Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 3 Months in, Still fighting. Crunch time!

I'd be straightforward and say you have a real problem with paying for gas to see another guy. No need to explain more than that. In the way of preparation for her reaction, it may be worth to have Laurie rehearse this boundary setting with you, including possible adverse reactions on Laurie's (simulating your W') part.

Good luck -

Like Luke says SM, just flat out tell her you are no longer financing her trips to see OM. Let her figure a way out to see him or let OM pay for her. She will get pissed but too bad. You are the provider and in no way should you be paying for her to see OM. Do not fill up her car and keep an eye on how she spends your money. I would tell her your money is for the FAMILY only. That is step one in gaining RESPECT something she does not have for you right now.

Your W is like that spoiled little brat who gets his or her way she will keep repeating this behavior because you enable it. Yes you need to establish stronger boundaries. No timeline SM cut her off yesterday. Got it? It's my belief that a S cannot be passive and sit back and ope their cheating S comes back to the M after significant changes have been made. There has to be consequences for their actions. It's sort of like a parent/child relationship. Your child does something wrong and you as the parent "punish" them for their actions. I'm not saying you are her parent and you are "punishing" her. I'm just using that as an analogy. I can't think of a better word to use right now.

Calmly state it. Once. No need to launch into why, or anything. "i am not going to provide the gas for you to see OM anymore." let her figure out That is what I did with my H. With the smaller ones like the one you are suggesting, he took them week. Like, no brainer. But also be prepared for extreme anger. When I stated that my H needed to provide transparency & defriend OW on facebook or we separate, he was MAD!! I had spent months putting up with alot in order to give him space & time, so he screamed & yelled. Threatened immediate divorce. Walked out of MC when he saw how serious I was. But he calmed & became understanding & apologetic.

Just remember, short & sweet. No need to argue or state more than once. No more financing her A. Then end. Calm & nice tone.

Good luck! I think it is great that you are doing this for you!

I also want to add some food for thought. I believe the reason my H believed it was ok to still have OW as a FB friend & not give transparency, was because I had very few boundaries in the first 2 months after BD. He thought I would put up with anything to keep our M. Now he knows that is not the case. He knows if we chose to work on our M, what I need to do so. I have firm boundaries. He has said how attractive and how much respect he has for me because of it,

I know as a woman, I'm not attracted to a doormat. No one is. My H knows I'm willing to work on our M and I'm willing to let it go as well. Now he's in his one bedroom apartment, alone, having to think about that. And I have more peace than I did while he was living here.

"I have decided that I am no longer willing to pay for anything -- including gas -- that enables your affair. Please plan accordingly."


Starsky

The word is "consequences."

Every betrayed husband on this entire forum should have this post ^^^ as required reading.





Starsky

Thank you for the suggestions everyone. My appointment with Laurie is in one hour and I will be sure to discuss this with her.

I want to fill you guys in on how or why I have gotten to the place I am in, just to get it out of my system, and to vent, and to put it in writing and see for myself how ridiculous it is.

During our happy years, my W and I often discussed the divorces of others around us, or couples on TV. She would say I can't believe they fight, I would always love you and always be your friend no matter what.

Now since I come from a long line of "married till death" couples, I really had not exposure to affairs and divorce until I moved to USA (people may be having affairs and hiding them, I'm not saying that doesnt happen).

My approach was always that I would always provide for my family even if we were not getting along. I see my father and the unconditional love he gives my mother and his two sons, and the financial support he gives us and I admire him. Even in my adult life, when I have needed an investor to help grow my business he is ALWAYS there for me, willing to invest in his kids.

But I had this position based on the idea that if my W and I were not getting along somehow, and it only applies to a situation where we made a mutual decision to not be married anymore. IT DOES NOT COVER AFFAIRS! And i need to keep reminding myself that I am not letting my family down, I am not dropping the ball on my W, I am simply assuming the role she has assigned to me, and letting her and OM assume the roles they have assigned to themselves.

When I asked her the first day of my sitch, how she planned on supporting herself, she said OM promised her he would get a second job if he has to, and nothing will stop him from being there for her, if she chose to leave our marriage. At this time, he has signed up for a 4 year college program and taken out a massive loan, and for one reason or another he is now unemployed (could be that his employer couldn't accommodate his school schedule). i have said this many times before, and I think you all know how I feel this is fantasy (and so does her mother who has had a very tough life) and now it is time for my W to face the music.

She chose this on herself, not me. I would take the clothes off my back to give to her or my D3, and she knows it. But that level of commitment and selflessness needs to reciprocation and that is not what I am getting at this time. I believe she will come around, but life needs to teach her a few lessons first.

Another reason I find myself in this situation is from mixed advice on this board.

When I suggest that my wife is a little naiive because she has never had to support herself financially and thinks money grows on trees (she went from daddy's house to my house)I am told I do not respect her as a person and that could be part of my sitch. I respect her more than she respects herself at this point!

When I suggest that there is a "Reality Stick" as GH31 calls it, and that stick needs to smack my wife a few times to get her to wake up to life's realities, I am told I being manipulative or controlling.

When I pay for her and give her money, I am told I am a doormat, and too accomodating.

Do you guys see where I am going with this? I've seen other noobs spinning their wheels for the same reason. I have seen noobs decide to stay away from these boards in order to get some clarity, some direction, and think for themselves.

It is all really confusing as you all know first hand. We LBS are the ones living in this, and the ones that have to live WITH the decisions we make. We are also the only ones who know our WAS personally, and others on the board only know what you have told them, which can sometimes be slanted by anger, resentment, lack of clarity etc..

So thats why sometimes I feel I need to go with my gut, as WMD says in DR. My gut tells me that my wife needs to be coaxed slowly. It tells me that she is probably conflicted about her decision, because no one chooses to end their 14 year relationship as easily as she pretends it is. So I act calm and confident, like nothing is going on my life.

I really like the comradery we all have here on the boards. I like that people get on me for stuff I say, that I am challenged to think hard about what I am doing. I like that we can open up to each other when we have no one else to tell these dark secrets to. I like how the same person who comes to my thread and tears me a new *sshole, comes back and congratulates me on something done well, or softens up and gives advice when I appear to me listening. I appreciate all of this!

So now I have gotten it off my chest. It has been 3 months and I have shown my wife how good I can be to her. i have shown her that I am a man, that I am dependable. Life is hopefully showing her that it can be much more difficult.

OM and W cannot seem to find employment, so that needs to be a lesson learned. She needs to learn that just because a guy has a penis, doesn;t mean he is a man. He can promise her the moon, but if it takes a man to stand up and do what was promised. OM has backed out of a promise, and even gone in the other direction by going back to being a student.

Thanks for listening! I will update you all in a couple hours as to what is said in my coaching session. Thank you all for your help, and for listening to me vent!

I knew I needed to set boundaries when I couldn't stand it for ME anymore. I didn't do it to teach H a lesson. While he may need a lesson in how good he does have it with me, or what life will be like without the kids all the time, that is NOT why I stated my firm boundaries. Is it great that it had a positive effect, yes. But I needed to get to that place where the result of my standing my ground, was for me. Not H.

I had people tell me what to do in real life & here that I didn't do. It didn't conflict me. I knew I'd move when I was ready. I am grateful that I have not one regret in it. Nothing. I needed to do it for me. H has his own God & his own path. I will still keep the path home paved, as they say. But my growth & actions are for me. Our M will never work if I'm not a whole happy person. No marriage will.

Again, it seems like the point is still not there SM. Set the boundaries FOR YOU!! Byproduct might be that she leaves OM, and learn how great she had it. Maybe not. But if you know it's what you need to do for you, then it's never wrong! Outs not to punish someone, it's to save you.

SM, there will always be conflicting opinions and strategies, and I know it can be confusing. I think you have to go with what approach seems authentic to your own values, and to what has actually WORKED in other people's sitches. If someone is giving you advice and it didn't even work in their own sitch, I would be highly suspect of it (unless it's a "I wish I had done this, I might have saved my marriage" kind of thing).

I would caution you, however, that your own "values" is NOT the same thing as "listen to your gut." When we arrive on the shores of this often-sad place here, it's often our "gut" that GOT US INTO this mess to begin with. Much (most?) of DBing is very counter-intuitive.

Your wife sounds very much like mine was (mine too went from living with mommy and daddy, to living with me), and watching her face the consequences of her own destructive decisions was the hardest damned thing I've ever had to do in my life. It WAS, nevertheless, necessary.


Starsky