Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused compass?

Let me see if I can clarify a few things;
Reasons to my knowledge about my W first marriage ending were mainly about quality of time spent on/with the family, lack of participation in child related chores (primary parenting), and complete loss of physical attraction, that culminated with her feeling like she was living with a friend other than a husband.
After they divorced, it was a good 2 years till she met me and I know that she had more than a couple of intimate relationships, and one particularly on again off again relationship, until she met me. The troubled sings of insecurity and trust I saw in the beginning as well as throughout our relationship tended to indicate that there was some experience with infidelity in some way, but she denies any such events on any part.

In a short version….her reasons for ending it were that I wasn’t complying to the way that she thought a marriage should be, that I had to many outside attachments to others (friends/family/my social support network), That we were no longer compatable, that she LMBWNILWM (the ILYBNILWY), that I didn’t make her ever feel like she was important or the number on priority in my life. I never looked at my friendships that I had for so many years before I even met my W, as any sort of EA…but since have really gotten a huge wake up call on that subject. There is also a trust issue that I have yet to put into a legitimate context for my own psyche.
I take responsibility for a lot of things, and I am at fault for not making her feel closer to me, for sending her mixed message about how into the marriage I was….there were a lot of things that I had to adjust to…and the ways in which I chose to adjust were not intended to but actually did, send the signal that I was in a protection type survival mode and not all in on being married.
And which ones didn’t make sense…LOL….everything!
Seriously, I can understand now just how things affected her self esteem, and her sense of importance, but on the other hand I was always available for conversation and compromise…the W is very complex when it comes to conversation, compromises and can be a very difficult person to deal with when she wants to be, at times she seems to react to things the way that one might have reacted to a situation in later years of H.S., also a bit on the passive aggressive side.

Yea, I am, we are, "D" as of 8/12....I am not 100% that she is or has seen anyone, but I suspect she is....Me on the other hand, am not, and even have had to turn away opportunities to date, as I am not ready for that yet (if ever).

A question to anyone?

What is the biggest difference between the Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting?
I finished the DR and would like to know if I should also read DB or if its a previous version of the DR?

I would also like to ask if anyone else has any other suggestion on reading materials that they found helpful?

also...as to:
Going dark....GAL....Detachment.

How much darkness is too much? (what you share and with whom)
-I'm assuming that once the ex-W initiates any contact that you proceed very slowly as in the book...but what and how do you answer questions that are sure to be asked?

How long do you allow to go for the ex-W to make any contact?
Is it ever appropriate to start to offer another contact after a few months (how long is acceptable before you check in again) have gone w/o hearing anything?

GAL is starting to be a joy, as I have so many great things going for me right now....I'm actually a little worried at the fact that I might get set back if the relationship starts back up to-soon-to-fast! But I must say I still am so married in my mind and heart that everything I do has a place in it for my W.

Detachment is a hard practice to follow, but getting easier as long as I put it out there the first thing in the morning....but if any have a system that worked for them to become better at it, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks

I have read over 30 books.
Mostly from this list

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=120684&page=1

but there are other lists and books around too.
The library is a great place to find to get all these books.

DR I believe is better than DB but I would read them both, especially if you can get them from the library.

also

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Journey from Abandonment to Healing - Susan B Anderson
Five Love languages Dr Gary Chapman
Fall in Love Stay in Love - Dr Willard Harley
His Needs Her Needs - Dr Willard Harley

I read both, DR came out after DB and is kind of an updated version of DB. After reading them both I've seen read DR 2 or 3 more times and haven't picked up DB again.

Oops, that should have been I've "since" read DR 2 or 3 more times and haven't picked up DB again.

if any have read any of the previous history that I have partly put out here.....
My situation is that my ex-W, right now wants nothing at all to do with any friendship/relationship with me.....and I am having a really hard time with a bit of a mixed message that I saw when I pressed my ex for a meeting a few weeks ago. Yes she was not totally happy, but I saw her smile, her eyes sparkle a bit, and even heard her say that meeting me right now was something that she just couldn't do, and that it was something she wasn't ready for because she didn't feel strong enough to do. Then a few days later her saying in an email that she would meet me to hear my letter, and I sort of panic-ed, wanting to make sure I said all the right things, and politely asked if it could be rescheduled, when I found out that it would be better to just write it, to which she got upset and sent a few weeks ago that "she can forgive but not forget", and then after getting my last contact blow me out of the water again with accusations of being totally selfish and never changing...and that she will never revisit this relationship again.

I cant seem to get my head around it?
How does one person DB'ing....already divorced...ever get a chance to crack open that door again?

I know I have to learn patience .... but its more about trusting in the process

My suggestion is to learn the process first.
How can you trust it if you don't know what it is?

Thats what I did.
That took a lot of research and learning.

There is a lot of advice out there, but IMHO it all boils down to the same.

Stop pursuit.

Solo Partner book really helped me with that.
There is a thread here on it and other things out on the internet.

This is not a quick fix, most LBS give up.
But it is all up to you.
There can always be HOPE if you want there to be.

Just no EXPECTATIONS.

February 14th is right around the corner!


Romantic dinners at candlelit restaurants, Godiva chocolates, two dozen long-stem roses, sentimental Hallmark cards- the stuff Valentine's Day is made of.


But what if your relationship is on the rocks and Valentine's Day is just another painful reminder that your life isn't what you hoped it would be? Then what?



In a word, gratitude.



Spend some time really thinking about what you are grateful for in your life. Focus on the half of your glass that's full. I try to do that on a regular basis. I'll share my gratitude list with you to help get you started (just in case you need a jumpstart).



Health Ok, my shoulders hurt most of the time from an ancient tennis injury and my hips talk to me after a long hike in the mountains, but all in all, I'm blessed with good health. I stay physically and mentally active. I try to eat well. That and good genes leaves me feeling pretty good most of the time.



I'm grateful for my family's health too. Although my son contracted West Nile Virus while hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, he figured out how to mend himself and heal. I give thanks for that every day.



My Family I am grateful for my husband, children, granddaughter, father, brothers, and in-laws. I love and am loved. What a gift. That's not to say that there aren't bumps in the road, there are, but at bottom, I love them all dearly.



I try to practice what I preach. I don't hold grudges. I don't do emotional cut-offs. I don't keep score. Life is too short.



My Friends I love people. I have lots of friends, both old and new. I maintain a friendship with my best friend in 3rd grade. I seek new friendships all the time and make connections with amazing people in Boulder.



Bette Midler had it right when she sang, "You gotta have friends." I don't know what I'd do without them.



My Work I feel so honored and blessed that I am able to do what I love to do most- help people. And in particular, help couples make their marriages work.



I don't believe that people just fall out of love; I think they lack the skills to make relationships successful. So, that's what I love to do- teach people skills, open their eyes and their hearts, help them fall back in love again.



Nature I admit it. I live in one of the most beautiful places in America, Boulder, Colorado. I have mountains right in my back yard. The sun shines 300 days out of the year and the hiking trails take you to heaven.



On days when my gratitude wears thin, I love putting on my hiking shoes and taking off into the woods, breathing the mountain air and smiling at kindred spirits on the trail. Nature fills me up.







When I work with couples, even those on the brink of divorce, I often ask them to talk about what they are grateful for in each other. The expression of gratitude creates a positive shift in the room. It's palpable. Focusing on gratitude works. Try it. Do it every day. What you focus on expands.

That was sent to me via email from MWD/DB's


Now....someone tell me again, why...why cant I just march over to my ex's house and say see...see how simple it all really can be.

LOL....I know, shut up Jim....do the work...there are "No" easy short cuts on this one, or there would have been a chapter on that too!