I can't figure out what is wrong with me--how could I love someone who thinks so little of me. Today as cheerful as you like H asks how my day was. Did anything exciting happen? Is he kidding? H asked for the kids--how were they handling things. I told the truth. That they were angry, sad, and in addition to running everything, taking care of my own emotions, I had to stop to attend to their emotional outbursts multiple times a day. It was exhausting. I said 15-20 outbursts per day and he said Wow. I understand. and I said is that all you have to say? Yes. that is all I can think of to say.
No remorse whatsoever.
Without going into too many details, the lawyer visit was very . I can protect the boys from the OW if I need to.
Have been in casual contact with MIL about the type of things we usually email. She just got back from a trip and was sharing what she has been up to. Not saying anything to her.
An evening of peace. Proud of myself for keeping things together when what I would very much like to do is slash someone's tires. Not sure whose, but it might involve many tires.
Well, then there is something wrong with many of us . You can't just make yourself stop living someone. What is good to know us what you will or won't put up with. I will try again, if H is willing to do certain things. I've said that from day one...I'll TRY to see if we can have a new M. H may never agree to those things, and I'm ok with that. It's sad. I still love him.
I think that is good to have H tell his family. Out of curiousity, how can you legally keep OW away from the kids? I assumed that was impossible to force.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, and I had many revenge fantasy's. I'll never act on any, my integrity is most important. But they teally helped me with ny anger. My fav was to tag both of them on Facebook in a status right after I found out that said "H needs a place to live, and I know her frequents your <body part>" hahsha. Ah, that would have felt awesome for 5 minutes
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I can't figure out what is wrong with me--how could I love someone who thinks so little of me.
There is nothing wrong with you. They detach a whole lot quicker than we do. And the truth is, you don't know what he thinks.
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Today as cheerful as you like H asks how my day was. Did anything exciting happen? Is he kidding? H asked for the kids--how were they handling things.
Sigh. I know. He's trying to be nice etc. I think it's the whole "let's be friends" thing. Yeah, I know. In truth you may be able to be friends, but I seriously doubt right now.
They really don't get it. Dealing with the emotional outbursts while you are on the jagged edge yourself. It's hard. When my D went into crisis, I never got a call asking how I was. I do know that H cared, he was bound by his own limitations.
When he said "I understand" I think he was trying to be sympathetic. In my case I wanted empathy, not sympathy and I see the difference as sympathy is to feel for somone and empathy is to feel with someone.
I get the tire thing. I would get so upset I would go for a walk, hauling down the street talking to myself just bawling. Ah, the fantasies.
Glad I am not the only one with revenge fantasies. All of them would point to me I bet and send them clinging to one another even tighter as they were being persecuted. That is the last thing I would want to do right now. I want her out of my life. He can go find someone else, ANYone else.
It is very very very hard to prevent the boys from seeing her, but because we have a pre-existing relationship (OW and me) for 5+ years, and because she has exhibited very unhealthy behaviors in the past, psychiatric evaluation might be able to be mandated by the court before she is allowed to be included on any visitation with the kids. This would take months, and in the meantime, she would have sort of a "restraining order" type thing. H might also have to complete this type of evaluation so I hope NOT to have to go this route. To protect my children of course I would do whatever it took. This type of thing wouldn't work if I was just the scorned woman seeking revenge.
This is why the tire-slashing has to stay in my imagination
Grace did your husband come around and become a better more connected father in the end?
Yes. He takes them on the weekends and this past monday he watched them while I was at my IC. He said anytime I need to get out, he wants me to call him first and not the sitter.
Honestly, he is a great dad. He hasn't been too "hands on" with stuff like bathing and such, but now he has to be. He said that he thinks this will help him step up more a parent. It will also give me the opportunity to let go.
The kids are doing well. They are too young to get really get it. S3 has been acting up a bit, so we'll see when they have spent awhile going over there. D2 has been super clingy and when he is over at the house and I'm there too, she will only let me do things for her.
I am lucky that he has ended it with the OW, and wouldn't bring the kids around someone else for a long time if we do D. I mean, who knows what will actually go down should we D. I really wouldn't want that OW to be in my kids life. Her life is a MESS! I don't want my kids around that type of dysfunction. But, you can only control yourself.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Grace did your husband come around and become a better more connected father in the end?
I know he's trying. The R between D's and their Dad in their words is "superficial".
Youngest D's C had me come in in Dec and said that she doesn't think he really knows how to connect with girls at their ages now (20 & 17). She thought that if I was able to help facilitate their R in some way it would help them. <shrug> We'll see.
. You can't just make yourself stop living someone. What is good to know us what you will or won't put up with. I will try again, if H is willing to do certain things. I've said that from day one...I'll TRY to see if we can have a new M. H may never agree to those things, and I'm ok with that. It's sad. I still love him.