all....

WTF is going on?