Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 9

Hi Mr. B. We are talking just not about R stuff or the past. We've gone out to eat a few times. We went out for Vday. I was able to share some stories from my EE experience. One story in particular almost made her cry. I'm in the process of flipping a house and got her permission first and have included her on this. (in the past I would have just flipped it) So it is tricky. We haven't sat down per say and hashed anything out. My wife is definitely 200% actions are stronger then words type of person.

I do have a very strong support system from my EE experience. Which I tend to reach out to more then DB.

The wife and I are doing a boating club/membership this summer and that will hopefully strengthen our R and our communication.

She has opened up to me about a few things (her health and sanity in particular)

She has taken the love language quiz and knows my LL and I know hers.

So I really don't want to say there hasn't been any communication. It just hasn't been directly about the past. Her actions and words have shown me things.

Would I like her to say to me I am committed to this M and will doing anything it takes. Sure. Has she. Nah.

She did bake for me and bought me a card for Vday. That is a nice change. Haven't got a card from her in over a year.

When the timing is right I will voice things kindly and gently

Thx for checking in B. I hope all is well for you and your family

Thanks. Just be sure that you do have that talk, and soon. If you don't get to the root of what she was going through, you're going to find yourself in the exact same situation. Sweeping things under the rug never solves anything and I think you're still afraid to her getting angry.

A relationship needs to have NO FEAR.

In a round about way she said she was going through a MLC. She thought that I would never change. That is why it is so vital for my actions to remain consistant. No snooping. No escalations or reactive behavior etc. GAL is big to her. She likes when I go out with friends.

I agree with you. Having a talk with my W is a high priority. Actually when I left EE it was my # goal/priority to accomplish. There are steps prior to asking her to sit down and talk.

One thing you establish at EE is a priority you want to change and then develop goals and a support system to do so. I had the great pleasure to spend the weekend with 25 and other very supportive people. It really has been the best thing I've done in a long time.

You almost talked yourself out of going. You thought going would damage your chances at reconciling, if I'm recalling correctly.

What would you say now to yourself then?

Yes I did almost talk myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of going again even after paying for airfare,hotel,workshop etc. I almost talked myself out of it again the week before because W and I were getting along so well. I almost talked myself out of it the day of because I put my dog down 1 hour before my flight and a huge blizzard was hitting my area.

I didn't. I went. I got over inertia and did it. I had extreme anxiety mid way through the workshop and leaned on 25 while i was there for support.

You have to get to a point where you take care of yourself. I did thank my W for watching the kids through a very long trapped weekend in the house. It wasn't easy on her. I had extreme guilt leaving her under the weather and dog conditions.

To be honest things were a little better before me leaving. Not that they are bad now. but things leveled off after I got home. Maybe the honeymoon phase wore off

good one...

or maybe she's a tad put off (or just sad) by the dog getting put down and having 3.5 days in a blizzard with 2 kids...maybe that is enough to want to slap SOMEONE (but you're too centered and peaceful now for her to slap )

OR maybe she's wondering what's up with the EE group of friends she has not met, who seem awfully close to you (or a number of other issues we've touched on).

I know my h was uncomfortable with my "new workshop friends" with whom I'd shared a great deal about me. I felt very close to them. H seemed uncomfortable and he was that way until he went to EE himself (but that was months later).

I felt much better about myself as a woman. I was pregnant at the time I went, and I had some issues of not feeling attractive. But I learned to see myself as womanly and beautiful EVEN while pregnant, etc.

Also, I expressed my love/appreciation for h a lot more than I had before EE.

So He could not dislike the results even if he wondered about me connecting with other people.


BUT now, PON has another dilemma many DBers have faced.

His WAS seems to want back into the m, and she ACTS like it, but does not say it.

VERSUS

The WAS who SAYS they want back into the m, but they only say it with words, not actions.

If we HAD to choose between either words or actions from a walkaway spouse, I know we'd all choose actions over words. But we WANT both...

At some point we may NEED both, or Not...

maybe we can learn to RECEIVE the love in the language it's given us, rather than insisting that it be wrapped "our way."

I'm not saying our spouses should not learn our love languages AND to TRY to give us love in our ways...but I am saying it's nuts to turn away from the love they do give us in THEIR way. What a waste!

For some folks, giving love in a "foreign" language is really hard. They literally don't know how.


Don't we have a duty to VALUE the way our spouses give us their love?


Modelling for them what we want, but not turning away from the love they send us.

I make sure to try (but I fail sometimes) to model for my h what talking in HIS love language is like...

sometimes I feel embarassed, b/c it's sort of manipulative. Like, "Hey H, here I am - giving you love in YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE...(hint hint...)"

but then there are days I say "25, Just take what you can get!"

PON,

I am so inspired by your experience at EE. You sound great and I look forward to hear how you implement what you have learned and how it helps you in your daily life, regardless of what happens with your W.

Congrats on going against the inertia!


25 - you touched here on something that is seldom discussed when we talk about 5LL, but I think is equally important to consider. So thank you for giving us more food for thought!

Thx 25. That was a very insightful post. Actually since EE I feel like I have been less selfish and try to understand my W and what she might be feeling in the moment. I guess have thicker skin. For me my W doesn't use the words "I love you" and/or "I'm sorry" She has admitted to me in the past that she has trouble saying these words. They were never given to her growing up and she has trouble with it. But she does other subtle things that I've started to pick up on. It might be something as simple as buying me a new shirt without me asking. Or baking me something etc..

So as you said she speaks in a foreign LL and I've recognized this as of late. Plus when she does occassionally speak in mine it is all that better.

Things are still good at the home front. Have the EE support via email and phone is very nice. Plus supporting others is terrific too.

Wow it was so nice to get a loving birthday card from my W today. Never give up